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Numbness, bring me back to Life... |
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I'm been feeling so lonely lately, like the numbness just won't take me away. Even surrounded by people, the feeling of a thousand acres between us is unseparable. Where do you go, when you're left behind? What do you do, when all seems so far away? What can I do, to rid myself of this feeling? I really don't know. Why write when nothing seems to help? Everything...it just doesn't seem to fade...
Unexplainable anger, where did it come from? Why do I always feel like lashing out when they didn't do anything wrong? I always want to know the answers, but somehow I never seem to get any. It's not because I'm lazy and don't look, it's just...they're the unexplainable things. The things you can't find online or in a book. That's what I hate, the unexplainable. You never know who to trust or where to go...you just do, because you have nothing better to do.
I don't have to do any of the things I do. I don't have to surround myself with slightly familiar people. I don't have to get good grades, and I don't have to pretend to like people. I don't have to pretend to be anything. But I do, just like everyone else and it annoys me. I bet it annoys other people to, but I can't talk to them. It's just a problem I have, I can't go to people for help if I don't know them. But I also can't go to people for help if I know them too well. Now...there isn't anyone in between. "I've put myself between a wall and a hard place" as they would say...only, it's more like I but myself in a five by five feet with room with nothing to do. I feel mental, insane, paranoid...the list just goes on and on and I hate it! I hate myself for becoming this! This thing that doesn't even know...know themself...
Why should other people come to me for help if I can't even help myself? ...I have nothing...nothing to fight for...to strive for...I lost everything...or at least it feels that way. It feels like I lost everything...everything when my mom died. The only emotions I feel: mild happiness, sadness and anger...I hate the anger because I have no reason to be angry. It's so fustrating.
I wish the numbness could take me now. That same cold feeling I feel whenever my room is uninhabited for too long. The feeling that if I get hurt, I won't feel the pain. I'll just see the changes, and it won't affect me. Not until the numbness wears off, when heat rises to take over...
I'm not depressed, maybe slightly, but not enough to become him...the one guy I can actually say I'm close to...and it worries me. How close we are...and yet so far...
 midnight-mystic-dragon · Fri Jan 26, 2007 @ 04:41am · 0 Comments |
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