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I could use a good laugh ATM, so I'm posting hilarious RvB quotes! xp

Caboose: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Church: Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut.

Caboose: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh oh...
Tucker: Uh oh...
Church: What? Oh, son of a bi... [Is fired upon]
Tucker: Holy ********! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church! [to Caboose:] You shot Church, you team-killing ********!
Church #2: Oh NO! I'm the team-killing ********!

Tucker: Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your ********' body back?
Church: Roger that. [Runs towards Lopez]
Lopez: No! Heauegerkerherk! [Twitches wildly as he is repossessed]
Tucker: ...You okay in there, Church? Church? Hey, what's going on? ...Do I need to flip your switch?
Church: [Reappears] What the-? That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?
Tex: [while in possession of Lopez's body] Well. Buenos diaz, cockbites. Guess who's back?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Tucker: Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.
Church: Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.
Tucker: What? I'm talking to Caboose.
Caboose: I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?
Tucker: What? No.
Caboose: Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs and a blanket?
Tucker: Damn it, no, Caboose, I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my ******** sheets again, I'm gonna kill you.

Tucker: Hello inferior Red squad!
Church: We would like to talk to you about...
Caboose: [Interrupts] Sneak attack!
Church: Shut up you idiot! We're not here to fight! We're here to negotiate!
Caboose: Yay! Sneak negotiation!

[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet.]
Church: [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
["Discussing Politics: the Internet", cuts into a chaotic battlefield]
Church: [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge: [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently? Jerk!
Grif: We don't need to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to want to! That's how it works!
Simmons: I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Doc: Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut: Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!

Doc: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: ...You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a *****.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh, yeah. Right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.
Church: That's real classy, Tucker.

[Grif and Donut are hiding behind the Warthog... Sheila the Tank is about to run into the jeep]
Donut: Let's make a break for it!
Grif: Whew! In that case, let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past.
Donut: OK, you count.
Grif: Fine. But don't look at me while I count, because I get nervous. [Grif turns away from Donut] One...
[Donut gets up and runs like hell]
Grif: Two... [Turns and sees that Donut is long gone] That son of a b***h. He beat me at my own game. Curses!
[Sheila the Tank plows into the Warthog, blowing it up]

Gary: You are a dirty, dirty shisno. Ha, ha, ha.
Church: All right, what does it mean?
Gary: What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?
Church: Um... a skunk. Wait, so shisno means skunk?
Gary: Not exactly. Does a skunk defecate? And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?
Church: Eww, no!
Gary: Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

Tucker: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Some slimy-toothed monster scared the crap out of Church! Ha-ha!
Tex: He didn't scare the crap out of him. He scared the soul out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap... stupid crap-for-soul!
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now.
Tex: Well... then let's go get this big 'thing' of yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up.
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe... bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you've got sisters - bow-chicka - who are twins - bow-wow!
Church: Shut up...
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Shut up. Shut up! Shut... up!...

Tex: All right, screw it. You guys get behind me and stay tight...
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.

Sarge: Check it out. Robot #2, codeword dirtbag.
Grif: [the robot beeps, then hits Grif] Ow! Hey!
Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try. Let me try. Codeword dirtbag!
Grif: [is hit] Ow! OK fine. Two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag! [is hit] Ah, son of a b***h.

Tucker: Hey, don't leave me here with Jr.! What am I supposed to say?
Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball!
Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose: Ask him if he likes T-ball!
Church: Alien, Caboose. "Alien" was the keyword in that sentence.
Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!
Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and then impregnate them! So... let's just start with that. Y'know, common ground.
Tucker: Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church: CABOOSE!

Grif: [starts a "eulogy" for Sarge] Hey everybody, it's great to be here! Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean, besides "good riddance!"? Hoooo!
[he and Sister laugh] Ha-ha. But seriously. Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You know what I'm talkin' about.
Sarge: Come on! Is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif: Quiet in the front row! And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!

Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

Red Grunt: [Melee kills a Blue Grunt] Oh! Back of the head!
Blue Grunt: Ooh! Tell my girlfriend that I love her.
Red Grunt: She's my girlfriend now, b***h!

Red Grunt: [Runs past Blue's camping spot and is killed] Oh, you ******** camping b***h!
Blue Grunt: It's a legitimate strategy!

Tex: That's your story? You saw a big thing?
Tucker: Ahh, my story had a big thing too. You just didn't give it time to develop.
Church: Well, I didn't really get a good look at it.
Caboose: At Tucker's big thing?
Church: No, you dumbass! At the big thing in the base that attacked me!

