To prepare yourself, start studying
DaDdY's RuLeS fOr DaTiNg.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend
(or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway
and honk you'd better be delivering
a carton of beer, because you're sure
not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable
for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as
an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be
fair and open minded about this issue, so
I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world
sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us
to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for
my daughter to appear, and more than an hour
goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,
a process than can take longer than painting
the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate
for a date with my daughter: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool, places where there is
darkness, places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where
the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,
a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to
her throat. Movies with strong romantic or
sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that
feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are
okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and
with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little
for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently
tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you
to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you
have brought my daughter home safely and early
then return to your car - there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the
window is mine
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