• I’m sorry
    I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
    For being lazy and just lounging around
    For not doing something that I said that I would
    For putting important things on hold
    For being so absent minded that it caused you trouble
    I’m sorry that I lack the motivation to get a job
    That I waste so much of your hard earned money
    That you have to go through everything negative because of me
    You could have a better life
    If I was more responsible
    If I was less selfish
    And I know that you don’t like me thinking like this
    But sometimes I think that you would be better off if I had never been born
    Never had someone to hold you back
    To make you frustrated or angry or stressed
    You could have married someone else besides me mother
    You could have gotten your degree and a well-paying job
    If only I had never been alive
    But then I’m selfish remember
    I don’t want to let you go nor you me
    I love you and I don’t want to be forgotten
    We had good moments too right?
    I made you a little happy right?
    I’m far from being perfect or even from being decent
    But that’s what life is about right?
    Or am I just being stupid again?
    I mean you’re smart and talented and yet you’re unhappy
    The only thing that would make things better for you is that if I wasn’t here to make you like this
    Maybe if I could just disappear then you would be able to be happy
    To be able to have a family that you deserve, one that would make you happy
    I don’t really want to leave but if it’ll make you happy then I will
    I’ll leave and never bother you again
    If it means that you will be happy
    So I’m sorry
    For everything

    People don’t realize that sometimes chronic depression isn’t always visible. Sometimes people who feel it don’t want others to know that they have depression. They see it as a burden to others more than it is to themselves. It is because of this that even the littlest thing can set them off into a visible depressed state. I was diagnosed with chronic depression since I was 10, I am 21 now. I have had counseling multiple times to try and help me, but about 10 years of mental abuse could not be undone with just a few years of counseling. The damage was done and I feel like the biggest burden to those I care about most of the time. People never realize any of this though, because I don’t want them to. I pretend that everything is fine and that I don’t think about “disappearing” to make others happy. However, sometimes it’s too much, and I break. Because of this I have developed anxiety, and would have anxiety attacks. The worst attack that I had I lost all feeling in the right side of my face, and I had requested that I be taken to the hospital. This put so much strain on my dad that I felt that I should “disappear” from his life for good. It didn’t get much better from there. I was able to distract myself for a while with video games and online stories. However, when ever something bad was to happen I would automatically think that I was at fault and the thoughts of “disappearing” would always come back. Some people think that depression can be cured, that it can go away. It can’t. Depression isn’t being sad momentarily. It’s an aching pain that travels through your body. It is something that most can’t control. You can take pills so that it doesn’t control you, but it never goes away completely.