Donut: I only eat foods that begin with vowels!
Simmons: That's sounds really hard! What did you have for breakfast?
Donut: Eggs and Oreos! And for lunch I'm having asparagus... and Oreos!
Grif: Holy crap! I've been on that diet for years! I had no IDEA I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs! And I don't even KNOW what asparagus is.

Lopez: Me llamo Lopez.
Tucker: Lopez! He just said "Lopez!" I understood that! I can speak Spanish!

Some red soldier: [Sarge shoots a blue soldier] Oh you got owned! I saw it, ******** owned!
Blue Team: Teams! Teams! Teams!
Some red soldier: Shut up! Teams are fine!
Red Team: Teams are fine! Teams are fine! [the armies start shooting at each other]

Sarge: I was talkin' about the trumpet, bluetard!

Baby Alien: [Tucker makes a comment about Tex] Bow-chicka-honk-honk!
Doc: Well, I guess you HAVE been teaching him some things.
Tucker: Teach? That s**t's genetic!

Church: [Describing an Alien that attacked him] All I know is that it was slimy and it had lotsa teeth.
Tucker: Kinky!
Church: Seriously, dude, cut the s**t.

Tex: You cockbiting ******** broke my voice filter!

Church: [Shoots O'malley] Give it up, O'malley. The only one who can make my girlfriend cranky and crazy is me!
Tex: Aww, that's so sweet!
Church: Can it b***h!
Tex: You a*****e!

Donut: My armor's not pink, it's lightish red.

Donut: Ohhh, I've been waiting for this... [runs to edge of base] HEY b***h! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'! [Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker: Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex: [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut: HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!

Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgun... ********!
Donut: Shotgun lap!
Simmons: ********!

Church: Tucker! Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: Church... the purple guy... he's...
Church: Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley, he must have gotten the medic somehow...
Tucker: No... he's an a*****e..

Sarge: [Lopez is singing - badly] What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio NOW? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!

Red Zealot: [in a huge battle] Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Everyone, stop fighting! [the fighting stops] Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
Red Grunt: [reverently] It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
Red Zealot: I have seen the top of the mountain, and you will all worship me, as though I were a god! [Blue grunts run up and mob him] I regret nothing! I lived as few men dared to dream! [dies]

Tucker: Get Doc. I need Doc.
Donut: I can't! He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped! He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?
Tucker: I know. I want him to shoot me again.

Simmons: There's six of us, and this is only a three-seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
Donut: It was a great road trip! My favorite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally...
Grif: [disgusted sigh] Ugh, please, let's not tell this story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

O'Malley: It's quiet. Too quiet. [Gunshot barely misses him] Suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Sarge: Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall!... or we paint it a very disgusting color.

Tucker: [Watching the Halo 2 E3 trailer. "Bungie" appears on screen] Bungle...
Church: That's an 'I', you idiot.
Tucker: Oh! Right... Bingle...

O'Malley: Ha ha ha ha ha, yes! This place will do nicely for an evil lair! It's diabolically designed.
Doc: As a student of Feng Shui, I can tell you this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floor plan.
Lopez: I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.
O'Malley: Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed. We're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. ...Excellent! No doubt our very presence has scared everyone away, mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Doc: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent? We don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.
Lopez: It could have mold.
O'Malley: Both of you shut up! It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory. It's perfect!
Doc: Yeah, but what about the school district?
Lopez: We have no children.
Doc: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.
O'Malley: Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world, not make prudent investments!
Lopez: It's important to have a fallback plan.

Tucker: [Church has been shot] Church! It's going to be OK, man!
Church: No... I'm not... I'm not going to make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
Tucker: What is it?
Church: I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
Tucker: Yeah. I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you p***k.
Church: OK. [dies]

Simmons: [firing his rifle] Oh, that's right! Suck it, Blue.
Grif: [pops up in front of Simmons] Yeah. Sneak attack!
Simmons: Sit down, you dumbass. I can't see!

Tucker: ...Let's just put it this way. I felt less threatened when Tex was just staring at the sword.
Tex: ...Huh? ...What, oh... Scueus... Yeah, I uh... Was just admiring his alien muscle structure.
Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure.
Tex: Well that's just a matter of p***s. I, uh, I mean opinion!
Church: Smooth, Tex.

O'malley: Maybe you could have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics. Let me get you started... There's three holes. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Doc: Oh, gross.
O'malley: I meant in the bowling ball!