• The Story of a Clown Named Usagi

    A Story of a Child of Unknown Lands


    By: flyawaylittlebirdie


    Part I
    Usagi

    Apparently I am a clown..
    Taken from the orphanage,
    I am no longer me,
    They have stripped me of everything I own,
    My rabbit remains,
    Why have a been brought here?

    She is taken to the "father" not told of what is to come,
    She is branded with the tattoo,
    The tear, blue and of all beauty,
    Who would have thought it was for something so wrong?
    She is given "ears" for hearing,
    As well as "sight" but her speech is taken away,
    Her lips are pierced and kept so till she is aloud to eat,
    Her meals few and far between,
    Hungry keeps her from running,
    As all that are caught trying to escape are starved to the end,
    They are "clowns" they are there to entertain there "father"
    None are above the age of 16,

    I am tired,
    I want to end this,
    Why do they tape my wounds?
    They will be reopened the next day,
    I want my demise,
    Why do they not give it to me?
    Why does father do such to me?

    She has tried to end it,
    "Father" is trying to end her,
    She is giving the others ideas,
    She mustn't be taken out,
    She must be rid of.

    Father is trying to destroy me,
    Even the others are worried,
    I must run if I wish for my life,
    But were am I to go?

    The father speaks "my child, come here."

    She has been beaten for trying to escape, her eyes are hollow as if she is no, Longer alive although she still breaths,
    "Usagi, I said come" she walks slowly and steadily toward the father,
    Her Eyes still dead,
    "Yes father?" She has said in a voice that seems to dead to be real, as her lips bled from the effort to speak against the will of the piercings
    "I must say my child you gave us a start, you know the world would not Understand and you would be taken from us"
    In truth none understood his thoughts, beside the few that gave him the idea.
    Her eyes awakened in an instant that is still not known why,
    She looked around frightened and as her name stated her as a rabbit, and tried to run,


    Were am I,
    Why am I with father?
    Was I not just being beaten?
    This does not make sense,
    What has happened to me?


    She has been beaten again she did not get far when she fled,
    Her soul is leaving her still breathing body,



    Many days later there are stifled whispers of the child,
    The one that has no soul,
    The fathers new found favorite,
    The one that everyone can not touch, but known of by everyone,

    Father,
    Me?
    Why am I not showing threw?
    Why am I caged in even in my own body?
    Is no one seeing me?
    Have I died but my body still lives on?
    My death is near.
    I can feel it,
    Why is it I can not force my self to move at my will?


    A fire, a large burning mass of heat, they must escape or they all will die.
    But they are not aloud to leave,
    They are trying to fight for there lives, of what few things left in there Lives are there,
    She cannot find a way to be free of her self,
    She has the most freedom of all of them but is the only one that is not Fighting to be free,
    Clawing and biting and kicking cannot help,
    She cannot free herself of herself,
    She fire licking her heels,
    She cannot feel the burns,
    She feels nothing of the outside,


    the ceiling,
    I must run,
    I cannot move,
    why!!
    I need to get from this place,
    I do not want to die here,
    I want to live in life,
    Not this hellish part of the world,


    Her body moves,
    She can feel a slight burning,
    And can smell it also,
    She can see a small fruit knife,
    She reaches for it,
    Slowly she gets a grip on in,
    Wincing at the thought of what must be done to free her self.

    Blood,
    The pain,
    I must not faint yet,
    I need to be awake to free my self,

    Se runs trying to find an exit,
    Always having been blindfolded when taken to father she does not know the building she has lived in for the years,

    Screaming,
    The others!
    I must find them,
    They may not have been able to free them selves,
    But were are they?
    Why can I not find them?

    The wall, the door, were?
    There is a small window,
    Though it is not apparent of what it is to,

    They are behind that wall..
    They must be there is no other place they could be..

    She looks threw the window but sees nothing but smoke,
    "Are you there" she says in a voice so rusty from the smoke and heat that it cannot Be heard,
    But still she tries again "are you there?!" she screams as if a bell was shot, ripping The pairings from her lips,
    As she bleeds she sees a small child face,
    Bloated from malnutrition, the child looks at her with a tear and soot covered face, "Mother?" she says,
    A child?
    So young?
    Why would father do such a thing?

    As she tries to break threw the window,
    Flames of death lick at the child heels,
    But she does not wince or move,
    As though the same as to her had been done to this child,
    She see notices that it is not a window, but a mirror,
    Than the child?

