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------Sorry for the clickbaity title. I had given up on myself for about 7 years. I had begun a quest to search for purpose. An existential quest at its best and, only till this year had I found it. Funny story actually, my friend Kevin and I were watching some clips of an old cartoon called Justice League Unlimited back in early March. We both shared an interest in D.C comics, though he's more of a fan compared to me with his comic book collection and shrine filled with figurines. It's This clip to be precise. I won't write out the whole summary of the clip so go watch it for yourself. Needless to say I started crying. It was a weird cry though. It was a partly tears of joy due to the fact that I finally found the answer. It was partly tears of shame due to the fact that I'd found my answer in an old obscure episode of some archaic cartoon. It was tears of lament and regret that I had let myself withered into stagnation by the flow of time.

------I really don't know how to explain my previous sentence. But if you don't know yet. I sorta dropped out of college. Sorta because I'm planning to go back this fall, but for at least a year I left due to the fact that I wasn't enjoying what I was doing. For the first time in my life in that one year, I felt dead. Dead in a way that I was stagnant. I was just trying to survive the days there were no goals nor gears in motion that were turning that pushed me. There was no growth only complacency. And perhaps if you had known me years ago you'd know I was a fully blown nihilist. I was enticed by nihilism in my own stylized way. That RNG or the universe came to existence due to chance, and every action I took did not matter. I did not care had a car hit me while I was biking. I did not care about overdosing in sleeping pills due to the stresses of class and heartbreak.

------But there is a newfound part of me that's combating my nihilism. It is a hard internal struggle that crushes my heart as of this moment even talking about it. It's hard to get out of mindset that I've been in for seven years. And In a way I guess this entry is a plea for help. I ask of you to understand me and tell me that I'll be okay. And If you're stuck in this existential crisis yourself, you're not alone. We'll make it out together. I guess I'll end it with a lyric from one of my favorite songs:



Thanks for reading, This is Anikacy, and you're not alone.