• The first memory was when my cousins slept over. It was daytime and me and my cousin were playing Mario party 5. I looked at my cousin.. he was actually their with me... actually talking to me in person. "Can we play now?" I smiled and we started to play as we used to do. Playing every hockey match, switching the partners around so that we would vs. everybody in different orders. We laughed together...smiled together... enjoyed having each other's company.

    Then came the second memory. I was at my Aunt Cesna's house and it was thanksgiving. My cousin just got into a fight with my other cousin Tyson. I felt so guilty because i was suppose to be watching him. In my mind i wanted to apologize i wanted to say sorry for not being their for you. I just looked at him with eyes filled with betrayel. I couldn't stand it, i couldn't bare to see him like this.

    The next memory came when i was once again at my aunts house. All i could think was "No.... i can't keep on re-living the past... its just so painful..." My mom stormed in... crying about the horrible news. My cousin has just died... Bernard is gone forever...

    The 4th memory then came. I woke up from my sleep that i thought was a nightmare. Until i looked downstairs to find my Aunty Lauren on the bed asleep. From their i knew it was all true... it wasnt a nightmare like i wished it was... but for the rest of my life it will continue to be just a nightmare..

    The 5th memory then came by. My mom and my two sisters were in the car. My mom told me to stay when i wanted to go. They were leaving to go see my cousin Bernard in his Casket. I wanted to see him one last time. I wanted to see that it wasn't a lie that he was dead. But i watched them drive away down the street without me. I will never see my cousin again...

    The 6th then came. It was December 1st.. the day of my cousin Bernard's birthday. We all held candles with our names on it and stood in a circle. Then we said what we wanted to say and let go of the balloons that we held in are hands. They had notes attached to them that said their message from us to Bernard. "Happy birthday cousin.. i miss you so much i wished you didnt have to go...."

    The 7th flash back then came. It was at his funeral... and i looked up at the closed casket. I wanted to open it to see if he was really in their. I still couldnt believe that he was gone. he was only 8 when he had left i just couldn't believe it.. I watched as they rolled it away into the car.... i never got to see if he was even in their.

    The 8th flash back was at my aunty Laurens house. I looked at the glass case she had on her dresser. "R.I.P Bernard" was what it said... that held his ashes... It couldn't be him though... the glass case was so small.. and the box in the center was even smaller... he couldn't have possibly fit in their... hes still out their....

    And now back to reality..... All the nights i have cried myself to sleep ever since... all the pain i felt... all the pain i still feel... the isolation and hurt... the guilt and the part of me that never understood... Never believing he was gone... 3 years since then... and I'm still living it as if it was the first day he has left.... I feel like i dont deserve happiness... its all my fault... its all me... and ... i will never accept happiness for more then a whole day....

    every night i shall suffer...

    and i've accepted the sorrow...