ICONS:
Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"
You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)
Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic
What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays
Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get
What Does Your Candy Heart Say?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourcandyheartsayquiz/
Rudolph the redneck reindeer
Had a very southern drawl
And if you tried to listen
You would not catch much at all
All of the other reindeer
Used to see Rudolph and run
Since they all knew that Rudolph
Loved to use his rifle gun
Then one day when hunting, the
Sheriff came to say
Rudolph with your killing spree
I think you should come with me
Later the judge said something
That made Rudolph start to spazz
Rudolph the Redneck Reindeer
You'll go down to Alcatraz
Rudolph the redneck reindeer
smoked lucky stripes and dipped snuff
and when it come to liquor
he couldn't ever get enough
He carried a sawed-off shotgun
and always slicked back his fur.
All of the other reindeers
all the time called him sir.
Well he lived in a double wide trailer
about a mile from Santy's house.
and each and every Christmas
Rudolph would always get saused. (drunk)
Then walk down to the stable
where the other reindeers would be.
where he'd cuss and spit tobacco juice
and punch out two or three.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santy came down to Rudolph's trailer
where Rudolph was lyin' in the bed tryin to get over last night's
drunk. Then Santy Claus saw Rudolph's bed covered with liquor
bottles, tobacco juice all over em, and cigarette butts all over the
floor there. And he got real mad. And he said to rudolph "You'd
better get on the dadgum wagon and pull my sled tonight boy!".
Now Rudolph didn't like this kind of loud talks early in the mornin
ya know. So he reached over there and spit tobacco juice in the left
eye of Santy Claus. Then took a liquor bottle and busted it over the
bed and said "Get the hell outta here ya dadgum fat hippie!". Well,
see Santy Claus didn't like that at all. I mean Rudolph commin at em
with a bottle and all, ya know. Well see Santy Claus has been takin
Kung Fu lessons from this Chinese elf all summer long while he didn't
have nothin to do. So he takes his right hand there and slams it
into Rudolph's ol face there. Just knocks him flat on the floor.
Welll, Rudolph the redneck reindeer
had a very bloody nose.
And if you ever saw it
you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeers
now laugh and throw back their heads
cause Rudolph the redneck reindeer
that's how your nose got red
TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR NEIGHBORS WANT TO MOVE
1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants,while watering the bad ones.
3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically.
5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say , "looks like they're on the move again."
7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.
9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
Why not to mess with children
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
____________________________________________________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am stand ing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
____________________________________________________________________
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
____________________________________________________________________
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Community Member