• If only
    She couldn’t help but sigh as she walked across campus. It was only four weeks into her freshmen year as she was already beginning to be shrouded in doubts. Why was she there? Where was she going? What if she had made a mistake? What if it wasn’t the right place of her? She knew what she had wanted, but now she wasn’t so sure. A day full of doubts. Yes that’s what it was without a question. She felt unsure of herself, uneasy. It felt more like being a teenager just beginning puberty and seeking acceptance rather than looking ahead at the future as an adult, planning for what lied ahead. The walk had few people on it, only adding to her feeling of isolation. She did her best to pay no attention to it. Class was over for her, but others were sure to be in session.
    Her thoughts drifted to that of home. There were times when she wondered why she had so desperately wanted to get away. She had her wish granted now. She was at least fourteen hours away from her home going to that number one choice out of state college she had dreamed of attending once her others had been shot down. Fourteen hours away from her mother and father, her two brothers both older and younger. Fourteen hours away from the friends it took so long for her to make. The ones who would go out of their way to make her smile or laugh, cheer her up when she was down, stand in her corner when she felt like the world was against her. They were like her cheering squad and encouragers when no one else lent their support. All that she left behind and for what? To go to her first choice college, earn her teaching degree, and make something out of herself. Everyone had had such confidence in her. She once had that same confidence.
    Another sigh escaped her lips. Her confidence was slowly melting away with time. When was the last time she had seen those smiling faces? Heard their voices? Felt their kindness? It felt like ages. No matter how much she missed them, she knew she could never give up her college life. She had found great roommates and for once she felt more like she belonged than anywhere she had been before. There was something for everyone, a place where she could express herself, open up, try new things and ideas, and just plain be herself. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She enjoyed her classes and was even performing well. The campus was beautiful, a perfect place to take pictures. It had a calming effect on her. She felt at piece when she walked through campus at a leisurely pace. It could excite her on a moment’s notice. The thrill of having class cancelled, listening to slam poets, and even seeing school spirit pour from the students. Yes it was a wonderful place, she belonged there. A part of her heart just knew that it was meant to be, that she couldn’t have found happiness and sense of peace anywhere else.
    Then why was she filled with doubt? Why did the questions come back to haunt her in the middle of the night, during class, or when she was having fun? Why did she keep feeling this sense of loss, depression, and almost unbearable sorrow? She needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand, but they were too far for her to reach. Fourteen hours is a long way away, even with technology.
    Arms were wrapped around her from behind. Panic shot through her in an instant, wiping away all of her doubt. Instinctively, she grabbed her bag and swung it with all her might plowing it into whomever it was that had grabbed her.
    “Ow! Hey that hurt!”
    Her eyes slowly opened and she looked at him. She couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across her face. There he was, an old friend, standing before her, her bag in one hand and the other rubbing his now sore torso. He was a good head and neck taller than she was with dark hair and eyes. His smile was the same that had made her forget all her worries before.
    “Come on, aren’t I gonna get a hug? Or do I just get slugged for driving all this way?”
    She laughed as she pulled the bag back and hugged him tightly.
    “I can’t believe you’re here! When did you….why did you…?”
    “We wanted to see you.”
    “We?”
    No sooner had she asked more people emerged from the nearby parking lot tackling her with their hugs. She could barely believe it. They were all there. All the friends she had left behind had put forth the effort and made a trip to see her. She never would have expected it, never would have dreamed it to come true, yet there they were. Everyone from her two best friends she had met in her early middle school years to the ones she had come to care so much about through band during high school. She couldn’t hide how happy she was. She was no longer alone. They had all come to cheer her on, to make her believe, to give her that confidence that she been losing. They had all come….they all came….
    If only
    She looked at herself in the mirror as she stood in the bathroom in her dorm. The face of a sad girl losing hope and confidence stared back. She cracked a pitiful smile at herself as the tears welled up in her eyes. She knew. She knew it had all been in her head. She made the whole thing up as a comfort. Nobody was coming. She felt lucky that they didn’t forget about her. She held her phone to her heart. It was her only source of contact and even then it didn’t come through all the time.
    All she wanted was to see them, to talk to them. She just needed the reassurance. She just needed them there.
    But they weren’t there and they weren’t coming.
    She had to face the reality of the situation. She had chosen to leave for college, chosen to pursue her education and career in a place she thought she could succeed. It was her fault and she would have to live with it. The doubts wrapped around her, clouding her thoughts once more. No one was there to chase them away, to tell her it was alright. That was the price she had paid. She sat herself on the tile to let the few stray tears fall.
    No one would come to the rescue. She was alone.