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hm.
well...this isn't usually what I put in here. Really to be truthful; I don't say it aloud even to myself I like to keep this in my mind and poetry, but...
I really miss Scorp.
He's really a great guy. I hope he knows that. Thats really the reaon I think I pushed him away; he doesn't deserve to be hurt. I didn't think that I should make him go through everything: my annorexia, cutting, depression, breakdowns, everything. And I thought...no I really don't know what I was thinking, because I know that I've driven away someone that really did care about me just because...I didn't want to be hurt, or hurt him, but it looks as if I've done both, and lost the friendship of the best guy I've ever met.
I used to feel so at home at TVtome. So so so at home, and I just...loved it. It's different now though; I can't bring myself there much anymore. I feel like such an imposter. And...it's different. I know it is, just as they do. I really wish I could change that though. 1 out of 20 times that I go I'll post, but it's never really of any relavance. I remember the PM that Scorp sent me a long time ago because I didn't have the internet, and it was all these sweet, just...ugh. there I go crying again. It was all these sweet notes from everyone. A picture from Sango, and just something that Ryoko sent me that made me so...touched and I just really so badily wish I could have it all back. To be truthful; I don't post there a lot because I'm so jealous of the friendships that they all still have that I gave up, because I was afraid. Don't get me wrong--I have lots of friends now too, and I wouldn't give them up for anything, moo, Nas, puru, die. But...that doesn't take away from the fact that I love Scorp, and Sango, and Amare, and Ryoko, and Lori, and Meow, and Rin, and everyone at the TVTome thread. They've known me longer then anyone. And I really...just love them still.
He's going away to college this fall, Scorp that is, he got a full schollership, I'm really proud of him...I mean he's so smart and has worked so hard for it and he just really deserves it. He really deserves a lot of things.
I guess...the point of this entry is just...to say how much I really cared--and still really do care.
I just wish I could tell him that.
Writing. I'll post the poem later.
 angel08 · Tue May 31, 2005 @ 02:48am · 1 Comments |
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