    That thought breaks her from the mirage of the heat,
    As she realizes that the child was not of others but was her self,
    That the screams had stopped,
    And the smell of burning flesh filled the air,

    Have they all died??
    Or have they all escaped?
    Or is it I who has died?

    She follows the stomach wrenching smell of flesh,
    To see that it is father and not the others that have been burned,
    But the others have escaped,
    And the door is yet to be found,

    Were in this hell hole am I?
    Is this hell?

    She hears a mans voice,
    Something of that she has not heard such but of father,
    "Father?!" she yells in a soot choked voice,
    Once more making her bleed,
    "Father? I am not! Come here child!"

    Child, a word that is not good,
    I must run or I will be beaten for escaping from were I must not,

    she runs from the voice like fathers,
    Something grabs her arm,
    Fough but at the same time soft,

    Who?
    It is not father,
    Fathers hands were never soft,

    A man,
    A firefighter,
    Though she has never seen one or heard of one for that matter,
    She falls and hits her head as she sees him.
    Part II
    Jesse
    Dark
    Cool,
    Quite,

    She opens her eyes to a white room,
    She smells the overly clean air,
    She tries to talk but her mouth does not open,
    She sits up to see a needle in her arm,
    She starts thrashing at the site,
    Held down by women in white,
    Her mind yelling,
    Nothing but muffled grunts are let out,

    Were am I?
    When is this?
    ..
    Who am I?

    As the women in white whisper about her,
    About how such things could be going on and no one would now,
    Till it was burned down,

    What are they saying?
    What are they speaking of?
    I wish to know..

    The only memory is of the face,
    Shocked,
    And a small bit scared,

    Some one comes into the white room with the women in white,
    Its him..
    The face..
    The memory,

    "Are you alright?" he says with a worried look,
    I do not know how to respond,
    what do the words mean?
    He can see I do not know what he means and his eyes sadden,

    What do I do?
    I cannot talk,
    I do not understand what he is saying,
    I want to know...


    My name is Jesse.

    "He has amnesia" the nurses whisper about me,
    They are reteaching me how to talk and understand what they are saying,
    They have fixed my mouth,
    But I have not seen the man since,

    They do not know what happened to me,
    Or they just will not tell,
    They say they will let me out of here when I can properly, Talk, walk, and when I remember,
    They wonder why I have the tattoos on my face,
    But I also wonder,

    The only thing I have,
    Is a stuffed rabbit that smells of soot,
    And my name,

    I want to see the man,
    I need to see him,
    But the nurses will not let me see him.


    I can remember flames,
    I am having nightmares,
    They have to restrain me as I sleep,
    I trash,
    I hit one of the nurses she has a black eye,

    They bring a man that tries to get me to speak of what I remember,
    When I say I don't want to,
    The nurses look sad,
    They are the only ones I know,
    They are my only friends,
    I must please them,

    I tell the man about the flames and than seeing the face,

    The man talks to the nurses about the man,
    The nurses nod and slightly smile,

    "You can see the firefighter again, do you want to?" they say,
    I nod,
    They bring the man in,
    He smiles,
    "how are you?" he says looking slightly worried,
    I try to say "fine" but my lips hurt to much,
    He seems to understand and nods slightly.


    I get to leave!
    They are going to let me live with the man,
    His name is pat,

    When I was walking out of the hospital everyone was looking at me,
    One whispered "what's wrong with his mouth,"
    Another whispered "He’s the one that was found in the mansion,"
    I pulled on Pats sleeve,
    "What's a mansion?" I asked and he replied back "a really big house,"

    He had a small house,
    two bedrooms,
    One bathroom,
    And the living room and kitchen were one,


    I can't eat right,
    When I chew things go threw a hole in my lip,
    One of the nurses said it should heal,
    They put stitches in it,
    But it stings when I eat.

    I can't sleep,
    The nightmares are worse,
    There’s a burning body walking toward me,
    Dead but walking,
    Moaning and saying a word I do not know,

    I got up and crawl into pats bed,
    I think he woke up,
    But he didn't make me go back to my bed,

    After I fell asleep,
    I had no nightmares,
    I also had no dreams,

    "What is Usagi?" I ask the next day,
    "Why do you ask?" was pats reply,
    "It was a word in my dream I think,"

    I'm walking down a street,
    People are all around me,
    But I feel alone,
    Pat told me to wait here,
    But I want to follow him,
    People are looking at me again,
    I want to yell at them,
    I want to cry to,
    I think they see that because they look away,

    Pats back,
    He has a sucker for me,
    "We need to get your stitches removed" is all he says.
    I got my stitches removed,
    And pat got me ice cream later that day,

    I'm tired,
    And every day I get more tired,
    Pat is worried,
    He lets me sleep in his bed every night to make sure I'm ok,
    I don't know what's the matter,

    I'm in a different white room than last time,
    I got an infection,
    They are talking about me as if I'm not there,
    Talking about how pat may not be a fit caretaker,
    What do I do?
    I need pat.

