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hey...i havent ever posted anything here...mainly because i have no idea what to say and i doubt anyone reads anyway. These past couple weeks have felt so...blurred...I dont know...Im such a conceited little p***k...There are so many things going on in the world today and all i can think about is how i dont feel happy...Dont misunderstand...I mean there is nothing wrong with my life...I mean i have a few good friends, a great girlfriend, im taking some classes in the fall to get myself to a place in life that ive wanted to get to since i was young, i have a nice place to live, food to eat, all my needs are met, and alot of my wants and desires are as well...so not being happy makes to sense at all...I cant sleep...I cant stop thinking about nothing...Its so bloody confusing, constantly i drift off into my own mind and i have no idea what it is that im shifting my attention to, if its anything at all. Maybe some people will claim that this is normal, but...nothing about me feels normal and maybe that is just my own messed up narcisism telling me that im different, that im not like everyone else...Ive talked to a few people who are convinced that normal doesnt exist...true, it doesnt, not in the idealistic definition of the word, but in everything there is a normal. There is a standard by which the majority of intelligent beings live, and alot of the time i question whether or not i qualify for that catagory...I mean what makes a creature an intelligent being? the capability for communication? emotional control and comprehension? it has to be more than the base instinct of self preservation...but then...if something like self preservation is a basic instinct in even those creatures and entities considered unintelligent or barbaric, then what does that make those entities who are suicidal? In thought, can anyone truly "be" suicidal? That would require the complete destruction of a basic animal instinct (yes, i know that statement was redundant). Yes, i do believe (and know rather well) that people can experience suicidal tendencies, desires to end the lives they hold, but to have completely "become" suicidal you would have to destroy the most basic instinct that every creature supposedly holds...perhaps...the state of being suicidal is not a choice...perhaps it is a set "defect" of sorts in the mind of a being causing the absence of that instinct of self preservation...or maybe this is just my way of justifying the tendencies in my own mind...as this is what most do when they wish to justify their own actions, especially when those actions completely contradict what they were raised to believe. Homosexuality for example, all those who have this unexplicable desire for validation from their fellow beings constantly justify what they do by claiming it "is not a choice" or that they were "born that way" ...but who is to say? Who am i to claim to comprehend the unexplicable variences of the mind that we call human? In all honesty i cant even tell if i am what can be clearly defined as human...are any of these degenerative beings capable of being called human? words and definitions derived from this word, humane, humanity, all of them are believed to have some connection to civilization, or sophistication, but are any of us really civil? any of us really sophisticated? We war and murder and kill and rape and destroy just like every other animal in this world...hell, we might be worse than any other animal, we claim to be so upright, so "evolved" when we just like to think that we are better to satiate our own conceited impulses.

"your heart is carved in stone, and apathy flows in your veins, when flesh falls from the bone, you've taken all you can take"


It is currently 12:53pm and i have no idea why or what i am writing. I am simply allowing myself to take off and hit whatever keys happen to land under my fingertips. Do not try to make sense of any of this as i strongly believe that it doesnt. If you wish to comprehend my thoughts, then first you must be based strongly in your own, for the mind of these so-called humans are easily influenced, which explains the popularity of all those annoying commercials "live above the influence" if there was not an influence or if we beings could discipline ourselves to move past the desire for social validations then these influences wouldnt exist and warnings to "live above" them would be unnecessary.

"Dont believe in anyone, curse the day that you were born, cant deny the enemy's taking over"

Why do we convince ourselves that we matter? Why does every person seem to think that he or she can actually make a difference? Why does everyone feel that they have a purpose when in reality no purposes can be deciphered by the feeble so-called intelligence we cling to so desperately. We are nothing, we are worthless, we are scum. Perhaps, in a way, that makes me normal. Because whether it is an accepted fact or not, this depravity runs deep within the minds of humankind, and the only difference between me and others is that i have acknowledged this sickening being trapped within by rules and regulations of society, and i have fed him, and he has thrived within me. All that i am is all that i cannot be, and all that i am not is all that i am. A walking contradiction. A standing farce. A cosmic anomaly...and yet i live on...


Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp;
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
—Dorothy Parker; "Resume," 1926

This returns me to the beginning of my thoughts, am i truly that different? am i truly this epic altering to that which is so undeniably unhuman. or am i just some conceited little p***k who cant think of anyone but himself, and because of that, he cant be happy, so he continues to think only of his own unhappiness and slowly spirals down into a swirling mass of self-hatred and violence...who am i to know?