The title is a song by Maroon 5, its a really sweet song...I like it alot. It keeps playing over and over again in my head inplace of "Gasolina". I like the lyrics...alot. They seem to touch me in this special way, like secret thoughts I keep trying not to think and this just...makes me remember, but I can't conciously grasp whatever these secrets are. Its almost in my grasp, so close but my arms just aren't long enough to reach it and it feels like I need to remember so badly for a very important reason...
Something I have to confess here...I had a dream about Chris the day before yesterday. This dream...that...just amazing. I feel so bad I would ever dream such a thing...and I don't know why I even feel bad. Its not like it was a sex dream or anything like that...it was so...pure and innocent and yet I feel so bad inside for dreaming it. I feel like I did something wrong, crossing like a boundry between Chris and I for dreaming it....I am seriously ashamed of it. I can't even write it out or talk about it here or speak it even...
I almost fell asleep during Algebra 2 as I was taking my test. I don't know why I couldn't stay awake...but for now on, when I have school I have to be to bed laying down by 11pm. I can't keep doing this schedule, I dont' like not paying attention in class. I need this pathetic excuse for an education so I can get out of these projects and into a real home in a nice place where I don't have to worry so much.
I'm numb again for some reason. Sometimes I feel so much its overwealming...but nowadays I am just dead inside.
I just...I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to argue or kick or scream or do anymore of this drama. I just want to be calm and ok...
This new desire of mines has its down side. For example, I dont' want to speak up. Its like I don't have a voice of my own anymoer...just moving with the wind...like I'm tiered of resisting.
I snagged some Boys2Men songs from the computers in school. I was listening to "Yesterday" in DP class. I dunno why...I jsut wanted to hear it again and again. Boys2Men reminds me of my childhood, what little I can remember of it atleast. It was my mom and Kenny's sex songs. I remember not being allowed to listen to Boys2Men when I was little. Now whenever I think of it, I associate it with sex. Though I have yet to have sex to a song of theirs....something I have to invest some time into.
My headphones broke. They won't play music anymore and it sucks because those were my favorite headphones ever too...
Josh asked me out yesterday. I think he did atleast. He asked me to be his, and of course I said yes. He was...ok again. Like before. He even said he loved me. Which I didn't expect yesterday...and it scared me. Alot. I don't know what to expect.
I'm full of so many questions...one reason I adore Josh so much is because he can always answer my questions. I love a guy who can answer the millions of ridiculous things I ask on a daily basis...
Evertything is happening so fast I cant' process is right in my head. I just keep making splitsecond decisions without thinking abotu if its something I really do want. I always do this...I never think. I always want to concider myself such an intellectual yet I don't think at all...I don't care how high my grades are in school, tha doesnt' make me smart at all.
I hurt Isaac really bad yesterday...is that why I feel like this today? I feel remorseful about how I keep hurting his feelings. Over and over again its like I delight in hurting him like I do...but I don't...I don't know why i keep acting like this. I keep getting upset and whining and yelling over nothing...I forget after a while why I am ever even upset...
I keep letting petty things bother me. I remember on one episode of Sailor Moon, Ami was talking to Greg (that guy who could see into the future back in season 1 I think) about how she lets petty things bother her too and how she shouldn't. I think it was that episode....anyway, I love Sailor Moon. Thats my favorite show of all time because it taugh me so much. My mom was never really there for me when I was little to teach me the things I needed to know to be a respectful and decent young lady. I honestly think if I wasn't so obsessed with Sailor Moon like I was when I was little and it came on CN I would be a totally diffrent person right now. I wouldn't think school was so important, or care abotu my friends, or help people like I try to, or take showers daily, or like to make other happy, or defend people who can't defend themselves, or be as happy and silly as I get in my hyper moods, or do my hair everyday, or be clumsy, or even clean my finger nails. I remember on one episode of Sailor Moon at the end Lita said something about keeping her fingernails clean and since then I kept mines clean and I feel disgusting is they're not clean. My mom never taight me any of that...thats why my sisters are so dirty and nasty now, thats why they dont' care for themselves like a young lady should...I wanna watch Sailor Moon now...
