Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I feel like this will be one of those rants that will cover several topics but all of the will be connected in one way or form. I just a flow of unhappy thoughts through my head tonight and I just want to get them all out, perhaps I will feel better once everything is out somewhere...even if no one else will see it.

As we all know, growing up in any society there are standards of beauty. Some standards consist of piercings, curves, long necks, fair skin...however American standards are so cruel in comparison to all of those, especially in California, where I am from.

I go to school in Georgia, there I don't even understand what the standard of beauty is. Grils who are overweight, too tall, ugly as hell have boyfriends have people that love them and care for them. Those boys accept everything that they are and everything that they are not. Boys in California are not like that at all. All these boys care about are looks and sex, such superficiality...Which leads my to the Californian standard of beauty. Girls in Cali are expected to be stick thin, wear leggings all the time, wear frumpy clothing, to basically look like walking skeletons.

I am 4ft 11.5 inches. I am 160lbs. As you can tell by now, not only am I overweight, but I also just dont fit in this society. Everywhere I go in Cali, I can tell that I am being judge for my weight in just one glance from a girl walking down the street who is proclaimed to be "beautiful." Not only that, I also receive constant criticism from all of my family members mother, father, and sister, as to how overweight I am and how I need to exercise every day. I understand that they just worry about me for healthy issues and such since it runs in the family but really..there is definitely a limit to how much they can stab me in the heart over and over again. In seventh and eighth grade, I ran 3 miles everyday. THREE WHOLE ******** MILES because they made me, because they thought it would help the weight go away. Well...guess what? Even after so much work and hard effort back then I still didn't loose the weight, so why the hell do they think if I started to exercise now that anything would change...IT WON'T. I tried at a time where it is easiest for a person to loose weight and it failed. At this stage in my life, nothing will ******** change..nothing at all.

I have had enough of being constantly squished into this mold of fake beauty. I know that I dont fit, so why are the people who are supposed to love me what to pound me into that mold so badly? I always try so hard to make my family happy, to make them proud of me, but all they ever see in me is my failure. My failure to be beautiful, my failure in love. Or perhaps that is all I see in myself.

Lately, I have been thinking to myself, "God has given me everything: family, friends, great character/personality, money, happiness, but the one thing he forgot is love." I am 18 years old and I have never been kissed, I have never shared my heart with any boy no matter how much I want it, no matter how hard I try because no guy has ever looked at me in a romantic way. All they see is how fat I am. Deep down inside I know that is all they see...they don't care how great of a person I am, how much I care for other people. I KNOW I would be the best girlfriend in the world, I will always put him before myself in everything...but no one will ever give me the damn chance to even show how wonderful I am...because all they see is how fat I am.

Another sub-rant: Indian boys from America only want white girls. All other boys in America only want east Asian girls or white girls. Indian boys from India was really indian girls...so I literally don't fit into this spectrum at all. WHY THE HELL CANT I FIT IN ANYWHERE?!

I think I am destined to be forever alone. But you know what...I cant even say any of this out loud to anyone. I cant talk to my mother because she will just tell me not to think like that and tell me that I am beautiful and all this other crap because she is my mother and it is her job to. I cant talk to my friends about this problem because they will think that I whine about pointless things too much and that I shouldn't care..they say that I shouldn't go looking for love. WELL GUESS WHAT! I keep looking for love because there is this unquenchable loneliness inside of me and it is literally eating away at me from the inside. This loneliness hurts so so much...words cant even describe how i feel.

I always give my all in life, school, relationships, love. But no matter how much effort I put into people, grades...I always end up failing, being used, being unappreciated, being unloved. Sometimes I wonder why God had to make me this way. Why He had to give me such a big big heart when no one will love me back. I think I deserve more than this...

All throughout my life, I have had girls strive to be me, my friends, my sister...but they don't know how unhappy I am deep down inside. They don't know that what I want most in my life is something that they already have...recognition and acceptance from boys, from society. My biggest fear is loneliness and I have to face that everyday...I have to face my ugliness everyday...

I think I have done enough crying for now, I think I will preoccupy myself with some zOMG before I shutdown my laptop and cry myself to sleep once again.