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I feel so depressed now...

Whenever I feel depressed its a feeling unlike anything else I have ever felt. Its not like when I get mad, being mad has diffrent phases but depressed is so hard to manage...

I made myself a homemade salad and drenched it in dressing. Thats so bad to do...but I just don't care for myself anymore...no one else seems to so why the hell should I?

...today has been bad ever since I went to my first class. I'm so sick of being surrounded by ignorant idiots, its so hard to handle...

I'm playing Ragnarok right now, but my happy zeal for it is slowly dieing down as well...nothing thrills me anymore, I guess it may be the absense of sex from my life; but who really knows for sure? Or cares, for that matter...

My mom's boyfriend ranted to me and my brother about how we need to do our chores and make sure the younger ones do theirs as well. I didn't care much for the conversation, I blew them off and made my salad. I hate being so rude, but deep down they could die for all the ******** I care. All the times I told my mom in the past that everyone needs to have chores and do them and she doesn't start to enforce the rule until she gets a ******** boyfriend.

I'm so sick of these sorts of women. The one's that never do for themselves but as soon as a man comes into their lives they do a 360spin. I don't care much for the women who are like that, but my moms reasons are somewhat okay. She had a bad childhood of running from group home to group home which is linked back to her childhood of being raped and molested, which makes me happy it only happened to me a few times verses her many uncountable times...

In the end though, I do not forgive her behavior. She decided to have us five kids with her low income, laziness, inability to hold a successful job, and ill education. She was a bright young women once and she threw it all away at the 'thrill' of having a man. My mom's nothing but a whore who needs a man around her because she just can't get enough d**k. She never stops her crude behavior and I am tiered of my sisters and I always being around it; but last time I tried to call CS I was given a cozy death threat and kicked out of the house.

I'm so sick of being nice to people...

I have an F in Algebra 2 for my interm report somehow, my teacher says I don't turn in my assignments. I have a C on my report card for Chemistry, the teacher complains of the same thing. Its strange how in both classes, none of the students have turned in those same papers I am missing; yet I am to blame. My Algebra teacher is a kind old southern women whom I respect very much, she told me just to be more cautious and pay attention to when assignments are due. I will try harder, maybe the class was just having a fluke or something of that sort. My chemistry teacher, on the other hand, is a women I cannot stand. I hate her with every atom of my existance, and I have had many teachers, but this is the first time I have ever hated one. Perhaps dislike, disapprove of...but never hate. She is a forgien woman, a native of India, pretty lean except for her lower abdoment which pokes timidly out as if she were pregnant, which she is not. Her teaching methods are not helpful to me at all, I do not understand the lessons sometimes and when I ask for help she never helps me. She cannot control her class and is always yelling at the people who are not at fault for the disruption. There is this one really smart kid in our school whom I share the class with, and she acts as if he can do no wrong and everytime I turn around she is preaching about how great he is. Today, I was helping the student next to me with the assignment and she yelled at me and said 'See, this is why you not get A in my class. You not pay attention, always talking, see why you do badly in my class?!' I was shocked, a teacher has never spoken to me in such a tone before, I am a quiet, well mannered student in class and I never disrupt. Dispite the various other conversations going on in class, she singled out me, and embarassed me infront of everyone. My feelings were hurt so much, I never talk in class and I was only helping a fellow student since she was to busy trying to correct someone else. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I recieve such treatment. But the smart kid in class who sits right behind me was carrying on a conversation while doing work for another class and not a word was said to him.

I used to want to be a scientist, I used to dream of becoming an Atrophysist and helping people to learn about what our world is made of and how we came to be how we are today. But not anymore...I will just stick to writing since that is the only thing I am good at. cry

I felt so happy today. Everytime something bad happened, I just kept telling myself "It's not all that bad, just hold your head high and get through the day with your sanity still in place. Its a short week, you can do this!" but now...now I just wish I would die.

I actually feel like I want to kill myself. I would be better off dead, I'm not happy and I can't do anything right. What reason is there to live? I've felt tears well in my eyes so many times today...I just want all the pain to go away. cry I feel like I did before...when Greg said he hated me and he wished I would leave him the ******** alone so he would have to deal with my crybaby a** anymore...he said it just like that...I felt my world crash around me and shatter into thousands of tiny peices which could never be pasted back together...I mean, I'm actually sitting here with a ******** blade on my bed, looking over at it every few seconds and contemplating a decision...

I got the good blade too, no dull a** kitchen knives. A box cutting blade that I found in the closet. I should have thrown it out in the dumpster when I first found it...but I was just to lazy to and let it lay there and now...well...

::sigh::

I talked to Greg yesterday on the phone. It was a nice conversation, just catching up and stuff. He lives with his Grandmother now since he can't make it on his own. I think he and I will be roomates when I turn 18 and move out, since no one else wants to be and I can't do this on my own. I want anyone else in the world but him to be my roomate, but I don't really have a choice. It was a lame conversation, casual chat and me using my 'ghetto talk' with him, between us it used to be just a joke, but he seems to of adopted it as a new langauge. He's changed so much since I first met him, I think he only still talks to me 'cause he took my viginity and he feels some sort of bond to me. Atleast thats what he always told me, and since were still talking I will assume thats why. I don't know why I ever chose him as my first, I guess I was just to horny for my own damn good. I wanted to know and experiance things, allowing my curiosity to take hold of me. I feel like such a fool now...

I feel so sorry for myself for another reason too. My mind has been constanly on someone recently who I can't stop thinking of. I don't know why, I just can't explain it...but every other thought I have is of him. Its so depressing to me, to feel so strongly about someone so far away. I really do love this guy though, and everytime I think of it I just feel more and more love. I think I am inlove, but I keep dismissing the thought as just me being silly. How can one seriously be inlove with a person they have never met? I love many people (or rather, the personalities they display) I know on the net just as I love my friends near to me. But for me to sit here and seriously feel like I am falling in love with someone in this situation is alien to me. I haven't conclusivly identified this feeling I have for this person, but I know it hurts like hell when I can't talk to him. It hurts so much when I can't talk to him as much as I want to. It hurts so much that I can't see him everyday and be near him. I want to literally cry when I think about it, 'cause I just want to...I want to be around him all the time. I want to know what its like to hug him, and be playful around him. I want to know whats its like to kiss him and hug him and so much more...I feel like such a bad person.

I always want something I can never have...