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i'm gonna have a big damn house.
i'm going to have my own pool.
my own crunk room.
everything decorated the way i want it.
& the car that i've always wanted.
shiny, decked out, and everything.

why?
because i'm ******** smart.
and i'm making good grades.
and if busting my a** to the dirt for four years means getting what i want for the FIFTY OR SO YEARS LATER,
then lets do it.

- - - - - - -

yeah? so get this.
right. i don't understand where i stand with you.
you put haley before me.
...on your friendlist.
call it stupid.
because it is.
but as much as i weight it down,
it still gets to me.
that's how it is, man.
i hate to admit it, but that's the truth.
it bothers me.
'cause i thought you told me more than you did with haley.
and just. i don't know.
i think... because we're a trio, you know?
i feel all uncomfortable about it.
because, see,
trios have to be equal.
and that's how it was, back in school.
but now,
if you're closer to her, then... how does that put me?
i'm the third wheel, you know?
that's what it makes me.
that's how i feel.

and that.
is what i meant.

...AND SOMETIMES YOU PUSH ME AWAY.

- - - - - -

'KSO DLS.
MAJOR OPENING UP HERE.

i actually care what people will think about me and amy.
why?
because we've broken up twice.
twice.
and now, we're back together again.

and you know what?
people will look down on that.
like we're stupid teenagers.
and you know,
maybe we are.
but ******** 'em.
me and amy are serious.
we're real.
we're the big deal.
and i know that.
so they can ******** themselves.

but why does that get to me?
that gets to me,
because i still don't like it.
it makes me uncomfortable.
and it makes me feel judged.

probably the only thing i feel judged by.

i love amy.
we've been through smack, but underneath it all,
this girl is right for me.
she IS.
she has my heart.
and i know what i mean when i say that.
yeah, i'm in love with shanice.
and i've fallen a little bit for others.
but amy?
amy, i have real, true, deep love.
sophomore year for me right now,
and i've been with her since eighth grade.
september of 2006.
we've got so much history.

i don't want s**t.
i want people to understand.

just.
hm.

call it naive.
call it infatuation.
call it whatever you want to call this s**t.
i call it love.
and that's what it comes down to.

i guess rachelle broke down.
i'm not in love with them.
not in love with those people.
desiree, tori, steph.
no.

i'm in love with shanice.
i'm in love with amy.

that's it.

but what i do still agree on,
is that i fell for them.
fell a little bit.
no, not completely to be IN love with those girls,
but i fell.
i fell a little bit, a little bit into that abyss of love.
but then time passed. things happened. people came.
and pulled me up from love with them.

so,
dear you three,
i fell for you.
and that's it.

but as for shanice and amy.
that love,
that love stays.
because i gave them a piece of my heart. a piece of my life. myself.
and i stay true to it.
even if i don't have shanice ever again.
even if i don't keep amy.
this... this is everlasting.
that's just what i believe-- real, deep love stays.
it doesn't go.
if that person has your heart, it's kept by them. you don't have a choice to take it back. your heart isn't capable.

yeah.

- - - - - -

what the ******** hell.
if i want to be bound to a girl for the rest of my days,
if i want to be married to a girl,
let me.
because underneath ******** gender, is love, commitment, trust, chemistry.
and if that's there,
if that purity is there and everlasting,
then that's the real ******** deal.
thus the couple DESERVES to be married.
******** this religious extremist s**t.

this is why i'm edgy about being called christian.
i have a relationship with god. i follow the commandments. i follow the real morals.
everything else just.
it's not what i believe.
i believe in god.
that's all.
my faith is what it comes down to.
not all this,
freaking,
"impure sex",
"don't do drugs/alcohol,"
"don't use condemned language."
that list really does go on.

sorry.
that's the way i live my life.
god's still in it.

- - - - - -

if i never had a name, i wouldn't pick "rachelle."
so yeah, i guess i don't like my NAME.
but i like MY name.
because it's mine.
that's my name.
that's the title of me. that's what represents my life and everything i am.
i like me.
therefore, i like my name.

so even if it's not a name i'd pick.
whenever i see it, i go "aw." that's me.
'cause i like me, dls.
rachelle likes rachelle. (:

- - - - -

i love my friends.
i really do.
and you?
i love you, too.
you mean a lot to me.
and if i wanted you to, you'd listen to me vent & s**t.
but. best friend?

no.

lissa, becca... shanice? dorian? joy.
best friends.
those are my best friends.
they just... it's different.

but you guys,
dana, haley. you know.
hell, kylea. i feel like i should have her here.
you guys are my really close friends.
and that's something, too.
because we can party, we can do s**t, we hang 'round after curfew,
we talk. we hang. we connect.
just.
that matters, too.

i've just.
i've come to realize that line between you all.

- - - - - -


man, that coffee tasted like s**t.
but it smelled so irresistible?

i love coffee.
i mean really.
i dig the taste.
i dig the smells.
i dig that contemporary coffee shop feel.

frappacinos. espressos. cappacinos. java.
creams. spikes. shots. iced.

it's all good, man.

i love fanta.
like, holy s**t.
i'm a FRUITFREAK.
i like my alcohol fruity.
i like my cigs fruity.
i like my pancakes fruity?
amy smells fruity. (:
so, i like my girls fruity, too.

- - - -


okay-- another sensitive subject.

shanice.
you know, i don't know for a ******** if this girl is in love with me,
in love with me still,
or in love with me as much as i am for her.

it gets on my mind, yeah.
but, you know.
i really don't care.
because, like i said.
i don't care for mutuality.
'cause i'm in love with her, and i don't get hurt if the other doesn't love me back.

that's just how i am.
it's hard to hurt me.
for cereal.

- - - - - -

ohohoh.
here's a good one.
not many know this, either.

kay, so.
actually, i'm talking to dana right now, eh?
and she's all,
"let's sleepover!plzkthx."

and honestly?
i've only had sleepovers with a girlfriend.
SO I FEEL REALLY AWKWARD.
even when lissa sleeps over.
she's the ONLY friend i've had sleep over.
just friendsfriends.

so, i mean.
i am just like.
dude, where will you sleep?
what do you do?

i bring friends over all the time, yeah.
but sleepovers?
i mean.
gee.
'cause for me, sleepovers are SEXUAL&ROMANTIC.
GIRLFRIEND THING.
that's how my mentality has it registered.
but i know it's common for just friends.
so. hm.
i'm not used to it,
i feel weird by it,
and there.

& i bring lissa over, because she's my best friend.
and she's slept over because she needed to get away from her frustrating family, because she needed a friend to get her mind off of a boy, or something,
so i let her stay at my place.
i mean, that's what best friends do.
that's what i do,
for my best friends.
i'll break the sensitivity to be there for YOU.
i mean.
just, yeah.
she's needed me.
so i'll be there for her.
& not mind it one bit.

- - - - -

lololol.
let me be insecure, dls.
bcause i'm HUMAN.
duhh.

okay, so.
i don't need a crush tag to tell me i'm beautiful.
really.
it's something on the internet.
i mean. :/
because i get laid.
i get chicks.
i get best friends.
and friends.
and people like me. (:
and, i like myself.
people tell me i'm pretty & amazing.
and i believe it.
and i believe it myself.
&IRL.
yep.

WHOO.
i just.
i had to say that.
call it ego, i really don't care.
'cause i'm an insecure ********.

- - - - - -

i don't care if something's not mutual with a friend.
that's not what matters.
but if it is a mutual feeling, then that makes it better.