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Why do i feel like i want to cry?
...Why can't the emotion i crave come to my aide?
I'm the type of person that needs to cry once every few months to feel better.
But lately all i can feel is a distant numbness in my mind...i can't think i can't do anything without feeling like it's my fault or feeling like my mother is blaming it all on me.
I don't think she realises how much it hurts to have her say things to me that i know i haven't done on purpose.
She comes off as though everything i do is horrible...sometimes it is but the majority of the time i'm not trying to do anything stupid.
I feel like the screw up of our family, i want to shake off the feeling. I used to be able to but now it just sinks in even more and now i'm begining to beleive it myself, i'm failing some courses at school...not paying much attention and i grow angrier with every passing day.
I'm begining to blow up and i don't like what i'm seeing...i'm hitting people, ignoring others thinking of horribly stupid things.
I also have another dilema...i don't want to live with my mother.
Nor my father, you see my parents are seperated and live in two completely different provinces.
It hurts to hear the fights they have together when ever he phones, i've always been scared to phone my dad, since i have a few very old relatives i'm scared that they might have passed away...i'm also afraid he won't want to see me again.
As i have said before i was sick of my fathers juvenile behaviour so i skipped my visit with him this summer. He hasn't paid child support for a few years and that's where all the fights come from.
No one really knows who i am cause i refuse to really show them...i'm even a fake to my best friend...I don't like to smile all the time and i wish i fit in like everyone else but at the same time i enjoy being slightly different...it's been eight years at the same school and i'm still considered the new girl...mostly i feel invisible.
I feel like a piece of garbage, hated and ready to be thrown away.
 MicheMaBelle · Fri Oct 19, 2007 @ 05:57pm · 1 Comments |