I'm currently listening to the entire CD "Songs About Jane" from Maroon 5...I used to hate this CD, I thought it was soft and stupid. But now...I like it alot. 3nodding
My mom said yesterday a lot of people wanted to buy "my" car. Last night, she made it clear it wasn't "mines"...because she wants to sell it and she wants to make money off of it. Her excuse for wanting to sell it is because she thinks we need the money now and I won't be able to pay $200 worth of car insurance every month. I should just let the b***h sell it...I don't really feel like fighting about this now. Like I said, I dont want to fight anymore. She told me to get a job and all this other s**t...she keeps ******** forgetting she needs to take me to get ******** applications or else I CANT GET A JOB. I hate her so much for beign so ******** stupid....I hate her so much right now. I hate her I hate her I hate her. She cant' manage her money and now we're broke and she wants to sell the car she promised to me to make money for her blunders...god I hate her so much. She doesnt' think either. SHe just shouts commands and expects us all to listen like dogs but I am NOT her dog...
I wish I could move out now. I want to get away from this world...get far away from Columbus and those people I call my "family" and just start over...I cant' stand this anymore...its so hard. I can't fight them off anymore and pretty soon they're just going to start using me...
I'm not getting on RO till after I eat...
I'm making dinner againt onight. My mom quit trying to cook. Now she just throws foods together and calls it a meal. I'm not allowed to cook for myself anymore because "it uses up food everyone could share". I'm making fried chicken tonight with mashed patatoes and roll and whatever else I can find.
My stomach is still making those weird noises...its anoyign me...
School was good today, besdies the tests and my being numb. Chad and that other kid who's name I cant' remember sat by me in DP playing cards. I dont like sitting next to Chad...I used to have a big crush on him so now its embarassing to be around him.
After the CD is done playing, I still have 3 or 4 mroe songs, I'ma get on RO I think...or maybe just sleep...I'm so exhausted...I'd prefer not to live anymore but since thats not negotiable I'll just keep suffering.
I wish there were two of me...'cause I'd hug myself right now and promise everything would be ok. Thats honestly all I need to be ok...doesn't even have to be the truth...just for someone to hold me for a little bit till I feel ok again. Only person who ever held me before was Greg...when I cry and stuff my mom doesn't touch me. She never has. I don't understand why she doesn't...it doesn't matter, I don't want her to touch me anyway; I dont' know where she's been who she's been with or what shes gotten from those experiances.
In the Joy Luck Club, its like its getting depressing but its not. I feel sad for the mothers and daughters, they could be so much happier...I mean, I know its just a book but still. One of the daughters is having a messy divorse with her husband and just like her mother she found her own voice and her own strenth. I think thats cool...really cool to be so strng on your own. I want to be like that. I think I am starting to be...struggling with these baby steps but maybe someday I will feel like that too.
I have this game I play with my friends in school. Something I always start to do when I am comfortable and feel loved in a situation. I start naming my favorite friends as my sibilings. Like Shaddaria is big my sister because she is so mean to everyone but just has that big sister charisma, plus xd she's way taller than me so I have to look up to her. Morris is my little brother because of how much he respects girls and hsi family. Brad is my mom xd because he is naggy and bitchy like a mom is. 3nodding Jamrisa is my dad....because... xd I dunno really. She's short like 4"7 and is really nice and likes to keep the peace like my ideal father figure would do sweatdrop .
Here it is again, Sweetest Goodbye, the CD is over after this long song. ...Gosh I been here for 44mins typing sweatdrop
I'ma get the lyrics and post them here when I feel like it. My fave part of the song is:
"Pushing forward,
arching back."
Because I don't know what that means. sweatdrop Like in the video of This Love they have a sex scene so are they talking abotu sex or what with those lyrics? gonk 'cause I can think of alot of positions where you do that.... sweatdrop
There it goes...song over, I'ma prep for dinner and eat some Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal...cause thats my favorite heart I won't eat any other flavored oatmeal besides taht..... sweatdrop
Bye bye
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Panda-tastic
My rants, not a life plan.
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