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The strum of the acustic hums through the air. Marker scraping against paper, leaving purple residue, as the young girl gently presses onto the lines. The whisper of the vent telling her things of death and love unproved. The clock ticks softly as the girl bobs her leg. Her postion ever changing, hair flipping, nail biting. The wash of saliva down her dried, cracked throat. She sinks deeper into thought-God, blood, death, love all of which pass through her mind. She knows shes a failier in his eyes. Her father. Ever haunting, ever insulting. Twisting her words until he warps her very thought process. Tick. Tick. Hair in her eyes, toes curling, stomach in knots at the very thought of it. Not good enough. Perpetual self loathing. The sting of a razor. So sweet. Ripping flesh from bone. Warm, thick, red, iron filled blood. So comforting. So tempting. Tick. Tick. Eradicate her feelings. The pop of a bottle, five or six tablets. A rush of cool liquid, no pain. Lasting numbness. More! Him, pain causer Joe. Left her for no reason. Deprssion, starvation, barely living. Hours of sorrow. Tears taste delicious. Soft still. Happy that the salty droplets will never abandon her. Crimson color. Barely holding on. Delf damnation. The other. Loved her, jealous beauty. Controlling b*****d wanting to cause her pain. Stupid! Tick. Tick. Wanting those memories to leave. All goes white. A void of helplessness. Unknowing, ever wondering. Tick. Tick. Pressing into the metal opening. Spark of a lighter. Hot burning sensation filling her lungs. PAIN! Ah so sweet! Fully alive. Fully suffering. Everything fades away, loud ringing sound wakers her from her day dream. All these memories. s**t! The tears running against her face. MY face. All while awaiting a friend to call. this has happened once before. a guy choses my friend over me. only this time its not so easy. because this time she wont reject him. open arms says she. and once again i must go through life wondering why i breathe. what is my reason to get up in the morning if i have to see his arm around her. around my best friend. how sick and twisted this world is. it sits back and watches as we squirm and beg for the end. depression caused by procrastination of a temptation not knowing of your destination all you really need is a vacation and you mind some ventelation. your hand by your side with your finger on the trigger. what luck, because we're all going to die someday because thats our way and you never know when all of this is going to go away because you never decided when you were going to say how you really felt to begin with now were you? with translucent flesh and febel bones you slip into a spectrum of darkness. liquified blackness as you wait for the end that comes naturally. sitting on the floor crying as you watch a single drop of blood slide down your wrist. or perhaps in the bathroom ready to swallow enough 409 to finish you off. or maybe you want a less painful way? hmmm..why not over dose on meds hmmm...go to sleep and never wake up. or maybe your like me? tried it all but none worked because you couldnt bring yourself to do it because you knew that once it was said and done you never got your chance to say how you truly felt. so you try to build up the courage to whisper those 3 words into his ear even if he doesnt believe you. but then...you see his eyes, staring at your best friend with desire and you stop yourself from feeling such grief and before you recover from your sight hes already in class and your at your desk. feeling your worthlessness as you stop and think 'what have i done to deserve this?' you tell yourself your nothing and that you will die alone and that no one cares enough to tell you so. you want to tell him that even though only a short period of time has passed you feel a conection with him, you want to tell him how much he means to you and that it will almost kill you to watch him pick her. but your mouth stays shut, in your head your screaming at him to look at you with those eyes filled with desire. no, you want to be there for him. a peice of furniture in his mixed up life. even if he hates you, your going to be there. even if he rips your very soul out and gives it to your friend as a token of perpetual love, you stay. eyes open and mouth shut. and you prepare to stitch your heart back together. patching patches now as blood from your arms dyes the peice of fabric you use to a crimson shade. you wait for him to finally notice your existance. you tell me you love me, that it would take "time" for you to recover. that you wouldnt go looking. now you have her. a new one. and you talk to me about her knowing how inconsiderate that is. telling me how much she is cute and that you and her have a different conection then we did. knowing that i still love you. and you throw it in my face. like a moneky does its own s**t. like you WANT to hurt me. obviously i did the write thing in leaving. i was right when i thought it wasnt going to work out. you talk to me with such hatred. like my father. i hate everything about this life. and now you're becoming part of that. why? why am i turning into this horrid being of darkness and depression. i'm rid of you, your out of my life. why should i care what you do? maybe its because i still love you? i hope for the best for you and your dear rebound girl. i really do, just please take my feelings into consideration like i did with you and shut the ******** up about her. because i couldnt give two s**t less about her. you hurt me and then you think i'm going to talk to you? I loved you!!! