If only sooner i had known

• Artist: wii roxedem
• Description: Love her still will love her forever more
• Date: 07/25/2010
• Tags: only sooner known

if only sooner i had known
she love me like i loved her
if only sooner i had known
she was there but now she's gone
if only sooner i had known
life with her would not go on
if only sooner i had known
oh so real but fake she seems
if only sooner i had known
she would be in my dreams

love seemed so real
when she was around
time stood still
every moment i treasur still

hope lies within my heat
the scar only a mark
i was riped open out side in
it never really healed again

i have hope ruby will return to me

Comments

[Curious for Coco Puffs]

[2/2]Speaking of the third stanza, the third verse "i was riped open out side in" seems fairly awkward; perhaps a rephrasing could help?

I'm sure that if you fix those minor areas, it would be a much more powerful piece. Good luck, and I wish you the best with your Ruby! :]

[Curious for Coco Puffs]

[1/2] A pretty good emotional piece, in my opinion, though there are some areas you could improve on.
Always remember that good grammar and vocabulary make poetry and stories alike much easier to read, and therefore easier to "feel". If you capitalize, as well, it will make the work seem more professional.
Second stanza, last verse: Treasure.
Third stanza, first verse: Heart
Third stanza, third verse: Ripped