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I know how to be quiet but I'm scared. It means internalizing all of my emotions and I'm a very expressive kind of person. I tend to be rather manic as it is...

If I internalize, it means I am going to be expressing my emotions in thoughts and persons in my head... this of course reminds me of all the people I have had in there before. I'm half serious when I say that the girls could easily come back if the silence lasts too long. I doubt they would be themselves. Since I have changed, the people are more than likely to be new creations as well...

Whatever the case, I know that I am going to be spending more time in art over the next year... of silence. It's going to be like the cliche who sits in a corner drawing. CREEEPY. XD T.T Ugh, I can't even cheer myself up. ********....

T.T I keep trying to logic it out and it doesn't make sense to me how I could wake her up. I don't know if you've noticed but if I don't understand something, it eats me up. It consumes my thoughts and I can think of almost nothing else but that conundrum

At least I've cried a bit of it out...the next worst part is forcing myself to eat again. Telling myself that it's okay to be out there and eat is my next little adventure to getting out of this depressive state. I know how to handle these ******** slumps so it's not like I need help. I've had these things for so long that I get used to the ups and downs and know how to fix them or push them longer. The problem is, half the time I feel like I should suffer so I prolong the state and then it becomes a situation in school where I am digging myself into a hole. Haha. Now that I can laugh at. Frumplemister.

It probably doesn't help that I keep listening to Say Anything... whoops. C: Maybe I'll try to reinvent myself or something to occupy my mind with something more cheerful and less "******** my life" ish. Haha!

You know that guy I liked? Yea.... I gave up on that. I'm good with just being friends or just having someone to talk to that has the same interests. He feels so far away, like he belongs in a different world than me. He goes to concerts and basically saves up just for that all year and I have never been to a concert. I could never be into music that much.... I know it. Sure, I would love to go to concerts and everything but I live by art and my electronics ( video games and my computer). I would rather have a nerd who I get to watch play video games half the day or watch really weird movies with. He would try my video games and two minutes into it, throw the controller halfway across the room screaming "******** IT" CX That's a video game nerd! I dunno about the volleyball aspect since I mean, most people who play the sport are "normal" meaning that they are the party type and socialites. Most volleyball people I have met are the kind that don't like anime, play minimal video games, listen to rap, love clubbing and its music, have large groups of friends, and don't understand most computer chatsie language. T.T

Wow, journaling all this out really does help. It's like spitting out all the venom inside of me so that what's left is the hollow remains of a spider who can spin a clean web.