I'm afraid this is where I put the bad things that happen in my life. You can read this and respond or not it doesn't really matter I just felt like writing this down somewhere.
I'm not retyping every bad thing that happend to me while I was Cara_Aimi Oku I just wanted to have this up in case I need it. If you want to read everything that happend look here->
http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=14742891&u=9883256About the only update I have is my grandmothers funeral was Mon. I didn't get to go but it supposedly went well.
**edit 12/5**
Well my sis just prove that sometimes I wish I wasn't here or at least not around her. -_- I was working and she and my boss was looking at some donations we'd gottne for Christmas which normally wouldn't have been bad but this was like 7 bags to look through and they left me alone with the kids, which we had about 15-20 of. When she finally came out she saw my pull my youngest neice to me but since she moved as I pulled her, like she normally does, my sis was convinced I snapped her neck. Then she said something about how I can't handle my job or she tried to ask that but made it sound more like a statement and told me to give Natalie, my niece, to her and as I did Natalie moved again but my sis says I shook her and made her scared if not gave her brain damage.
stare She's also on her "Oh I'm so sick" streak again so I should be nicer to her or so she says and do stuff for her that she can't, which makes sense except that if you don't do it fast enough she does it just like she always does.
I think this is why I don't want children or to get married sometimes. While I like the idea of being a mother and wife at the same time most of the married people I know are rather unhappy and/or if I end up being like my sis or mother when I'm married I don't want to be and when my sis does this thing of how horrible I am with children I think I never want to have them just so if I am I won't be. Although I personally would like to adopt too if I'm not good with kids I wouldn't want to do that either, of course if I am bad with kids I want to know why so many like me and why my sis says Autumn, my oldest niece, loves me and I'm her fav person.
***edit 12/5-12/6***
Oh forgot my mom thinks I should go back on pych meds cause with out them I'm this horrible person.
stare Her exact words were "You used to be this sweet girl now you're just this beast." which after what Niki said I really didn't need to hear, I actually cried and my mom just kept yelling about how I was twisting her words and how I'm wrong saying that they didn't help and just got me annoyed at everything super easy but made me keep my mouth shut or made me not care about anything.
cry Of course I don't know how I feel or anything so she must be right so I guess I'll be going to see someone that can make me take drugs I don't want to take. I sometimes hope I OD and die personally then maybe my mom will shut up about it and leave me be. This is definately when my poem "Sorry I'm not perfect" applies. All poems found here
My PoemsSorry I'm not "PERFECT"
Sorry I'm not smart enough for you,
Sorry I'm weaker than you,
Sorry I'm not as wonderful as you are all the time,
Sorry I'm not "a little angel" all the time,
Sorry I'm such a "disappointment",
Sorry I'm not completely obedient to your every whim,
Sorry I don't worship the ground you walk on,
Sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted,
In short SORRY I'M NOT "PERFECT" LIKE YOU!
****EDIT 12/16****
Well I officially want to cut off all comunication with everyone and cry myself to sleep or die.
sad My mom basically accused me of not caring about anyone but myself cause I don't sweep the floor every single day. -_- She also said everytime I say I care I'm lieing or just going through some phase whenever I seem to care. Which of course made me feel terrible then she hits me with the "you WERE such a wonderful girl" thing which made me feel so much better.
cry After that I thought maybe it would be best if I just told all my friends that I wouldn't be coming online again so they would all be happier without me around to bother them or be the horrible person I am, I even had what I'd say planned out when I'd talk to them and even pictured their reactions, all happy to be free of me of course.
crying But believe it or not my little sis nekospookychan actually tried to cheer me up. She said it was good that I didn't do everything they said without question but said I should try and keep my opinions more to myself, since I've actually been speaking my feeling more, like I used to so I didn't end up having these arguments with them. I may have to do that just to get through most of the next few months cause they're doing the whole "new trailer, move out" thing.
stare 02/07/08
I'm sure my friends will probably smack me for this but to sum up how I feel lately is "I'd like to curl up and die." I've been feeling like this for at least 3 days but I'm betting on over a week really and I have no real idea why. Probably just a bunch of bad emotions running around in my brain and of course my mom saying she never wants to see me or my sis again and just to get out of her life probably has something to do with it though I should be used to it by now she says it so often.
04/07/09
Well my mom is still on her you're worthless streak, my sis says I'm warping her children cause I told them I believe in Santa, which I do, and other such normal stuff like I'll be the one giving her kids drugs and alcohol thats making me feel down. My sis is freaking cause her hubby is being laid off but she wants a divorce cause she can't take him not doing anything and being incredibly bad with money she's also worried this one lady at work wants her job but is happy cause she got in a fight with the boss and the boss says she may have to fire her, spooky almost danced after she heard that.
06/07/09
Well my mom is officially losing it she accused me of steal money from here even though she lent me the money, my dad remembered that she lent it to me but not her. So I'm not feeling that great since I'm now considered "dishonest and will never again have my mothers trust" personally I could care less about that trust thing the way she always talks to me I doubt I ever had it.
June 25, 2009
This is such a sad week, first Ed McMahon died yesterday then Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died to day. I liked them.
crying 07/25/09
Jeez people will not let MJ rest in peace. I understand reporting on whats happening with his kids, if they find new music, what happened to cause his death, or if someplace is having a memorial thing for him but other then that just leave him be and quit with the hate already.
Sept. 16, 2009
Is this real? I hope she doesn't mind me posting this but I'm still in shock, one of my best friends younger sister just died. She drowned in her bathtub after having found out she was miscarrying and was bleeding for a few days. She was 20/21, I think, and had 3 kids already.
