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Anxiety Attack? And slight rant to a couple >.<;; |
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Well, had the scare of a lifetime not long ago. Early Sunday morning to be exact. What had happened was Travis and I were about to go to sleep. I was laying on my side, tossed for a bit, nothing out of the usual, when my chest started to hurt. I sat up right away, not sure why it was hurting so much. I mean, it's happened before, but it was never that bad. So I was clutching my heart, and then I couldn't breathe. So there I was, gasping for air, my chest feeling like I'd been stabbed, a pain in my side, my throat feeling like it was closing up on me. And I was panicking. Travis immediately got up and tried to help me relax. He first thought it was heartburn maybe, so he had me drink some milk. It didn't help. So we sat there, trying slow breathing techniques, but I couldn't do it. So he went to my brother's room and woke him up. He said "Your sister can't breathe. We might have to take her to the emergency." Greg was still half asleep and said "huh?" So Travis repeated and Greg was like "Oh shoot! What time is it?" "2am." "Oh..." and he went back to sleep. So some help he was, of course I said not to wake him because he did work early the next morning. So Travis came back and helped me to calm down. Took over an hour, but I finally calmed. And I'm still sick and don't know what's causing anything, doctor prescribed different things, nothing's helped. So far, two weeks of a constant headache and weakness. Two weeks of being off work because I can't do anything there, can't even stand up for 5 minutes straight. So I'm thinking, because my bus to college stops at West Ed Mall, I should look there for something, a job I can do and be able to sit down at. *sigh* I feel bad too. I really liked working at Subway. Worked with good people and I liked what I did. Maybe I can find another job like that, I dunno. We'll see.
And now for the rant, which is to a couple who should know who they are already.
I'll apologise ahead of time if any of this sounds like I'm angry or anything, or if I do get angry part way through.
Okay, so I know you say we're growing apart and that I'm not the person you use to know. To that, I say I'm aorry if you feel that way. I haven't changed, I don't mean to grow apart. But I don't think we truely have, not in my mind. I mean, I wasn't online a lot because of sickness, schoolwork/portfolio, or being out with Travis or others. As well, you say you show offline even though you're on, so just message you and you're usually there, but I don't message people when they're offline. Maybe you stay offline because there are people you don't want to talk to, but some you do. Then block those people for that day, or hour, or even a minute to show others you are actually on. As well, you can message me first, but you don't a lot. Am I always the one who has to say hi first? And yes, I am on my game a lot, but I am on messenger as well. If I don't reply right away, I'm probably in the middle of something, or I may also be talking to someone else. I have had conversations with over ten or fifteen people at once. I can't always reply immediately. I have also been sick a lot, which means I'm not online then. For the past while, I've been sleeping for maybe twelve hours a day, sometimes even more. I've also been getting ready for my classes, which start this afternoon, and when classes start, no, I won't be on much either. But is being on my game when I'm on the computer a bad thing really? I mean, I have friends on there as well. That's what I've been using it for mostly; chatting. Not everyone on the game has MSN, so I can't add them and keep off the game. I like to chat and play sometimes, that's not wrong. You may say I'm addicted to the game, but it's like how others may be addicted to Gaia and roleplaying. That's what games are for, are they not? Going into your own world or someone else's and becoming someone else?
And also for kicking me out of the guild, I kind of think that this had been planned, probably when I was away for a while. Why do I say this? Well, the sudden 'forget her' potion part. WIth him forgetting my character, there's no need for her in the story, right? So you can just go on without me needing to post. I has told you I was sick, about work and college, yet you still do this. To me, from my angle, you actually don't want to keep our friendship, you're trying to push me away. I don't want that, but if you do want me to leave you alone, just tell me.
And you've told me I've been spending a lot of my time out with Travis, that I've maybe been spending to much time out with him, but he is my boyfriend. I mean, you two spend a majourity of your time together, do you not? And you may say that even though you do, you still chat with others and come online and such, but when I spend time with him, I'd rather do things with him than chat with everyone else. That's what our time together is about, eachother. So I'm sorry if you feel like I'm neglecting you when I go out with him or am spending most of my time with him, but he is the most important thing in my life right now and I wouldn't change it for the world. I would think that you of all people would understand that, and I really hope that you do.
So I hope that I hear back from you two soon, and I'm sorry that I didn't send all this in an email, but it just comes easier here for some reason. And like I said, classes start today, so I won't be on much, probably like I am right now. So I don't care to hear about that I don't talk to you anymore or that I'm not who I was, because I'm who I always have been. You say I've been talking about the bad things lately, but that's what I've been going through and I had thought I could confide and open up to you as a friend, but now I'm not so sure. So please, tell me. Shall I talk to you, or no? Shall I tell you what's going on in my life, open up to you and listen to what you have to say about it, or shall I keep it all to myself or confide in another friend? Please let me know because I don't know what to think anymore about this situation. I'll always be a friend, but you have to decide in it on your side as well.
~Kay
 Kiarrii · Wed Sep 05, 2007 @ 12:17pm · 1 Comments |
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