Usually I am a average person... to some but not all.
No, let me correct that, to all I seem average but I'm not.
I only fake all of those smiles and laughs, I wish to be truly happy!
But how can anyone with my kind of severe depression find any?
The sun doesn't even chipper me up, it makes me even more depressed,
I envy how joyus others can be in the warmth of the sun.
I too wish to be able to bask in the light of happiness, take all of this away.
I, too, want to feel warm again...
I don't get outside much, mother doesn't let me so much since I have to do my homework.
"Why're you always in a bad mood? Huh?! Answer me! Just staring at me and staring back feels stupid! Answer me!!", mother has a way with words that can make infants cry...
"I-I don't want to talk about it...", I never want to say, she'll never understand. I want to try to feel warm, try to feel alive for once... just once...
When I came home mother called me into her room, to her computer; it was my grades.
"Can you explain that?", the tone in her voice was nearly as cold as I, except it was burning with fury.
I stared meekly at the bright white glowing screen of the screen.
'Oh...a 72...'
"I-I don't...really...know.", stuttering I could tell she was getting very aggravated.
"You idiot! You're suposed to do your homework everytime- all he time.
When you set foot in this house, you immediately do it!
I told you this before, have I not?!"
"...You have...", I wanted to say much more but she stopped me...
"Then why don't you?! Why do you always- ALWAYS ignore me?!?! Huh?!
WHY?! Answer me!!! Don't just stare like a stupid idiot!"
'Oh god please tell me I'm not crying!' All I could feel was cold tears rolling down my face.
"I-I-I just-... I just for-forget som-som-someti-ti-times...", I hate the fact I stutter just so badly when I cry. It makes me feel vulnerable...
mom took advantage of that.
"You see? This is what happens when you don't listen to me!", she stops and reaches over to grasp a fist full of my hair and violently brought my head down. It hurt so much...
"Just-! Just go to your room! I don't want to see your face!"
. . .
I thought it couldn't get worse from there but apparently it did.
Once again I got home, it seemed normal, mom busy and all.
I went up stares to shower, went down to eat dinner and such.
I turned the television on and started drawing...time flies oh so fast.
Mom told me to clean up the room, but I didn't... mother came up.
"What're you doing up so late?", she finally notices I didn't tidy up.
She was so angry with me.
"You're up so late and watching t.v. and drawing, you have time for those but no time to clean up?!
It's like what I've said,
you always, always, ALWAYS ignore me!", she kept raising and raising her voice until it was screaming.
She was so frightening! This was the first time that she cracked like this...
"Mom, I'll just do it tomorrow..."
"Tomorrow? TOMORROW?! YOU'LL FORGET BY THEN!!
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GOD DAMNED BED UNTIL YOU ******** CLEAN UP!!!!!!
OK?! NO SLEEP UNTIL YOU'VE CLEANED THIS ROOM!!!!! AND ALSO-",
right after that I couldn't hear anything I was bawling so much my eyes hurt bad.
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?!?!?!? WHAT'LL IT TAKE?! HUH?!?! HUH?!?!?!?", she started slapping things across the room,
everything went everywhere...
I wonder why brother and sister haven't come out yet...
"B-B-B-!!", futile to talk, I just tried to wipe away the tears.
"GIVE ME YOUR MP3, CELL PHONE, AND TURN THAT GOD DAMNED T.V. OFF!!!!!!!!
I WANT YOUR SKETCH BOOK TOO!!!!!!
GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", I didn't want to!
But I guess I had to, I was so scared to not obey her...
She knocked over the chair, and snatched my sketch book out of my hands and yelled some more.
I couldn't recall what she said because I was bawling and crying my soul out...
Suddenly she slammed my sketch book to the ground picked it up,
and threw it across the room,
that made me shatter!
Art, poetry, emotions, thoughts, my feelings were in that book!
She was toying with it liek it was just a petty piece of torn trash.
I started gasping for air, that was so crushing!
"DRAWING IN THAT IS WHAT'S DISTRACTING YOU IN CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW IT IS!!!! IT'S BEST LEFT ALONE AS TRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOUR DRAWINGS ARE STUPID AND MEANINGLESS!!!
COME HERE!!!!!!! I WANT TO SEE YOUR GRADES!! ...", I refused to get up.
I was already to pieces why crush me even more?
"COME WITH ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"M-M-M-My dr-d-d-dr-drawings a-aren't t-t-tr-trash-sh-sh...", I started screaming softly, and crawling to meet up with my mom.
I followed her into her room.
67 in Algebra, worse than before.
I had about 6 homework assignments missing.
"Now explain to me why you haven't turned those in!!"
"I-I didn't d-do s-some of them-m b-because I d-don't ge-ge-get some of th-them..."
"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT MATTER?!?!?!?!? YOU ASK YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER!!!!-"
"B-But he's a-always on the c-computer t-to help me-e-e.
A-And she's t-too m-mean to m-me-e t-to he-help me-e", my stuttering was getting worrse.
"GO!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!!! DON'T COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM UNTIL MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", that sudden out burst made me flinch,
and I hung my head down al lthe way to my room.
I collapsed onto my bed and I was still gasping for air.
When she went to sleep I already cleaned up everywhere,
everyone was asleep but me.
I went to go get my sketch book, and went down stairs.
'I-I can't take this anymore!' I took a knife out of the knife area, and went to my room.
I was going to die alone, for I was alone, to never feel warmth again...
to never make her angry anymore...
I was so ready to plunge the knife through my heart but I didn't want to...
After that I lied on my bed, until I suddenly wanted to sing.
"L-Let me b-be the one w-who c-calls you b-baby al lthe ti-time...
S-Surely you c-can take s-some comfort kn-knowing that you're m-mine...
J-just ho-hold m-me-e tight, lay b-by m-my side...
A-A-And l-let me be the one who ca-calls you b-baby a-all the ti-time...
I-I.... I... f-found m-my...place i-in th-the w-w... world st-stare at your f-face for th-the re-rest of m-my d-day...", I couldn't go on,
that song got me so depressed.
I put the knife back up and looked at myslef in the mirror, I was a mess.
My eyes were red along with my cheeks and nose.
If I couldn't kill myself, I could at least harm myself...
I got my scissors and ran a blade across my arm slicing it open,
finding entertainment out of this, I also cut my legs.
All I could see was crimson all over; blood.
I set my scissors aside.
Saying one last thing before sleeping,
Tears ran down my face, I wish I could've said this to her face...
"You're the only one who makes me suicidal..."
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After Exclusions: 66,400 Gold