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So I can talk about death like it's nothing, but if I think how it will hurt everyone else I get heart broken. I can think this and that, but the fact is life is life... I can dream and work my a** off for others, but I do all this for others... Does that make me horrible?? I live for a select ew so they can live... I know my life is NOT so bad... but it gets harder and harder. No money, my love far out of my reach, downer family, doubts, temptations, feelings I try to get rid of, and to top that I am getting more and more depressed. It is getting harder to pull myself out of the mud and I can't expect anyone to pull me out... Their too busy with their lives or way to far.... Uuugh.. I need to just dissapear. Wonder how many people will actually look for me..... Exception of Tawnie, Nahalen, and my gf. I wonder how many would actually come looking? How many will worry... Would they stop looking?? Uuugh these what if's won't help because I wouldn't know.... Le sigh....... I need to buy an auto hugger. Haahaa for when you need a hug. Hmmm yea.. But really how many people care? How many will say "Your just trippin susy" Or "Omg I am so sorry.." No I don't want none of that... I want someone to see I am hurting and hug me. Don't ask if I'm ok or am I going to be ok. I am ALWAYS gonna be ok. It is me. I stay happy for others and know my own pain. Because I don't want to explain myself. I shouldn't have to.... Oh well it's human nature. No one will ever know....