Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

What am I going to do?
Now, that I am within reach of something that I've wanted for nearly four and a half years, something I've thought was only a dream, now I am torn. I no longer know exactly what I want.
Of course I love being with M, always have and always will. I love being there for her, I love holding her, I love how caring she is and how hard she tries for everyone.
However the memories with S, are also things that I charish so dearly that my love for her has not yet vanished. I miss being able to hold her, to talk with her like we used to. Of course I am still unable to trust her, however my memories, half of me is screaming to return to her, while another fights stronger still to go to M.
I love them both, but I cannot love them both. I want to return to what was once so natural, so loving, so tender in the rough way.
But I also call out for that darker, more silent soul that charishes me so dearly. Never before had I felt more wanted or needed, but now I feel needed by both, and feel that I want to be with both, I am so lost... Go with what I feel has always been natural, or go with one who is loving but difficult to trust...

So far the battle is I still want/need to return to M, but my memories and missing are persistant. I believe I can do no more, only wait until something is done, either one persists in trying to be with me so much that I feel my right place, or until they both abandon me, the only two women who have my heart.