|
Happiness and Books
Drugs don't solve anything. I don't have anything against druggies or anything, but they don't solve anything. All they do is make you miserable if you are stupid about it. And no, I don't take drugs. That would kind of ruin my life. I hate going home, where my parents make me feel suicidal, and I hate my current life. I'm tired all the time and I'm starting to lose interest in my hobbies. I always have to study. But it's not good enough, apparently. I thought about killing myself that other time, but in the very end I couldn't bring myself to do it. My parents don't care that I am sad, they do not believe me when I say that I am not happy. If anything they are almost trying to make me feel guilty about not feeling happy.
They believe I'm too weak to kill myself... it's almost as if they are provoking me. I don't have anybody to turn to. I thought I could trust in my best friend, but she is suddenly starting to act bitter towards me for those shallow reasons I wrote about in my last journal entry. I'm trying to convince myself that this is just a phase, and to not take myself too seriously. If I just get through this year, I'll feel happier next year. I'll feel happy! I'll really feel happy. That's what I keep on trying to tell myself. Just focus on your schoolwork. Focus on your sleep. Focus on that advertisement. Read joke books. Then sleep. And then draw. And then study... and then sleep. There will be something to live for, even if there is nothing right now. Everything will change in the morning.
The only place where I can really be honest with myself is in my journal, both my online and offline one.
Everybody's body acts differently when we are sleepy. For some people, their period gets extended... or skipped. Some people lose appetite. And as for me, I'm starting to hear random sounds at night. I want to fall asleep. But I can't fall asleep now. So I'll just have to distract myself with food. And listen to music... And read... I want to read. I haven't been able to set aside time for it.
|
