I feel sad again...
I think I hurt Pepe's feelings last night...
He has...this tendancy to say things to me, to promise things, to offer things...and to say, that he will ensure I'll have these things...and yet, I never get them.
He so conviently "forgets" when he makes such promises...
...and so, I feel hurt, for ever having such faith in him. I know he doesn't purpously do it...I keep hoping in my mind that he isn't...but if he doesn't want to do something, he needs to just come out and tell me before I start hoping. Before I get my faith in him....
I feel withdrawn from him....I dont' feel as close as I used to. I feel like he's slipping right out of my grasp and all I can do is watch him drift away. I guess its my fault...I know it seems I am the one who's pushing away...but that isn't so.
He just...seems so happy, when things such as I do not come into the subject. I'm nothing but trouble for him...you know...
I think about all the time we spent together, and I did nothing but make his life harder. He keeps saying I didn't, but if I were subtracted from the picture things would be just the same...
I don't want to make things harder for him. I want his life to be the same as before...
Now, he isn't online. I told him not to talk to me anymore...
I don't know why I said it...I know he has alot of other girls he can go run and talk to incase I refuse him...
Its like...yet another case, where I feel like I"m just the convienant whore to run to...and I'm so ******** sick of feeling like that.
Wow...
Pepe and Nooj both got online at the same time...how strange....15 seconds earlier, Skilled signed off.
I wonder if I will have to leave VersionX...I don't want to. I cried myself to sleep thinking about having to be away from them all...but there isn't anything else I can really do. I either standby...and let my heart ache because of him...or I leave, and hurt because of him and because I have to leave my family...so I have to decide...which pain is worse? ...which hurts more...
I should just quit RO all together...get a job and try to become social...but I don't want to do that. Yes, I want a job...but irl is so boring...killing monsters on that stupid game is so much more grand than anythign else.
What will happen if I leave them though? Where would I go...what would I do...who would I befriend....I'm a dancer, afterall. A pretty one at that...I'm almost level 70, finding a guild wouldn't be hard at all especially concidering my WOE build...I could charm the people and probably get a leveling buddy and then before I know it I'll be level 80...and then 90...and maybe someday I'll be a gypse. But that isn't what I want....
What do I want...
I want to be with them....I wish he would go away...he hurts so much...this is all his fault...I wouldnt' feel like this if it wasn't for him...why couldn't he of just been a jerk like Sephy was when I confessed to him...no...he had to keep talking to me, and beign kind...and all this other ******** s**t I have to deal with now...I hate him so much...
Its not hate though, huh? I love him...and thats why it hurts. Not intimatly...I don't want to be his girlfriend...but I care alot about him, he makes me feel happy inside and whenever I think of him my heart glows...but he already said he doesn't feel the same for me...I am "special"...and nothing more. The reason I am "special" isnt even something to be happy about...
I hurt, so much...and Ican't seem to stop crying...
All this over a guy...I'm so ******** pathetic.
Nooj asked yesterday if I would be comfortable with him visiting me. Such words I have waited very long for someone to say...he actually wanted to see me. After seein my picture and stuff he still wants to...its surprising. I'm accustomed to the guy saying "You should come here and visit me"...never this, its the first time. That makes me feel happy despite my saddness.
...and he means it. He wants to...he plans to...how strange...he wants to hang out with me, and go to the movies and stuff...how cool...huh? I never thought he'd say somethin like that to me...I always thought...diffrently.
How to approach Pepe with this though? When he goes to see his little girlfriends, I'm not usually told...I don't really want to know though, anyway. It hurts inside that he does such things...but its ok now, huh? Noojie will come hang with me now... whee ....
He got a DUI...so he can't come for a lil while...he got it when he was drivin home with his girlfriend...she was mad 'cause she didnt' want to go to the party he dragged her to and then he got drunk and she wanted to leave so he was stuck driving her...then got pulled over...and now no more Noojie driving. mrgreen
...ha...I fell outta my seat laughing at that...
I have to go...I'm making chili dogs...
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Panda-tastic
My rants, not a life plan.
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