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sometimes we don't know what we want... we could want to be the strongest, or the smartest, the prettiest, the most popular, the gayest, anything but truthfully we only think we want that, at least for most of us... some people only try to be those things to be loved by people and love back but they don't realize til someone special comes in their life...take me for example I act out alot against my parents wishes especially my dad but no one ever looks behind the story... i've never been close tp my dad i think in my heart i want to be daddies little girl like when i was little but over the years from watching my parents in their marriage (now divorced), they would argue and start building up a good loveing relationship but somehow dad would always bring down the love...from watching that i got scared of being daddies little girl cus i thought that he would bring me down to...and then theres school... when i got in the 4th grade thats when we started forming social groups, i was always so quiet i don't think anyone even noticed me there, i used to eat lunch alone and whenever we went out to recess i would usually take a book and read... since then i have progressed to about 3 friends and truthfully two of them kinda bug me cus one of them always ditches me and my other friend to be with a big group of girls who happens to hate me and my best friend, and the other one i'm not quite sure about i just feel kinda weird when i'm with him, but my best friend tessa has been there for me and i trust her with everything but even with a best friend i was still an outsider, i'm always scared of what people think of me and since no one ever was my friend alot well i started to think it was because i was bad at everything, right now i think i'm the most unattractive girl eva, the dumbest, the worst singing voice, and just plainly awful... recently someone very important to me has been welcomed gladly into my life but.. i'm always messing things up and i really don't want to, i even want to live my whole life with this person, but that person has lost his trust in me, mainly because i lie alot... but truthfully i'm just used to it, everynight my parents argued i would sit there watching them crying and occasionally giving my opinion then getting yelled at to shut up, i wouldn't do my homeowrk those nights and i always thought the teachers would say its no excuse if your parents are argueing, so i would come up with a lie to buy time to do my homework the next night but my parents would fight often, and my grades started slipping, eventually i stopped lying about homework to the teacher, i just stopped doing it completely and not careing for about the past 2 years now, but right now because of that one important person in my life i'm starting to change in good ways, my gardes are going up and i actually started likeing my singing a little, but i've had all these other emotions bottled up inside me and in my eyes you need to let old, sad, hard, depressing, feelings go and let in happier, stronger, life helping feelings in, right now i'm in the process of getting my old feelings out in spontaneous bad things and i've been haveing bad dreams for about a week now (that important person in my life only knows of one of my bad dream at the moment) but we all have to think about other things, we're scared to love people, you mainly do bad things in life to get attention, you're trying to fill that empty spot inside you, but attention is not what we want, we want love, to love and be loved...but truthfully we're scared of what people will think of us so we end up trying to not love and when we try to fill that void of no love with attention we just end up being so damn lonely on the inside, we could have many people loveing us but not know it and be the loneliest person on earth... i'm scared to love but its lonely not loveing but at the smae time the way to love is so lonely it hurts, and when we do finally find love and it gets tooken away for even a second, you're heart hurts like hell..... all i want is to love and be loved and be accepted but it hurts so bad at times we stop trying to love people and just stay stuck in the same thing of unlove and loneliness.....and then sometimes we have a loved one and they could pass on and we are left with that grief...the one important person in my life is so special to me and i love him more then me, i'd take a bullet for him and if i could i'd give him the world in a heartbeat...i promised this person that if they ever died i wouldn't try to take my own life...that is a promise i'm not sure i can keep...i don't know what i'd do without this person in my life, because of this person my heart is actually happy most of the time, to imagine that the main cause of our existince could be taken away in a heartbeat and be forever gone hurts it makes me cry to think about it....i kind of am right now... but i don't know about you all but i know all i want.... is to love and be loved forever...
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