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I got my signals crossed! Back with my wanderlust! *grooves* |
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song+ Wanderlust // REM
book+ Ancestors of Avalon
scent+ coffee
quest+ big parisian gown xD
upper+ listening to REM, happy for my Ryuu getting a job, feeling nice
downer+ a bit lonely, still haven't sent in photoshoot to SG, worried they won't accept it >.<
attire+ green tank, blue stripey pj pants, mismatched socks
drink+ coffee @.X
I fecking miss everyone! *sigh* I mean really, I miss everyone. I miss Ryuu, but I shouldn't be a selfish whiny girl. He's got the job he wanted and it's just so awesome that he works with friends. <3
I miss mum. She's crazy but I miss her. She's just working but I strongly dislike being alone in the house. I'm just sitting here swaying to Eisely 'I wasn't Prepared' and singing along. Mum woke me up at ten asking me to go to the store and get some coffee since she was going to have to walk to work today. So I walked to Krogers and when I came back I got attacked by Piper. >_< oh jeebus. xD She followed me inside but thank Goddess for mum, she was able to have to strength to ask Piper to leave. I just can't say no to people. I know she's not all there upstairs, but then neither am I, right? I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have her mind, or just someone elses' mind in general really. Is it the same as mind but with different opinions? Does it feel entirely different? Does everyone live in their own mind-worlds .. ? Or are we all the same .. like we have the same livingroom but we put different furnature in it. If that makes sense. I don't think it does. xD
I've decided to start taking another Prozak everyday. I take my 40 mg and that's been helping, but lately I've not felt very good at all. So I think I'll take another one in like an hour. It's a big giant double-dosage, but I've done it before so I'm pretty sure I won't pass out. I might get heartburn though. Well I'll have it with some milk.
Speaking of milk. I'm .. okay .. >_< arhg, how to say it? I'm trying to eat more and be healthier. I kind of realized I was becoming a gross skelleton and I know I'm putting my life at risk just for the sake of fitting into my size 1 pants. Which is so amazingly stupid I can't believe I'm stuck in that way of thinking. The reason it hit me was really because of this new job I might MIGHT have ..
With SuicideGirls. <3 After being on the site for a while .. I guess my mind was "fixed" in a way. I had been looking to the catwalk for the ideal of what I should look like. What beauty was. I looked to them to emulate. I still feel like, well, I can never be gorgeous, but at least I can be thin. At least I know how to do that. But I know that's just wrong. My idea of thin kept getting thinner. Classic case. I feel like a whale because I've been suddenly eating more. I dunno. I'm scared I won't be able to stop. But, all the girls at SG, or at least most of them, have CURVES and their ribs don't stick out and they don't look like they haven't eaten in two weeks. The whole idea has kind of carried my sick and twisted mind over the bridge back to ..
what is almost normal thinking?
But .. yeah. I've done three shoots for them, but I have yet to send them in. Mostly because I keep forgetting to ask mum for a stamp. I can't send it over the internets because it won't work for some reason. I dunno. I'm just scared they'll all be rejected.
But they already said I would be perfect for the site. I should think positive! Or as Chiyo-chan would say:
GET MOTIVATED! GET MOTIVATED! GET MOTIVATED! GET MOTIVATED! GET MOTIVATED!
xD I heart Azumanga Daioh. I saw the last episode and I nearly cried. ;.; I hate it when good series end too soon.
But .. but .. well. If my shoots get accepted, they send me a 500$ check. X_X; I really hope hope hope it goes through okay. For the sake of making some money at least. Although I know I need to get a "real" job too ..
But .. back to missing everyone. I even miss Rand and his hyperactive ADDness. I miss my grandma. I miss my family in Oklahoma.
I had a dream that I just now remembered. It was about Rainbow Brite. *loldies* Actually it was about the horse. It was real and I was riding it and flying around and it was happy and magical. <3
But .. tomorrow is my grandpa's funeral. He died on Monday morning .. and it's just felt very strange .. knowing he's not there anymore .. that he's somewhere else. I know we were never very close, but I still loved him. Now I worry a lot about my step-grandma, Bernice. Who will be with her? Who will take care of her? She can't be alone in that big house by herself ..
.. and I wish I could have forced Rand to forget about his stupid friends' 'birthday party' (aka drinking-fest) and stay in Oklahoma for just a few more hours so I could have seen him one last time. Dad asked us to stay but Rand didn't want to.
I shouldn't blame him like that. It just happened like that. We couldn't have really known.
I don't know how I'll get to the funeral tomorrow. My brother might pick me up tonight ... gah. In a way I don't want to be at the funeral. Because I know I'll start crying and wont be able to stop. And it's an open-viewing thing, meaning his casket will be open. And if I see him dead lying there like I saw my granny brown pale and stone still and far away
i'll just start going into hysterics and crying my eyes out and I don't want to embarass anyone.
But if Rand takes me there will be no other option, I'll have to go. I'll try to be stronger I suppose. And then how will I leave? idunnoidunnoidunno.
well anywheyz ..
job.
need one. >_< =/
Well, really I need a career. I've been thinking about the police force. But I'd need my GED. Which I keep telling myself to practice but everytime I get out the book my mind won't concentrate and I don't understand any of it. =`/ Especially the math parts.
and then the navy. and I start to wonder if that's my last option. well it is. but I wonder if I'll have to take it.
I have to do something with my life or I'll crazy. =`o And I feel like that sometime involves something big, like the navy or the police force. I know I'll have to get stronger. But I can't stand the idea of sitting in an office or cubical foaming at the mouth and staring at the clock just wanting to go home. I want a job where I'll be doing something important.
i dunno. sweatdrop
 The Viscount · Wed Mar 07, 2007 @ 09:57pm · 0 Comments |
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