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OK yeah idk how you do these things but this is MY journal so im sure i can write whatever the hell i want xd
so yeah basically im just doing this to get my life out there express myself and hopefully feel better in the end and who knows maybe this will help others in some odd way?????maybe.

Ok so well it all started monday. I found out my best friend in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD: Adie is really sick and could die.She keeps getting worse and worse and the doctors don't know what's wrong with her. eek I found out in 6th period on monday and i was like screw this! I broke down crying in front of everyone and i didn't care.I like to keep a tough girl persona. No one thinks i even know what upset is any more because all i do is smile. Now if only they knew it was a lie. Maybe my rep among those friends was shattered. I don't care! I could lose the most important person in the world and I can't cry? SCREW THAT! I'll cry as much as i need crying crying crying crying
Obviously i have enough stress to deal with.Then i found out she's even worse.

I am beginning to get sick of this. I can't eat sleep or concentrate on school knowing i could lose her any minute. And no one seems to care about all i"m going through. Everyone just made stupid sarcastic comments about it. I think that may be CROSSING THE LINE! stressed

But if you think a dying bestfriend and insensitive classmates are all i have to deal with...
Damn! I wish!
Yesterday i got home and naturally im in a bad mood. WHo would be happy in a situation like this?
And then my SOB of a stepdad starts harrassing the hell outta me! for no goddamn reason on top of that. He starts call me a fatass motherf***ing b*tch and all that crap. sad I never do anything 2 that b*****d! so anyway then he said i think youre a worthless piece of crap and you'll never get anywhere in life and so i tod him i don't give a f*ck what you think and he got pissed and started yelling at my mom!

So much went on like this for a couple of hours till the drunk passed out and i went outside to talk to my mom who was smoking a cig on our porch. You see she promised me any more of this and she'd kick his a** out. But she promised me that a year ago. I talked to her about it begging her to kick him out and she said I was putting HER in an unfair position!

Was it fair 2 me when five years ago she brought him into my life? when she brought a strange drunk into my home? When she made me do what he says and RESPECT him when he treated me like s**t? When she forced me to live with him even though he's been physically and verbally abusive to me and her? Was it fair that she'd always tell me that it's my fault that they fought? was it fair that i never complained till now?

He's messed up my life so bad and because of the pain and self-hatred my mother has caused me to form i've done things to myself that four years ago i never would have dared to! and so me asking her to tell him to leave is unfair but all that is?