• I No Longer Know Me

    ......

    I’m shaky, my knees are trembling. I grab the bed for support. Even as I write this my hands are trembling, ah the tears are coming now. I thought that if I told the weight that laden’s my shoulders would become less. But instead it increased tenfold. My breath is unsteady, my thoughts jumbled. The only comfort of my dogs yellow head lying on my legs has gone and left. I’m anxious, my foot won’t stop taping, and I now know what it feels like to have clammy hands.


    I feel exposed, like I just betrayed my best friend. Which I have, but I cry to myself it was to save another, maybe even more than that one. My eyes don’t settle on anything for long. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Will he hate me? Will he try to strike me? I do not know. What I do know is that I did what was right, and it hurts. It hurts in the very core of me.


    The words I said run through my head at rapid speed. Truthfully I’m only writing this down to distract me. Distract me from what I’ve done. What I’ve reveled. My body is stationary but inside me my organs bounce off my bones. What I said could, no will, tear us apart. Everything had been going so well but then that little girl had to whisper those terrifying words in my ear.


    I kept it hidden for quite some time but I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I prayed and prayed for help to open my mouth and force those nasty words to come out of my mouth. I don’t regret it, I won’t ever regret but contrary to popular belief I’m not all sunshine and happiness, I have some evil in me. I hadn’t know way back when but in those months I kept it in I realized it, for how could the good guy let those words go unsaid. I was her role model and yet it took so long for me to gather the courage.


    You don’t know me, she doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know me, I don’t know me. I thought I did once, I thought I was brave and good but I guess that goes to show how misguided the human mind can become. I do know one thing though; those words will forever haunt me.

    “Come on,” I said to the little girl. “Why don’t you want to play with him?”

    I watched the little girl sigh. “Can I whisper it to you?”

    “Of course”