    Part III
    Yuu

    They found out who I am,
    I am a orphan,
    I was adopted when I was 5,
    I'm 19 and,
    I am no longer Jesse,

    "Yuu, lets go,"
    I see Pat in the door way,
    I get to go home,

    That dream..
    The dream..
    Usagi?
    Father?
    The others?

    I'm crying,
    Pat doesn't know why,
    I'm scared,
    What are these?
    Memories?
    An unforgettable nightmare?
    I cling to pat not knowing what to do,
    He holds me as I cry,
    "What's the matter" is all pat says with his worried look,

    I've been in bed for 3 days,
    I have not ate,
    I have not slept,
    I can tell pat is getting more worried than before,

    A light blue room,
    There feeding me threw a tube,
    But they can't force me to sleep,
    I rip at the tear tattoo till they bind my hands.

    I woke up to find pat fast asleep next to my bed,
    I poked him,
    Seems like he has had as little sleep as I have,

    I think I am better,
    The man comes back everyday,
    Asking me why I did what I did,
    I tell him about the dream,

    His blank look makes me think I have done something wrong,
    Pat looks worried when I tell the dream,
    The dream ended with seeing the face,
    Pats face,

    I do not think it is really a dream,
    But my memories,
    The nurses think so to,

    They are thinking of letting me go home,
    But they say that I might be back again,

    I made friends,
    The people in the hospital are nice to me,
    But I want to go home,
    Its hard to sleep without pat.


    I'm home,
    Its been 3 weeks,
    The doctors thought there was something wrong with my brain,
    There wasn't,

    I haven't talked since than,
    Pat doesn't make me talk,

    I got to go to the park today,
    I tried to talk to the people there but they didn't come near..
    What's wrong with me?

    I ask pat for a mirror,

    I have scars all around my lips,
    I have scratches around the tear tattoo,
    And I have dark circles around my eyes,

    How can pat stand to look at me?



    There are whispers about me again,
    This time they are about who I am,

    I now know what they are talking about,
    I now know what the tattoo's mean,
    I now know why my mouth was ripped apart
    But they all think its a dream,

    My mind,
    I cannot tell who I am,
    The one from the memories,
    Or the one that started in the white room,

    The man talks to me,
    Still asking me of the dream,
    They do not know of the others I speak of,
    Were they really there?

    I am but a mere speck,
    Something not worthy of life,
    I who have lost all but of none.
    A child of lies,
    A child of no hope.

    Pat wants me to try living on my own,
    I was told that it would be good for me,
    I do not want to leave,
    I would rather die.


    This house is to lonely,
    At night the creaks,
    The day the echoes of what is not there,
    When will I get to go back?

    I long for the place I belong,
    There is no were in this world for me,
    I do not sleep,
    I do not eat,
    Why did they force me to come here?

    They are trying to make me tell them..
    I do not want them to know,
    Pat says if I tell them they will let me be,
    But..

    I cannot talk even if I want,
    They do not understand,
    Forbade to talk,
    Mouth closed forever,

    For the death of me,
    who am I?
    There is so many of me,
    Usagi, Jesse, Yuu..
    What one am I?

    Pat came over today,
    He looked sad.
    I do not understand..
    Was it me that made him sad?



    I have a tube in my arm,
    Like when I was in the white room,
    They let me move back in with Pat,
    He says the tube feeds me,
    It hurts,
    I want to be free,
    But I do not want to leave pat,

    My life..
    It is no more,
    There is nothing left,
    I am dead,
    Though I am still living,

    There was a fire,
    Pat had to help put it out,
    He was burned,
    They willn't let me see him.

    The house is so hollow,
    Like a sea shell without the soothing sounds,
    Like a cicadas exoskeleton without the sounds of them in The distance,
    Emptiness,
    Like a vacant house,
    A cave.




    Pat's mind has died they tell me,
    I am the only person that can decide,
    But they say I have to speak,

    I feel so twisted,
    I want him to live even if mind dead,
    What should I do?
    I wish I could switch places with him,
    Let him live on and me die,

    They say it would be better if they took him off,
    I shake my head,
    But they do not listen,
    They want to take away my reason,
    The only one I have,
    The only reason,
    Why?

