"Actors cannot refuse roles, but ordinary people can." - Patrick Smith Japan A Reinterpretation
Amazing book. However I'm not very far into it at all. However I read that quote and I just sat there staring out the window of the library and it hit me. How long have I been playing this part? What sort of strength does it take to stop playing a role that you're certain you chose to play because it was to hard to try to do anything else. I caught myself the other day holding something sharp and staring blankly at my wrist. And it was then that I tossed the object and tried my hardest to recoil away from my arm.
It's been almost two years since I stopped and I still hunger for that small sensation of pain, that minimal control that I used to allow myself over my feelings. I just stared at my wrist for a very long time....watched as I trailed up it an I could see every scar I'd ever left. Some are so faded that I am the only one who can see them, some are so clear I wonder why no one asks.
I couldn't help but wonder if my new friend Raymond would think if he knew. I wondered if I could even tell him without feeling a deep and terrible shame. I know when I told Mendacii-sama that's exactly what I felt. A horrible shame. And now to this day I still feel a great deal of shame whenever he compliments something and all I can think about is the terrible things I've put my left arm through.
But....I donno. That's all I really wanted to rant about. The rest of the title....well if any of it makes sense points for you. Because I didn't put it up for anyone to necessarily understand.
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Waiting
Forever I Will Wait For you -
Sitting. Waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for. But nobody here tell me. I suppose I ought to explain, but please...don't tell anyone I'm waiting.
He won't find me...
if he knows I'm waiting.
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Part of a story....I'll be putting it up slowly...I was going to put up more....but....I think that's a good start.
 Evelie Harte · Sat Nov 15, 2008 @ 06:44pm · 0 Comments |
