• I'ts dark.
    I don't know where i am.
    I see nothing, i hear nothing, i feel....nothing.
    My head is throbbing with an excruciating pain.
    Suddenly i hear voices.
    They sound distant but i hear them. I can't make out whom the voices belong to.
    But I hear two people, a man and a woman.

    The Woman: Doctor, we just gave her the chemotherapy.
    The Man: Ah. Do you see any improvements in the tumors.
    Woman: No, if anything they've gotten bigger.
    Man: This is her fifteenth procedure, and shes getting no better.
    Woman: What are we going to do?
    Man: The cancer is going to eat her away, no matter what we do.

    I hear to woman sigh.

    Man: I'm afraid she has only a few hours to live.
    Woman: Who'se going to tell her family?
    Man: Someones going to have to tell them.

    Theres silence.
    The man and woman have left.
    I know where I am now. I am at the St. Judes Hospital.
    I am here because I have brain cancer.
    I strain to open my eyes. Finally my eyelids give in and they slowly slide open, to reveal the bleach white room, in which I have become stranded in.
    My eyes show me the room in which I am most likely to die.

    The clocks wind back a year, when I was just like everyone else.
    A normal 15 year old girl.
    Who had friends, and went out on Saturdays.
    Who went to high school, and played sports, flirted with boys, and played pranks on the teachers.
    A normal 15 year old girl.

    Now I am a 16 year old cancer patient, whom now has an expiration date on her life.
    I close my eyes again unable to take in all of what I had heard.

    "Im afraid she only has a couple of hours to live" the doctor had said.

    I thought of my mom, and my dad.
    I thought of how they would take the news.
    I knew i only had a short amount of time to live.

    The pain in my head was overwhelming my entire body, and slowly my eyes began to close.
    Was this it? Am i going to die now?
    my eyes were almost all the way shut.

    "Olivia!" I heard my mothers voice, and suddenly my eyes shot open.
    My moms grip around my body felt warm and comforting.
    My tensed muscles began to relax, and for the first time in a whole year, i felt like I didn't have a life threatning disease.

    "Mom?" The words came hoarsley out of my mouth.
    "Yes Honey I'm here."
    "Are you okay?"
    "I will be dear" My mom said tearily.

    I could see the tears inching down her face, and falling down to the white linen sheets of the hospital bed.

    "Are you scared?" I asked.
    "No, sweeite. I'm not because I know you're going to be okay"

    I didn't speak right away.
    I knew she meant that I would be taken care of by God.

    I never knew what it would be like to be so close to death.
    In the movies, you see everyone crying, and millions of thoughts are racing in the victims head.

    But it was the exact opposite.
    My mind was extremely serine.
    The thoughts processing slowly in my brain.

    The pain was easing away.
    My mom was crying at the side of my bed, my hand in hers.
    My father was next to my mom, his eyes not looking at my face.
    He was staring off to the side.
    His mind lost in space. I knew he wanted to hold me and kiss me and comfort me.
    But he wasn't like that.
    So he didn't.
    I never expected him to.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    One hour left.
    I look at the monitor next to my bed.
    My heart rate was decreasing slowly.
    I re-adjusted my head to stare back at the ceiling.
    This was it.
    I am going to die.

    Death.
    i never really liked the word.
    it sounded cold and harsh.
    but now i was helpless.

    Dying didn't seem too bad now.
    I wasn't crying.
    Because I didn't need to.
    It wouldn't do me any good.

    I feel my mothers light breathing is steady on y arm.
    She's asleep. I don't know where my father is.


    I think to myself, Was I worth the human life God gave me?
    I never understood my purpose in the world.
    Is that what God did?
    Did He use people as a "place holder" until he needed you out of the way so someone else could do the important things He needed done.
    I guess when I was dead I would ask him.

    I didn't have much time.
    My breath was shortening.
    My eyes were beginning to close.
    In my last moments I pray for my mom.
    My dad.
    I prayed for the world.
    I prayed that no ones life would have to be predicted like mine was.
    That no one had to know when they were going to die.

    I wasn't mad at God for taking my life away.
    It's his job.
    Everyone comes and goes.
    It's the circle of life.
    So I said to myself that if I was going to go I was going to go graciously.

    My eyes were closed again.
    This time it wasn't dark.
    It was a pretty glow.
    I could feel my mouth curl into a small smile.
    My body began to relax.
    From my toes to my head.
    This was it.
    I could hear nothing from the room in which i felt so trapped in.
    Instead it was pleasently quiet.
    I felt free.
    This I knew; is what dying felt like.
    I didn't feel like I had cancer anymore.
    I felt like I was a normal 16 year old girl.


    Well sort of.