Hey well, its me again. Lifes been going in the right track since that ordeal with josie and Kira. Mel even told me that josie now wants to still be friends. Truthfully im happy to hear that, but... things will never be like they used to...and if anything things will only get more awkward between us. If josie still wants to be friends she should come up right to my face and tell me herself, i have contacts, she can find a way to reach me. She shouldn't force Mel to ask me for her because if she really wanted my friendship again she'd come and tell me herself. Of course we wont ever be friends like we used to, but, i'd like to not have the feeling that whenever i pass by her i'l wonder if she's scowling at me. Not that that chance will comeby anytime soon. I mean, not that im succesfully moved out, and that Josie and Kira are going to St.Hoes...that is...if they're even GOING to school anymore.
Aside from that, im now living only 30mins walk from barrie north in a cozy little house that at first reeked of pot and dogs, but now i have a hardwood floored master bedroom to call my own, and we're comfortably settled in. I've made some great new Friends in the library.
Amanda- Baisically the leader of the little group. She is exreamly lous and words cannot describe how many issues she has. She is a virgin sex addict who tends to be extreamly blunt. The oldest aside from me.
Kat- Seemed quiet at first but once you get to know her she's a riot. Very good sence of humour but tend to be slightly over-dramatic in the violence department. Constantly raving about her dislike of humanity shes still a really good friend and is very loyal and sincere when she needs to be. (Also, she is addicted to water and will constanly ask to go swimming even in the dead of winter during a nowstorm =_=)
Cassie- Shy and slightly immature, can also become very protective and obnoxious depending on her mood. Her blond hair is what best describes her personality. Blonde, could be straight and neat but fools you near the ends where it becomes wavy and wild. She has an obsessioon with foxes and at first she almost killed me because i am a Kurama fangirl. She is a fellow artist and preferres to draw more miniscule scetchy shoujo-type drawings. She is very good with crafts, i must say and her artistic ability has not yet reached its full potential, but with a little work on her self confidence i see her shining like the may stars in the sky.
Becky- Oh where do i start. The baisic term would be 'manga-boy whore', seeing as shes just about claimed every bisshie Manga/anime boy that has ever existed. At least the ones she was able to steal away from Amanda. She's got a great imagination when it comes to romatics and comedy put together, but her grammer dulls that aspect, forcing you to think that a very smart-ish third-grader has written the story for you. She tends to breathe quite heavily in the middle of her sentances, i wonder if this is due to medicinal reasons. Se as well has an amazing sence of humour, and one of her good qualities is that its easy to make her laugh. Hopefully that is not the boundry for her optimism. She als happens to be one of the biggest fans of my art, seeing as she pays me to draw pictures of her and her 'boy-toys'. Hey dont think me greedy, its just to try and make some profit... she has ALOT of boy-toys.
These guys have become my new escape from reality, and i must say i dont regret it. Although im terrified to be with them in public, they are great people to have around when you need someone to talk to. They even took me to Anime North for my first time. I've never had so much fun in my life!! I owe those guys alot, carring my luggage around for around 4 hours before i finnaly found my weekend roomates. Heh, i kinda regret the fact that the first thing i ever said to Shawn face to face was " IM GONNA KILL YOU!!!" but im sure we can both get over the fact. At the time of course i was dating Zach. Unfourtuantly seeing as in how that was probaly a big waste of both of our time. Cant say im mad at him or that i blame him for that matter, I'm a pretty hard person to keep happy, and what can i say... my feelings for him never really died down. But facts aside im sure if things had been different between me and Zach that the weekend wouldn't have gone so well.
While i was completly zoned out during my heatstroke debut, Dan and Shawn were kind enough to take care of me, after Amanda and everyone left. Mind you it was Amanda who found me half-uncontious on the bathroom floor. The two were very kind, and despit Dans sweaty-appearance he was very sweet....aaannnd EXTREAMLY cuddly. although i did have a boyfriend... i really didn't mind. Shawn at the time was dating my sister Karina. I was so jealous. How was it she found such a perfect guy, when she wasn't even looking. I admit, after the first night, while we were out browsing the convention for goodies and fun...those few moments that i got to spend alone with shawn were some of the most warm moment i could remember. Theres no words for how good it felt just to be near him, and to hear him talk, especially with his sweet manners. He was extreamly kind during the time where i was feeling uncomfterble...especially when i found out that Dan smoked... it was like a bullet to the heart for me and i didnèt even want to look him straight in the face after that. But Shawn understood me and he kept me company when Dan was gone. I thought it was also very cute when he would tell me how 'epic' i was or how easy it was to talk to me. Thats when i started to fall for him. I felt like such a horriblt person for having a crush on the guy dating my younger sister. Besides...she's s muc thinner, and prettier and defiantly more sociable than i am, why wouldn't he like her more...but then, a few months after the convention, something i had only dreamed of came true. Shawn had told me that during the convention he had developed feelings for me just as i had for him. Zach and i had broken up by then and hearing that had made me happier than i'd been in years.
At first we'd tried dating in secret. Truth be told i love Dan and i couldn't bear the thought of losing him. But i loved Shawn as well to. I didn't know what i had gotten myself into. Not only that, but there was the matter of Shawn and my sister. I didn't want to have her get hurt because of me. I felt like some sort of monster. So i tried to get Karina to break up with him. Constantly reminding her of thier differences and how Shawn didn't even know who Karina truly was. i was close, but to no avail. Finally i up and told her during an emo fit after my mom had been yelling at us. She didn't seem to hurt at first but i dont know if that was how she truly felt, or if she was just being strong for me. Its so typical of her. One minut she can be so selfish and greedy, then the other minute she'd do anything to make you happy.
Later on Dan had found out and according to Shawn, he took it rather well, i guess he expected it all along. but i never really let go of Dan. For the opposite i think the two of us are closer than we ever were before ^^;;
So then we were in th clear. Me and shawn were free to love eachother as we wished. First thing we did, was make plans to see eachother again. i wanted to spend a weekend up in Niagra, so that we could hang out.. but those plans never reached confermance, so Shawn decided he would spend a weekend up here with me. I even convinced my mom to let him stay at our place. The only thing we needed was for Shawns mom to confirm the trip plans with my mother and things were going to progress... Unfourtuantly the whole issue of communication is at a loss. My mother is never home now. Its been about a few weeks now since we've first started to try and get contact. Shawns got himself a new job...hes hardly ever online anymore... when he is... it like...we have nothing to talk about. What i find sad, is i have much more fun talking to Dan when he's online...
I think i've changed...i dont know who i am anymore and it sickens me... I love Shawn...but...its not like i thought it was. Maybe im not ready for this because sadly im already thinking of breaking up with him... I just dont know anymore...for a while i was on track of everything.. now my life is a mess and i cant do anything to stop the hurting. Like once again my only salvaion is to detach myself from the world and sufferon my own... I originally started this post to tell the story and rant on about why would i want to break up with someone so perfect. But, when i started typing about how we met and fell in love, my mind completly changed... and now, once again im feeling the same way i was lastnight. Like nothing is working for me anymore. I feel like i have nothing... My drawings that at one point i thought i'd improved i now look at as scetchy peices of junk that are useless. Everyone elce i know who can draw is m uch better at it then i am... My whole future was based on my drawings...and now i dont even have that anymore....why am i still here?