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you!!! and then you become this horrid creature of jealousy and obsessivness. and you blame ME for leaving? i know you hate me...and I should hate you....but i cant bring myself to it........you express with pictures drawn and words spoken. but I lack artistic ability and do not wish to burden others. so what does one do when no one will hear her out or listen to her stoic melody? she composes her thoughts and music into her own twisted hybrid poetry. sane insanity, lies that you believe. sweet cancer to dull my pain. loveable hatred and maddness that makes sense. livid thought patterns. twitching itches that cant be sctratched. useless wishes with outcomes that dont match. peace, love, hate, painful feelings, creative truths yet told. what luck! hatred you can vote for. isent that plesant? because you have to pick a side. and utterly loathe any other because thats how we live in the warped world of today, living in fear of not fitting the mold. swirling lies, breaths still to take. the strike of a match, the flick of a wrist. no one knows what to say or do as gastly bastards take your pulse with their finer on the trigger. crimson pressing against the inside of your viens. self loathing. its not enough. your alwasy waiting. second place. next best. never the first. its the another THEN you. Am I not good enough? did you have to love her to see me? i guess i care too much. i want you to be happy. who cared about me? no one apparently. haha because we are all narsasistic bastards...amd I so different? that its you before me?... okay life is pretty much gay! my life spirals downward and then I finally find something worth living for and its being stripped away in like two months. And I hate it! i wish i could do or say something so Schuyler would stay, but there isent anything that comes to mind. so i get to wait around for 5 years and hope he still has feelings for me when he gets back, meanwhile I am not going to have a boy/girl friend for the next 5 years because then I would feel like I was cheating on him...even thought we arent together...and were never together....which also hurts like a b***h. he says he cares about me and then he wont even date me. madness right? yea i know. i mean I understand where hes coming from coz hes leaving soon but it would still make me the happiest girl in the entire world to be his if only for these last two months. and it would give me something to hold on to. well I havent been able to see him outside of school which means that I havent been able to kiss him either....and its been about two weeks and I'm going crazziii!!!! the reason why I dont just kiss him at school is because of one huge reason....we arent even TOGETHER. so it would make a lot of awkward questions come up and I dont feel like having to explain my whole life to people at school. what he doesnt know is that I'm giving him something very precious to me a few days before he leaves. Just a part of me that he can keep with him so he doesnt fully forget about me. even if he comes back married with 2.2 kids and lives in the house with the white picket fence I'll still be his friend. i'll always be here for him smile its tarded I know, coz I dont think I should wait for him but I dont think I could find anyone as great as him. i wonder why I waste my time, and I think back to the time we first met and I never thought that he would be the guy that made my heart jump into my throat with our first hug...aha I remember that day. I saw his face and I said his name and reached my arms out, out of habbit and he hugged me back and my blood ran cold and my heart decided to say hi to my tounge. I was beaming throughout all of second period. aha and our first kiss was funnii. We were playing truth or dare and I picked dare and he dared me to kiss him on the cheek and he turned his head so instead I kissed him on the lips. It was so cute and childish and sweet all at the same time.......thats it I have come to the conclusion that I am going to wait and continue waiting until he returns...if he returns....anywayz I'll just hold onto these memories I've made and hope for the best. if its ment to be then its ment to be and I'll fight for it, but if it isent then there is nothing I can really do now is there? but