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getting sad about Erik again.. I guess it's expected, since this is the third time he's left.... plus the fact that I'm usualy always sad...... but I think that's because I don't think I deserve him. I know he doesn't try to hurt me but... I never feel like I'm good enough for him, it's like I don't live up to his standards of what he wants me to be. I tried fixing that... but that's what made him leave....
I was cybering with a bunch of guys, trying to get them off of gaia so the didn't get anyone banned.. like what happend to my first account.... but then I though that if I forced myself to do that, then I'd end up hating it in real life.... I never got that far, which is probably good, because thinking about that kinda helped me get though a few hard times with him...... but I know he doesn't like that and he doesn't like me talking about that either..... so I thought that if I changed, then he would be happier, but he took it as cheating...
at least he had a good reason this time.. the first time he said it was because I was always sad.. and he couldn't handle that and me talking about doing "it" with him all the time... which I don't think I did but.... he won't listen to me now... he won't talk to me at all...that's the only reason I'm venting on here instead of talking to him.....but I hope he's okay
I've actually started praying for the first time in my life... I kinda find it ironic that I was in a hospital, almost dying.. and I didn't pray for myself.... I've prayed twice this month.. both times were for Erik. the first time was when he was grounded... I didn't know and the last night that I talked to him.. I had a nightmare that he died...... the second time was recently.. when he stopped talking to me. he shut off his phone every night, because he didn't want to talk to me... but that's expected too... I know I'm a bad person, after this, even though it was a misunderstanding.. I don't think I deserve to live... but I can't do anything to myself... I promised Erik that I would't.. and I don't have the guts to slice my wrist or anything... but if I died soon, by someone else's hands... I wouldn't mind... I already know where I'm going... the exact opposite of where he's going..
yes I know, he's hurt me a whole lot... probably just as much as my mom has but... he's still my hero and I'll always admire him.... he's a nice person.. the first one I've ever met, and even though he doesn't want to be with me anymore... I still love him... I always will, just like I promised him a few months ago... he's the first person I've ever really trusted, and I'll never forget him... he's still the only one I trust... I'd still give my life for him and I still want to do whatever I can to make him happy... I just won't ever get payed back now.... but that's okay... as long as Erik is happy, things will be semi-okay... he will always be the most awsome and amazing person I know....and if this never get's fixed, then I'm going to have to go back to church.... because only god is awsome enough to replace Erik.... John is pretty cool too, but he already has a girl friend and he's been in my closet so... eek no to that....
basicaly, I'm not really attracted to anyone but erik, so finding someone else is going to be really tough, Brandon said he could help, but unless someone else takes me to the homecomming dance there, I'm not going to see him or brittney or anyone else there until I'm 16 and I have a licence.....
I'll have to go to a different scool next year, because I don't have a ride there and back for the whole year, so that's adding to my depression too
mostly it this stuff with erik though.... I'm more connected with him than he knows... when he went on vacation, I had nightmares the whole time... it was the same with when he was grounded... I was going to have my dad bring me to his house so I could see if he was okay... every time he leave I have this weird insomnia that comes... causing me to not be able to sleep until well after midnight, also I can't eat at all... it always makes me feel sick... whever he's upset, I always feel it, somehow... at first I thought that I was just sad all the time but... his saddness transfered to me... even when we weren't going out.... he's always been my closest friend.. ever since his birthday, when I started getting a crush on him too..... and also, when he left the last time.. and this one too.. I got physicaly hurt...
last time, I actualy tried to use pain to make everything go away... maybe because it worked when we had sex... or maybe because I keep hearing people say that it works but.. the scar hasn't gone away yet... and this time.. I got weird marks on me.... one's that I couldn't have made myself... and they won't go away either
but anyways... I gotta go... I hope Erik reads this eventualy
bai......I heart Erik