A fool's dream
One day that seemed normal as ever, the person I longed for and tried to have forgotten came back. He said hi as if nothing had ever happened. My eyes couldn't resist at the sight of his name, saying he was online. I couldn't help but look every second, then a miracle happened, I thought, he called me what he used to call me before. I didn't reply, thinking that it may have been a dream, was I mistaken? am I really seeing what i think im seeing? I read it over again, my heart pounded, it was real, he asked me if he could still call me it, i paused and my stomach did a summersault, all i could say was that it was up to him. Even though I really wanted to say yes, but I didn't want to sound as if i was obsessing over him, I let him take over me once again.
We talked so casual as if That part of our lives never occured. He stopped and told me politely that i should go back to what i was doing, did he think i thought he was bothering me? if he did then he was wrong, I didn't say anything else, so i went back to what i was doing trying not to think of anything. I really wanted to say I'd rather talk to him, that i missed him. My eyes can't resist the thought that he was there, just like before, waiting, until I was done whatever I was doing. I really wanted to say something, every minute, I kept thinking he might leave, I was afraid he'd leave without saying anything. I was tempted, I went to bed earlier than I thought. once I finished, I closed the window i was working on, clicked on his name, I was having second thoughts, but I thought, I'd rather say goodbye than him, I said it so casually that I wanted to slap myself for not telling how I felt, for not clearing things up, but it was too late, I didn't want to go back I've already said goodbye, that to him was meaningless, but to me, full of sorrows.
I could've stayed on, and pretend I wasnt, but it was too painful to stay. So I went to bed. when I got to my room, the first thought that came to me was that I had to listen to some songs. I didn't know what songs I was in the mood for, but as I listened, I found out what. The songs I've been listening to were all reminding me of him. I was a bit happy and a bit annoyed. I went and set my alarm clock which has always been my cellphone since 2 yrs ago. I went back to listening and as the music plays in my ears, words came out from my lips, tear drops fell from my very eyes. I thought, 'Is there anyone I could tell these story without interuptions and just listening to me for once?', tears kept falling from my eyes. Then I started to ask myself, ask God, why come back now? Why now? Now that I have forgotten how I felt about him, or so I thought I have forgotten, but that mere conversation said it all. I havn't forgotten at all, I've only put aside the feelings I had for him, so all the happy ones would cover up every feeling I've had for him. Could my best friend help me get through this? Will she listen? If I tell her would she think I was a fool? I thought these words over and over. I couldnt really say it aloud, since I wasn't the only person in the room, I was sharing it with my sister. As the thought of not having him in my life came and passed through my thoughts over and over, did he really ever loved me as I have loved him? I wished that I could go back to the last time I saw him, and held him tight, as if I knew I'd never see him again, but back then, I wasn't thinking much of the future, I was thinking of the present, I thought we'd be like that longer than I could have ever imagined. Thoughts of him kept swimming into my head like a song that you've last heard before leaving the house in the morning. My thoughts kept changing from Him whom I've loved and my Best friend whom I've cherished. my heart started hurting from these thoughts, it was as if I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk aloud, tears are still flowing through my eyes. and then I thought, what if I die here and now, maybe I'll stop hurting this way, cuz if im dead, I'd have no heart to ache. I kept repeating in a hushed tone, 'God please kill me now, let me die, just so I'd stop hurting', I don't even have any purpose to live for anymore,' this was agonizing, it was torture! I was in big pain, my heart keep aching, I don't know if it was from that sickness I've had or if it was from the feelings I have. I started breathing heavily, back then, I really thought I was going to die, that I wasn't afraid of it, wasn't afraid that if there was hell I'd go to it, wasn't afraid that I wouldnt see anyone I've cared for anymore, I was selfish, I wanted the pain to go away. If u were there, I bet you'd tell me I was being selfish with my feelings, that, 'why didn't I just asked him, maybe he was hurting the same way I did.' But I knew him well enough to think that he wasnt the type of person who'd let his feelings take over him, he'd have done something for it.
As my eyes dried up from tears I cannot cry anymore, I felt sick. Sick of the songs I've been listening to, and then I went to sleep. I was probably dreaming, I hoped I dreamt it all. My phone went off...It was playing that Song, the Song only one person in my phonebook has. I knew I only applied it to one person. I didnt open my eyes, maybe it's a dream, I was listening to the song as if I couldn't recognize it, but when I came back to my senses...my heart leapt, I felt happy, so I opened my eyes and then searched for my phone with my left hand...then I finally realized, as I had looked at the time, I had set my alarm clock with that tone last night, but I had to make sure...it was...just my alarm. then I said out loud 'Dont be a fool!' and thought that It was stupid from the start to think it was him calling, he doesnt have the guts to talk to me on the phone thats why he went online last night. Then I closed my eyes again and wondered aloud, 'maybe if I slept, I wont wake up, then I can dream, dream about him forever.'
drkngelyuri Community Member 
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