I guess if I want something in life I have to work for it. its 3am on April 21st. Last night I was told by the guy that I am willing to wait 5 years for that he has a girlfriend. How sweet right? For him to just lead me on and tell me he cares just to shatter my already broken heart. I never cried so hard in my life, I'd undergo 10 of the same medical procedures I had wen I was three (long story but lets just say I had a lot of mecical problems that were followed by a series of very painful tests) in any case all I could do was cry and go through pain medication withdrawls. (yes I used to take like half a bottle of any kind of pain pill I could get my hands on and my withdrawls are extreamly painful cramps and obsessive shaking, I'v been going through them ever sense I stopped like a few months ago but now-a-days its only when I'm really upset) well yea, then I called my dearest friend Bella, and cried with her telling her how much I hated myself and she said I should hate him and his new girlfriend and all I could say is "I dont even know her and I could never hate him" she understood and listened as I screamed and cried and asked why it hurt so much and why I wasnt good enough. Twards the end of the conversation I had enough of the pain I was feeling and decided to get a razor and slice my arm up...well needless to say its the worst I"V ever done, it might not look bad to some of you but it did to me. Well after I got off the phone with Bella my other friend Christina called and I talked/cried to her aswell. She told me that guys have no brains and that if he really cared about me then he wouldnt have done this to me. I guess I can see where she's coming from but I just cant believe I was so blind to this. I mean, I dont even know the girl he is dating, nor has he ever talked about her. It would have been better if he was dating Gabii or Devan because then at least I know who the ******** she is. I feel so used, even though I know he didnt mean to hurt me...I dont know if this will ever fade...I'm going to try and calm myself back down so I can go back to sleep without shaking and crying now okay?.... Girl: Why does this happen?
Women: Because dear child, life is a b***h and then you die.
Girl: Why do I feel so tired?
Women: Because dear child, tears and blood shed take a lot out of a girl.
Girl: Why do I hate myself?
Women: Because dear child, you feel worthless in his eyes
Girl: Why does this hurt so much?
Women: Because dear child, your love is with another.
You avoided me until I came up to you. You barely looked me in the eye. How could I have known that the pain would be this great? Why was I such a fool, for taking your bait?
I feel nothing, my senses grow numb. This emptiness cuts me deeper then my bones. The memories on my arm are the only evidence I'm still living.
I'm fully alive loving you. Fully suffereing knowing she has you. Fully dead, if not for you that causes me to live.
I walk through hallways fading in and out. Like a high filled with depression. Oh, I hope I wake up. My arm throbs and pulses- the only form of life that I can feel.
How could you tell me you cared when you werent even there? I should hate you! I've got the right to!.......but I cant.....
Ice flows, slowly, agonizingly, as it takes me once more. All I can think is how horrid I am. Am I really just that awful that you'd refuse me to be another's?
The blood from my arm covered my hand. And for that split second I couldnt feel. Those few short hours you spent kissing me in my room makes me cry. Because for that time I was yours and now I cant ever have that back.
Now come to find out, your with another. A girl you've never talked about. Apparently she means more to you then I do. So GO, have fun, be happii.
Was this all a game to you? Am I just a toy? A pawn so easily thrown away. Is this your hybrid form of a joke? Was is a joke when you kissed me in my room and replied "I love you too"?
Why am I still crying? Your happii. I said I'd be happi as long as you were happii- with or without me....why did you have to pick without?
I hear certain songs and I shed one more tear. I see you holding me on my bed and I long for an escape. I remember lying in your arms filled with a warmth that now is drained, and long for death to take me.
I dont regret meeting you, or kissing you, or hugging you, or telling you of my perpetual love for you. My only regret is living.
Because it seems that now that you have the girl you wanted, you dont need me any longer. A simple bishop sacraficed for the sake of the game.
Was she there, when your world continued spiraling downward? Did she tell you it would be okay when you started going through slopes? Was she there for you through everything that has happened sense meeting you?
Well I sure as hell was. I was there for you, through every stressful, heart tearing, tear jerking thing. And this is how I get repaid? A valiant knight that faught for your happiness now yesterdays news?