    I know its selfish,
    I know I am twisted,
    I know all these,
    But I still wish not to let him die,
    Why do they not understand,
    I want to die,
    I want a reason to leave,
    I wish this would be over and pat to be fine,
    For him to have never met me,
    To have died in the fire.





    Part IV
    Sharyl


    The scream echoed though the halls of the hospital,
    I could hear it,
    A sound of a voice hardly used,
    Crackly and shaky,
    I wished to see what or who it was,

    I should stay quite,
    If the nurses hear me they will be mad,
    I found were the scream came from,

    a girl?
    I can't tell,
    A very pretty but deprived looking person,
    Nurses around were trying to shush her,
    In front of her was a man,
    Burned and brain dead,

    The nurses have left,
    The girl is calmer,
    I touch the girls shoulder,
    She looks up at me,
    Tear stricken face,
    Scars around her mouth,
    Long hair,
    Deep circles under her eyes,
    A tear tattoo on her left eye,
    Asian and frail.

    A girl touched me,
    Seeing my face she looked frightened,
    I am ashamed of my self,
    I screamed without realizing till the nurses had come,
    This girl didn't back away,

    She looked at me in the eye,
    With a deep sadness,
    One that would make the ocean cry,

    Something I wouldn't understand,
    Why would she bother with such an ugly person?
    She asked me for my name,
    Yuu was my answer,

    She gave an odd look like she didn't understand something,
    She asked who the man was,
    I said Pat,

    She asked to many questions..
    I do not understand half of what she’s saying,
    She seems to be trying to keep me from sadness.





    Its a boy not a girl,
    His name is Yuu,
    Such an odd name,
    The man was a firefighter that saved him few years before,
    He had the same mind setting as a child,
    He said he had no reason to live without Pat as the man was called,

    He seemed so miserable,
    A deeper sadness than my own,
    Like if he could he would die,
    As if there truly was nothing else for him to live for,

    I was trying to make him happier but instead I made him More sad,
    The more I think about it,
    He doesn't seem the type to know anyone other than one,

    He lives at the hospital,
    He’s not suppose to live on his own,
    I heard the nurses speak of him,
    That he would probably kill him self,

    I ask the nurses about him,
    But they do not answer me,
    They make it seem like he wasn't worth life,
    As if he doesn't have a soul,

    They are worried about how he does not speak,
    I wish I could get out of this room,
    But they say I'm getting worse.
    He came to visit me,
    He didn't talk,
    Just sat down with a sad blank look,
    His mouth was moving but no sound came out,

    Tears trailed down his face,
    As if the tears were speaking he said..

    Pat died,
    During the night,
    He slipped away from me,
    My only person

    I went to see the girl,
    I felt numb as if my soul had abandoned me,
    My mouth moved to form the words I wished to speak,
    But no sound came out,
    I could feel hot tears flow from my eyes,

    "Pat is dead"
    The girl looked at me sympathetically,
    She gave a sad smile,

    "Are you ok?"

    All I could do was shake my head,
    There were no words for me,
    I cried as I have never cried,
    A odd hiccupping sound came from deep in my chest.

    He was sobbing,
    Crying so hard,
    Like he had lost all there was in the world,
    But that probably was his everything,

    I have never seen such a sad person,
    Even against my self,
    Never had I seen such anguish,
    Such a love for a person,
    Never..

    His tears have dried,
    He fell asleep,
    Letting out quite sobs as he slept,
    I want to protect him from this harsh world,

    From this cruel god,
    That kills the kind,
    And leaves the evil,
    The ones that don't deserve what the get,
    The ones that deserve more than what they have.

    Cool hands wake me,
    I open my eyes,
    Everything is blurry,
    And my eyes hurt,
    The girl and her sad smile,

    "I'm Sharyl."

    They took me to have tests done,
    I heard a gasp when the results came,
    I am getting worse,
    And it seems much worse,

    God is cruel for a reason,
    To rid this world of the weak,
    To get rid of the ones that help the weak,
    To rid this world of the soft,

    my life as a weak one,
    Yuu's life as a strong one,
    The child in me that had long last been destroyed,
    Yearned for play,
    To giggle and laugh,

    But I know,
    That is not a option,
    My life is not meant for child’s play,
    I am here to help the strong one,
    To bring them reason,
    It is not my life that matters,
    It is theirs.


