Dear Kevin,
I never would have imagined things would end this way. But it's the only one I can live with. It sounds horrible, but I was given a few choices. See a therapist about this (and STILL be forced to not talk to you); let people read what we've said in AIM and risk the chance they'd find out one of your secrets, and maybe they'd let me talk to you; or do this. I don't need a therapist. And I don't want to betray you. I'll never let them get a hold on your secrets, no matter the payment. I wouldn't sell them for all the money in the world, because then, you would hate me completely. And I wouldn't be able to live with that.
Before I go, I feel like I need to write this. Writing is good for me. It helps me, since I am not able to speak with such clarity as I can in writing. So here goes.
I will never forget you. I won't ever forget the good times and bad times we had, and all the time I spent with you was precious. It would be a crime to forget; similarly, to an outsider who doesn't understand what we did, it would be a crime to remember. But I'll take my chances and remember you every day. I will think of you when I wake up and say to myself, "I helped him. I helped someone. Someone is alive because I was there." And when I go to bed at night, I will think of my stories and your stories and I will say to myself, "I did a good job. My life had a purpose. I can sleep knowing that I did some good in the world, even if no one else sees it that way." And I will say those things until I die. I will never forget you. I will miss you so much. You have no idea.
Please don't cry for me. I know you're sad. We both are. But we need to stay strong for both of us. If one of us isn't strong, then the other will be in untold amounts of distress. So smile. Try and be happy. I know it will be hard. But we've been through harder things. I don't want to burden you. I want to raise you up as high as you can go.
I love you so much. It makes me glad to know that I mean so much to you that you would put me up there with Brittany. I don't want to lose you. I'm afraid that life without you will be very, very hard. But that's what my writing will help ease. I can always write. My writing knows no boundaries, no limits. I can write about anything I want. And I will write about you, and how much you mean to me. Exactly how to measure that is beyond me, and I don't know if we'll ever figure it out. But we know that my love for you is as great as it is for my own brother. It snowballed and continued to grow. It never stopped. And I don't think it ever will.
In the end, I have nothing bad to say to you. You were such a great influence on me, and I will be so much stronger because of you. I don't have any regrets. Why should I? It was nothing bad. Nothing went wrong, in the end. Even this goodbye is graceful, and the two of us can understand it. We both helped a soul in need. It was a test for both of us. For you, it was a test to see if even after all that heartache, you could still stand. And for me, it was a test to see what lengths I would go to in order to ensure your ability to stand tall and proud. And now that we've both passed, I can't feel more proud. I'm proud of both of us. We both did good. Thank you for everything. I am sincerely grateful. Not a day will go bye when I don't say thank you, or I love you.
I don't want you to die. But now that my job is done, I can step back and say with one hundred percent certainty, that you will never try and commit suicide. You have too much to live for. It would be a very bad decision on your part to kill yourself. I know that even though you can't be with me physically, you will always be with me spiritually, helping me every step of the way. And if I trip and fall, you will be there to pick me back up, and it will be your turn to raise me up. As I listen to the songs in my iPod, I can relate every single one of them to you. Music will never be the same for me. And I will forever have a smile on my face, because I will forever be thinking of you.
Happiness comes naturally for me. I will be happy, at least on the outside. If on the inside I'm screaming for you, aching to talk to you, I won't show it. I will be happy and strong for both of us. I want you to be as happy as you can be. I want you to go to a good college, and graduate at the top of your class, and whatever you decide on doing, whether it's working on computers or working on time travel, I will support you one hundred percent. And I hope that you learn from my mistakes and from your parents' mistakes, and become a great father. I know you will. You may be dark on the outside, but on the inside, your soul shines brighter than mine. I know it's true because I have seen the brightness. I have stood and bathed in the light it gives off, and I have cast a shadow in it. But now, you can shine brighter than ever. You don't have me holding you down, casting a shadow in your shining soul. I will try and shine like you. You are an inspiration to me. You're someone to look up to. Because right now, you are so high up there and standing so tall, you block out the sun. But I don't need the sun's light to survive as long as I have yours. And I know that I always will. And you will always have my light, even if it goes dim at points in time because it's missing you. It will always shine on you.
Kevin, my dear Kevin, I will miss you so much you won't even believe it. But you will never be out of my life. I will write about you. I will post letters to you. I invite you to stalk me and see where I've been and what I'm doing. I can't let you take all the burden. Some of it, if not most of it, is rightfully mine. Please be happy. That's all I want right now, is for you to be happy. I know you can scream at me, "The only way for me to be happy is if you're talking to me!" I could scream that at you, too. But we know that's not true. You can be happy with Brittany. And I can be happy like I was before. It will take a while, but eventually, we'll both be happy. And that will be the best day of my life. Remember this. You are a wonderful, smart, caring, lovable, incredible person. No one can tell you otherwise. If for one minute you doubt that you are special, or that you can't be happy or can't live, come to me, and I will tell you otherwise. You ARE special. You ARE incredible. You are so much. I could use all the positive adjectives in the world, and it wouldn't be enough. I could try and describe how much you mean to me, but I would fail. They don't have a word that describes a quantity large enough.
Goodbye, Kevin. I will miss you so much. I know that I will cry again. That song brought tears to my eyes. It's so beautiful and so true. I'm so glad I helped you. I love you so much. I really do. I love you as a brother, a best friend, and a guardian angel. I won't ever forget you. Thank you for everything you've ever done. Thank you.
Love,
Cherry
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So sue me.
A collection of things I bothered to write down. Read at your own risk.
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I am so sorry to unload on you. My friends would never get it. But maybe you will. Just maybe.