• The world went dark around me as the casket lid closed. I tried to blink away the tears but I was too late. They streamed down my face even in my silence. I let no other emotions show other than my grief and sorrow as we followed the horrible procession of black out into the graveyard. The group in front of me stopped and at first I didn’t move but in time I pushed my way through the crowd to where I could see the casket being lowered into the earth. I felt many eyes watching me from behind as I stood in silence; my eyes held tightly shut not wanting to believe that this had happened. Slowly everyone started leaving. Several people touched my shoulders gently as they left showing sympathy for the pain that burned deep inside. I looked around with tears in my eyes making sure no one was right beside me, “Why” I muttered. I fell to my knees and looked up into the sky, “why?” I asked again, softer this time as more tears streaked down my cheeks. Now answer came, no sense of calm, nothing. I stood shakily feeling lost and helplessly forlorn as I slowly departed from my Brother’s grave.

    The funeral was on a Saturday and I spent most of my Sunday hiding from everyone. I stayed mainly in my room in the dark trying to find a way to cope with the tragedy that had taken my brother. When Monday morning arrived with me having never slept I slowly got ready for school. My face showed nothing as I walked back into the building; the last place my brother and I had ever spoken. It was in these halls that the memory of him was at its peak and I found tears in my eyes. I looked down as I walked into the commons area trying to blink the tears away.

    When I looked up I saw that everyone was watching me. I tried to keep a strong look about me something that would let everyone know I was ok. I failed miserably at this as I sank into a seat at the end of my usual table, surrounded by my friends who only watched me in silence. I knew they meant well but putting me in the center of attention like that was only making it worse. As I sat down the low roar of chatter slowly filled the air, perhaps a cover noise for the discussions of my brother’s car accident. None of my friends spoke as I sat amongst the group waiting for school to start. Most were watching me when they thought I wasn’t watching them and the depressive mood from them held me in a virtual strangle hold. I put my arms on the table and laid my head on top of them staring down at the table top with watery eyes. Several thoughts seemed to take hold of my mind. The pain that came with these thoughts hit me like a typhoon; it took all of my strength and pride to not burst into tears there in front of everyone but it wouldn’t work for long.