Princeton appears, in a graduation cap, holding his diploma.
Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English? What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge have earned me this useless degree. I can't pay the bills yet 'cause I have no skills yet. The world is a big scary place. But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make a difference to the human race.
He runs off as the lights rise on Avenue Q, a homey, dilapidated street in an outer-outer borough of New York City. On one building hangs a sign: "Apartment For Rent."
Kate Monster: Morning, Brian!
Brian: Hi, Kate Monster.
Kate Monster: How's life?
Brian: Disappointing!
Kate Monster: What's the matter?
Brian: The catering company laid me off.
Kate Monster: Oh, I'm sorry!
Brian: Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought... ugh.
Kate Monster: What?
Brian: No, it sounds stupid.
Kate Monster: Aww, come on!
Brian: When I was little I thought I would be...
Kate Monster: What?
Brian: A big comedian on late night T.V. But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see... I'm not.
Kate Monster: Nope!
Brian: Oh well, it sucks to be me.
Kate Monster: Nooo.
Brian: It sucks to be me.
Kate Monster: No!
Brian: It sucks to be broke and unemployed and turning thirty-three. It sucks to be me.
Kate Monster: Oh, you think your life sucks?
Brian: I think so.
Kate Monster: Your problems aren't so bad. I'm kinda pretty and pretty damn smart.
Brian: You are.
Kate Monster: Thanks! I like romantic things like music and art. And as you know I have a gigantic heart. So why don't I have a boyfriend? ********! It sucks to be me!
Brian: Me too!
Kate Monster: It sucks to be me.
Brian: It sucks to be me. It sucks to be Brian...
Kate Monster: And Kate...
Brian: To not have a job!
Kate Monster: To not have a date!
Both: It sucks to be me.
Rod and Nicky enter, arguing.
Brian: Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?
Rod: Ah, certainly.
Kate Monster: Whose life sucks more? Brain's or mine?
Nicky and Rod exchange a look.
Nicky and Rod: Ours!
Rod: We love together.
Nicky: We're close as people can get.
Rod: We've been the best of buddies...
Nicky: Ever since the day we met.
Rod: So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset. Oh, everyday is an aggravation.
Nicky: Come on, that's an exaggeration!
Rod: You leave your clothes out. You put your feet on my chair.
Nicky: Oh yeah? You do such a**l things like ironing your underwear.
Rod: You make that very small apartment we share a hell.
Nicky: So do you, that's why I'm in hell too!
Rod: It sucks to be me!
Nicky: No, it sucks to be me!
Kate Monster: It sucks to be me!
Brian: It sucks to be me!
All: Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be? It sucks to be me!
Christmas Eve: Why you arr so happy?
Nicky: Because our lives suck!
Christmas Eve: Your rives suck? I hearing you correctry? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Tried to work in Koren deri but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees in sociar work! And now I a therapist! But I have no crients! And I have an unemproyed fiancé! And we have rots of birrs to pay! It suck to be me! It suck to be me! I say it sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-suck! It suck to be me!
Princeton enters.
Princeton: Excuse me?
Brian: Hey there.
Princeton: Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.
Christmas Eve: Why you rooking arr the way out here?
Princeton: Well, I started on Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!
Brian: You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.
Princeton: Great, thanks!
Brian: YO, GARY!
Gary Coleman: I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
Gary Coleman appears, dramatically, on the fire escape.
Princeton: Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman!
Gary Coleman: Yes I am! I'm Gary Coleman from TV's "Diff'rent Strokes." I made a lotta money that got stolen from my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes, but I'm here! The superintendent! On Avenue Q!
All: It sucks to be you!
Kate Monster: You win!
All: It sucks to be you!
Brian: I feel better now!
Gary Coleman: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" It gets old.
All: It sucks to be you. On Avenue Q. Sucks to be me. On Avenue Q. Sucks to be you. On Avenue Q. Sucks to be us. But not when we're together. We're together here on Avenue Q. We live on Avenue Q. Our friends do too! 'Til our dreams come true, we live on Avenue Q!
Princeton: This is real life!
All: We live on Avenue Q!
Nicky: You're gonna love it!
All: We live on Avenue Q!
Gary Coleman: Here are your keys!
All: WELCOME TO AVENUE Q!
