• Deep within the cavernous walls of the Palmares Penitentiary for Very Dangerous Animals, lays a certain Smoky Desperado. Sometimes Smoky was confused for Smoky the bear, but Smoky never saw the resemblance. Anyways, it was a dark and stormy night, and Smoky was a guard. He had a flashlight. He had a taser. He had pepper spray. He was all set to stand in one spot all night on guard.
    He was standing there in his usual spot, when suddenly, from across the room, he saw it for the first time. Its eyes glowed within its high security prison cell, the high powered electric fence, the automated lasers ready to zap anything ready to escape. The barbwire. All of this was to protect the world from this vicious monster. The penguin.
    Oh, the penguin. He was a known ravager of the free land, preying upon unsuspecting victims, as a rhinoceros preys upon… whatever rhinoceroses eat. His beak was the beak of a normal penguin, yet Smoky thought that it was the beak of a seasoned serial killer! His menacing wings, his dainty little toes that probably have played in the blood of a thousand people… yes, this penguin was a penguin that you would not want to meet in a dark alley.
    Smoky would have shuddered. Many would have, seeing these things. But instead, Smoky thought, I think I like popsicles… especially the red ones. Then Smoky looked into the eyes of the penguin. Its glowing, mesmerizing eyes that could pierce a hole in like... a titanium… thing. Maybe a wall. Or a tank.
    Yet he was so cute. Its eyes looked at Smoky pleadingly, begging for some attention, some company in this world that he was a prisoner to. Smoky could not help but stare sadly into the penguins eyes. The eyes that seemed to say to Smoky, “Let me out, I don’t like this place.” Smoky could not help but pity the poor creature that everyone had deemed a “menace to society” and “mankind’s single greatest threat.” This poor little creature deserved a second chance.
    Smoky looked to his right. He saw three other guards a few yards down the hall, talking amongst themselves about some stupid sports game that Smoky had never even heard about, not paying attention in the slightest. He then looked to his left. His eyes saw the emergency release button that deactivated the lasers and the electric fence, and opened the gate. Now normally, he would not even consider pressing that button. Because normally, that prison was filled with face eating wolverines. And Smoky knew that all wolverines have fleas. Smoky did not like fleas. But this was different. A penguin deserves to be let into the wild, to forage his own future and happiness abroad. Not be cooped up in some crappy high security prison cell.
    Smoky whistled happily and walked over to the button while the other guards’ backs were facing him. He punched in the security code. He smiled and nodded to himself. Yes, this penguin gets another shot at life. He walked over to the gate as it opened; the sizzle of the electric fence stopping. He stood there and waited.
    The penguin looked at Smoky appreciatively. Then he quickly ran past Smoky, in a whizz of puff and smoke, and other things that have to do with quickness. Yes, this penguin was fast as it flew by Smoky. Smoky was happy to have set this poor pitiful creature free. Then suddenly, Smoky heard a loud shriek, and the emergency sirens activated.
    Smoky looked over to see the three guards disemboweled in very interesting ways. One was missing his head and a chunk of his thigh. The other was missing his arms and legs, and a bunch of other inner things that we don’t want to go into right now just in case you are eating something at the moment. The last… well Smoky didn’t know where the last one went. Smoky nodded satisfactorily, and whistled, walking to the front of the building. He figured they wouldn’t mind if he took his lunch break, and sauntered off towards the snack machine. He was going to have to buy popsicles. Red ones.