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I wasnt too excited about today. It was the one month anniversary of Trevor dumping me. However, I looked at it as a normal day, perhaps at the fact that I was so close to having gone a month without crying over him as somewhat of an achievement. Like I deserved a pat on the back, maybe. I dunno. I thought maybe the worst was over, I was finally able to move on, I was going to be okay.
Nope. I started out the day pumped for the water polo game. In Econ, I decided that because I haven't been able to ship Trevs sweatshirt to my cousin to give to him for me, I have my liscence, and my mom is getting a car, I'll just drop it off at his house directly while I'm up there over presidents weekend. If he isn't home I'll leave it with a family member. If nobody is there, I'll just have to leave it with either my cousin or her boyfriend. I just plan on saying "I don't feel right keeping it, so here it is" and leaving unless they (being his family or himself) decide they want to talk to me more.
Then I thought of a million different ways it could go with whoever answered the door, including the object of my misery and affections.
Later during the day, as I explained my new game plan to a friend while walking home, I wondered if maybe Trevor had been pursuaded to break up with me by one of his friends who doesn't like me much (and the feeling is mutual) because while that is denial at it's worst, it is plausible. Trevor isn't too bright.
I got all upset while I told her how much I pitied him, because he couldn't handle seeing me only twice in 3 months, and I wondered how on earth he would maintain a relationship with a girl while in the NAVY. Especially given the girls in the area where he lives. She will cheat on him, or she won't find him worth her time. I was trying to prove the point that I was fine without him and that I do not desire him back, but my logic had no sense.
By the time I was home, I was close to tears, but proud of myself for still not having cried over him. Clearly I won the battle.
Walking to the game I remembered when he said I was "worth it" in regards to taking a train down here just to pay for me to take the train back to Paso, and yet a month ago he clearly showed me I'm not.
I no longer felt like playing water polo, and we lost the game. Add that to my list of upsets today and by the time I got home I felt like bawling. In fact, I almost did because we had no chocolate in the house, only hot cocoa, and that is not the same thing.
Now, as I crawled into bed and checked Gaia and Facebook for the last time before lights out, NAVY jumps out at me, and I do end up breaking down. I was looking forward to being there for him while he was in the military. Me, the girl who always said, always, that I would never, could never, date a military man. That I would rather break up than deal with that, was excited to be Trevors main support, the girl he could come home to after long deployments. All my memories of us came flooding back into my head. All my hopes for the future I repressed so they wouldn't hurt if he wasn't there. And thoughts of me with someone else.
Those scared me. As much as I want to move on and find someone new, the thought of me with someone else is so scary I felt sick to my stomach. I'm afraid that despite knowing it is wrong, I'll compare them to Trevor. I won't care for them the same way I did for Trevor, our chemistry won't be as strong, the new guy won't ever claim I'm worth it, like Trevor made me believe. They won't care for me the way I thought Trevor did.
I hate this. I have to get up early for morning practice, but I'm here writing this instead of sleeping, hoping that getting this off my chest will let me sleep instead of cry. Please, God, if you are there, help me hurt less, so I may sleep and move on. Please.
 I_The_Prokaryote · Fri Feb 04, 2011 @ 08:06am · 0 Comments |
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