I Don't Want Anyone Help Anymore Just leave Me Be.
Do You Know Who I Am?
Because I Don't Either.
Let Me Tell You My Life Story Up Till Now.
Ever since I was little I've been living on everyone label of me. Whether I was quiet or not ,I was what they thought of me. Even if I was a tom boy or not. It was what they thought of me. I was use to it. My mom, dad aunt, uncle, siblings, cousin all label me as someone, to them I was just another person who was always push around giving in. Then it came to a certain extend where I could no longer hold it in. Back then I was once and still kind of an angry person always punching someone or something. I was always the quiet one at school. When I was in grade eight it affected me a lot I would always cry at school, then one day My older sister Anne came up to me and yell at me asking me why I was crying why I was so weak and why I was like none of them ( 6 siblings). That made me cry even more. I thought to myself why was I so different? Why couldn't I be pretty like them? Why was it always me who got made fun of in my family? I remember I was in my room (I spend most of my time there away from everyone when my parents were .....well not here) my sisters call me in to their room and led me to the computer and they had the web cam on and some boy message then and said " HOLY FCUK NEVER MIND" I was a quick reader and saw that before I came in the boy said " all of your sisters are hot just like Anne, Lizzie and Anna. Tell your other sister that she hot and I want to hook up with her"...I guess that may explain why I'm always self conscious. It was the one day that I realize I wasn't like my sisters. That one day when I realize I wasn't pretty. I had a dream that my so call best friend was talking behind my back the next day I found out she was.
Every year since I remember we would move every year I was excited to move. A new start. That's when we move on Ontario. This is now 4 years ago. It was different and I change again I met new people and became loud and more fun to be with. I met Natasha My closest friend but only got close to her a year later when my grandpa past away. It was during the summer when I realize I wasn't exactly straight that's when I met Dawn. It was fun meeting her and to be honest I look forward to talking to her because it was fun. But then I had a feeling something was wrong because her friend ask me what she meant to me and I was honest and said that she was just my close friend. Then that was also when I met Ashley I would talk to her whenever Dawn was on and one day she told me she found something and we needed to talk so I then had proof that she was cheating on me and up to then I never heard from her again. School already started when I was with Dawn and then broke up with her. Ashley told me how Dawn wanted to cheat on me with her but she refuse to. It was then when I found out I started gaining feelings for her every time we talk, But even then I was still close away from the world fearing of getting hurt but everyone angry words. I fear loud noises because I hated getting yell at or hearing people arguing. I was always in my own little bubble hating the world or fearing the world. I let myself get caught off guard when I met Ashley. Slowly and surely I was opening up and at the same time I was doing the same with my friend Natasha. But I was still an angry person and one day I got so mad I punch the wall and made a hole but in result to that I broke my knuckle so now I have a permanent scar on my knuckle that would show up every time I would punch something but the good news is that my knuckle now heals really fast but it easily get pink and purple.
I also have another bad habit that whenever I'm piss of or depress I won't eat or sleep. Many of my friends always ask me why do I punch thing and I would tell them that I didn't want to hurt anyone when I get mad at that person so I would hurt myself just so I could feel satisfied I feel a different pain other then emotional pain.
The me before was always in a enclose space away from everyone where no one could reach me where I couldn't get hurt cause I didn't trust anyone. Angry, depress. Trust issue. Now When I met Ashley I didn't curse as much anymore, didn't hurt myself a lot, and control my temper better. Why you ask? Because I wanted to change for the better for her so we could have a better future together. My present right now is torturing because everyone is always arguing , my dad is not here to control things and everyday to be honest I cry every day the one thing that keeps me sane is leaving me so I don't know what to do. I had have trust issue but I only trust two person in my life and that is Ashley and Natasha. Ashley think I don't trust her but I trust her with my whole life the only reason why I was always reading around was because I was scared someone might be trying to get with her or someone trying to break me and her apart. I would always say something stupid for her to get mad at me and now I don't know how to make her happy so it feels like it my fault. I risk myself telling her everything yesterday and now she wants to leave me.I don't lie to her ever I only say nothing when there is something but I'm now changing that. I hate thinking because when I do I think back to my past and end up crying.
I don't know what going to happen so I most likely will go back to being my usual self.
