My place of amazment

• Artist: StarOnTheRise0524
• Description: hey guys, plz plz plz comment, i relly need constructive critism so i can kno wat wud b bettr next time...thanx 4 reading!!!
• Date: 02/14/2009
• Tags: place amazment

I hide my face in my hair,
because my wishes take me there.
That place i love, and gives me pleasure.
For which time is a different measure,
I could take you there, and maybe let you see
just how much you mean to me.
Its a brand new place,
with lots in store.
A place that offers so much more.
Theres no more pain and no more hurt.
Where our sorrows are burried under dirt.
My escaspe from reality and whats in store,
my place of wonder,
My Own Little World.

Comments

[Romantic Infection]

the idea is mixed up, i can pull 4-5 different major ideas out of this, you rhyme scheme is well done, although at some pionts it does seem to fall off the track so to speak. The one lst thing really isn't technical but more a personal feel and that's the duoble use of the "store" endeding on lines 8 and 12.
otherwise it was well done 4/5

[polarice264]

So awsome...you said it perfect poet! smile

[goldenheart8]

It's great.... biggrin

[Wabbajacked]

ur a poet!