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It's going to be another long night. Today i went over to Andrew's apartment, cooked him dinner. Everything went pretty well, though to tell you the truth my cooking could have been much better. I have become so rusty at cooking for other people that it is pathetic.
Anyway, so i cooked dinner for the three of us (including his roommate Jared), then we sat down to watch Futurama. And then i went home. That's right. I went there, cooked dinner, then trudged back home. And i swear it kills me to leave or to watch him leave. It is like someone stabbing me in the heart. I have become so clingy i don't know what to do with myself.
And i guess i have to explain. Andrew and i met here on Gaia. We dated over the internet for nearly a year- some 2000 miles apart. And then, when i moved here (which wasn't planned.), i still had to keep a distance due to the foster care system here in Utah. It's all really frustrating, and let's face it, i'm not mormon, i don't go to church, and i am two years older than he is. So, we had to keep our space, stick to curfews, be careful with what the public saw. Any little mess up could have made things so much harder for him, and that was the last thing i wanted.
Needless to say, it was extremely trying. And due to not having him around all the time while i adjusted to my new environment, i have somehow managed to develop a complex. It's some sort of Adult Separation Anxiety. Every time i watch him leave (and it could be just to take out the trash) my eyes fill with tears and i want to cry like a kid. It is freaking ridiculous. I am more logical than this. I have gone through far worse. But for some reason i cannot watch him go. I cant even know that he is leaving. If i know ahead of time, it ruins my mood and i just sit there and sulk.
And ive tried thinking my way through it all.
The only thing i can think of is that the move really effected me plus everything else. I was alone. God i was scared out of my mind, and still am half the time. He was my strength then, and still is. And when he leaves, even for a few hours, all that security, all that happiness just poofs out of existence. And i cant stop myself from feeling it.
Anyway- So, I left, sucking it up, not really even allowing myself to feel all anxious or anything. I was patting myself on the back as i got home and started to play a little ZOMG. Then he calls, saying he wants to come over for a little bit. And of course i perk up, because hey, Master is coming home. Im ecstatic. Ah! but the clencher is that he stays for maybe five minutes. Just long enough to grab his things and get my hopes up. lol.
Then he says he is leaving. I spot him in his jacket and my stomach drops and here we go again with the anxiety. And the problem is i would literally do anything to get him to stay. I would get down on my knees and beg if i knew it would do me any good. lol.
Not that i have ever gone that far. I mean, hell, i still have my pride, right? But honestly, the tendency is there. The impulse is there. And that is the worst part. I have always been an independent person. I have been tough. I have worked hard for what is mine and kept it. But not with him. I cant do that to him. It's just awful, because i know that it has got to bother him. He sees me cry. He knows i get anxious. I can't be making it easy on him. And i should be making things better, never worse. I shouldn't add stress to an already heavy load.
So there is my dilemma. And i get to spend another night alone. God knows i can't sleep without him there...