Through thick and think, through tears and joyfilled smiles...I was there. Holding up what seemed to be the world. Keeping all of my suffereing and sorrow inside. For you...
But you never saw that girl who loved everything about you. Who would stay by your side no matter what. Who would throw away 5 years of her life just to be with you. A strong rook thrown out like garbage and trash.
But whats left on the board? The king and his darling queen. But what happens when the queen get captured? What is going to happen in 5 years? Will she wait for you? Well that same pawn that you played, that same bishop who was second best, that knight that faught to see your smile everyday, that rook who held herself together even though she was a walking reck....that same girl who kissed you and told her she loved you. That same girl who you kissed in her room and replied "I love you too", shes going to be there.
Maybe when its me who waits for you, maybe it will take that sorrowful good-bye to make you see I'm a lot more then what meets the eye... Damn I wish this self loathing thing would go away. I keep trying to forget about ever getting that text on 420, I hate the day....damn thats ******** up, a stoner who hates 420....wow. But I cant help it, because twaz that day that made me cry to the point that now my nasal passages are infected. So now I'm sick. Not contageous or anythin and I cant get anyone else sick but it still sucks a**. And to top it off I have to keep my arm covered, because its pretty bad and if a teacher sees I'm busted. So tis retarded. I keep trying to get the fact that he has a girlfriend through my head, but its so........strange. I cant picture it. And then when I finally get a grip of some happiness, I go ahead and remember how happii I was maybe a week ago and I start crying again. I really need to stop crying so ******** much or I'll never get better. And what is uber gay is that I still havent seen him, and now after everything that has happened he seems closed off to me....which kills me....why did this have to happen? But I have been listening to a lot of music lately which is kewl. Mainly Never Shout Never, right now I'm listening to Lovers Love Liers Lie. Its a pretty deep song. I like his music a lot. In fact my favorite song by him right now is Your Biggest Fan *copy paste lyrics*
im a real big, fan of yours
but im quite the joke to you
but girl it wasnt a joke when you kissed me in your room
and replied i love you too
im a little bit insecure from all of these mistreatments
but see im workin it out
but workin it out is so damn hard when your alone
sha da da da da da!
i am running out of words to say to you
wondering why im wastin my time
thinking back and wondering why im such a fool
for loving you
and i get to the point where all i wanted was for us to make up
but its not that easy
cuz girl you move on so quickly
keepin a boy like me at the edge of his seat
and i know everything you do is all about your perfect image
well i hope this song it helps your image
hah
sha da da da da da
im so over you now
i am running out of words to say to you
wondering why im wastin my time
thinking back and wondering why im such a fool
for loving you
and i was the one who thought i was the strong one
you proved me wrong now im singing along to every song
on the radio i dont wanna go
come on baby tell me something i wanna know and i
dont wanna see what is on my mind
cuz its lack of motivation taking over my time
and im sick of trying
(all together now)
i am running out of words to say to you
wondering why im wastin my time
thinking back and wondering why im such a fool
for loving you
anywayz yea can you blame me for loving this song? This exact thing happened to me, its crazzii! This song is great and its the only thing really keeping me going when I'm away from him. At least most of the song is what I'v been going through, lolz coz we werent ever together so I couldnt have wanted for us to make up and he couldnt have moved on. And as far as I know Skii doesnt care about his image....but YEA this is pretty much an update and a record of my still living. lolz I guess.....but yea I still hate life and I wish I could just....fade away without anyone knowing and without pain. Coz I feel like if I were to just vanish he wouldnt miss me so whats the point? Me living is just causeing more stress on him.... *ponders life*
this is pretty much my blog entries for the past week or so, everything that is about a guy I love is about this guy Schuyler, the little epic type thing that makes a chess reference is a hybrid form of a poem I wrote for him, and the rest is self-explanitory if you have any questions dont by shy to comment and answer.....peace
 xXx-Nuala-xXx · Wed Apr 22, 2009 @ 08:49pm · 1 Comments |
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