    Sharyl talks to me everyday,
    But she seems so sad,
    You can see a yearning in her eyes,
    A longing to be someone else,
    But also the cover for this all,
    A maturity that should have never came till years later,
    As if a wise soul in a child’s body,

    I am to weak to be like her,
    Her soul is so strong,
    But I do not think she sees that,

    I cannot sleep at night,
    There is a rage,
    A lie,
    A lost soul,
    As I search for my reason,
    Though it seems that shall never be,

    My life no longer matters,
    Even when Sharyl is nice to me,
    I think she is at a likewise,
    Pitying me.


    Nurses run past,
    People shouting,
    I walk to my door,
    Flashes of white,
    And the glint of metal rush past,
    Into the ER.







    My head is pounding,
    My heart hurts,
    My lungs gasp but it does not help,
    Yhey are yelling about to much pressure on my brain,
    Dark blotches,
    Pecks of light,
    Blackness

    I wake up in my room,
    The pressure is no longer there,
    But I feel sick,
    My head feels bare,

    Yuu is sitting by my bed,
    asleep,
    How long has it been?

    I touch yuu's shoulder,
    He stirs and looks up,
    A dirty tear stricken face looks at me.


    He cried for me?
    But I am a mere extra* on the stage of life,

    A nurse walks in,
    Sees me awake and smiles,

    "You have been asleep for quite a while, we were worried"

    She tells me that I was asleep for 2 days,
    All that time yuu wouldn't leave my side,
    That there had been to much pressure on my brain,
    And that I should have told people if I was feeling unwell,

    Yuu watches over me,
    He does not leave,
    He wants to stay by my side,
    As if I am important,
    Which I should not be.

    I want to die,
    Life is to hard,
    The only person left said she is going to die soon,
    The hospital tells me I have no reason to stay,
    My life is in pieces,
    As if all my being has shattered,
    As if I am no longer needed on this world,

    My tears have dried up,
    My soul no longer working,
    My life in jumbles,
    Why is this world doing this to me?

    Sharyl says that someone named god is just cruel,
    That he takes away the people that help the weak,
    So only the strong survive,
    That's why she’s in the condition she is and the reason why, I still live she says,
    But I do not believe this to be true,

    I am weak,
    She is stronger than me by many times over,
    But my voice does not work,
    I can't plead what I believe.


    They are moving me I am not aloud back at the hospital,
    Unless something wrong,
    The move me to a rehabilitation center,

    Till I can speak again,
    Till I can think of things other than death,
    Get over my low appetite,
    And my lack of sleeping,
    And talk about what happened to me,
    Till I can live on my own.



    Part V
    A New Life


    A Year Later









    My soul wanders,
    My life pledged to long,
    Souls that I have lost,
    Spirits that I do not have,
    A blank sheet am I,
    All loved ones gone,
    All close friends gone,
    All my past replayed before me everyday,
    All my life,

    When I think upon my self as pitiful,
    To the soul of Sharyl who fought till the end,
    To the soul of pat who took care of one of lost,
    Of all the souls I live not,
    All reasons for living are gone,
    All except to tell tales of Pat and Sharyl,
    And of the father,
    To help those who need what I had not,

    All my wounds healed inside and out,
    My mind no longer of death,
    But on life.



    I'M GOING TO BE LATE!!
    School is to harsh!!
    Why can't they let us be a little late?!

    As I rush past I bump into a frail body,
    I look back and yell a sorry at them,
    I notice a small blue tear tattoo,
    I grin to know he’s alright,
    He looked back with a shocked look,
    I wave and keep on running.


    ...
    I think I saw a ghost,
    Something that no longer exists,
    Sharyl,
    In school clothes rushing past?
    Waving?
    I am sure it was a ghost,
    She couldn't possibly be still here.

    I do not have time to think about it,
    I need to get to the meeting...


    There are many more things that happen in life,
    I cannot write there entire story,
    For there lives are lived,
    Only some can be told,
    These are the tales of people that are not of worlds,
    But of dreams,
    Life but fiction,
    Life and death mixed to a world we do not know,
    Other realities that could exist,
    Things that could be happening right under our noses,
    Things we hear of everyday but do not think will ever Happen to us,
    Other perspectives,
    Other life's,
    Other deaths,

    I do not know what happens after the story ends for life goes on,
    No matter how much we all live on for eternity,
    A story like this would go on forever if we do not end it.


    And here the story ends of
    The clown named Usagi,
    The forgotten Jesse,
    The misunderstood Yuu,
    The loved pat and
    The mature Sharyl

    But it is only the beginning of their true life.

    this is the end of the story "The Story of a Clown Named Usagi"