<center> I am the Saddness
</center>
This maybe my last entry. I'm not sure, exactly. I am ready to be reborn again, honestly I am.
By reborn, I mean quitting every account I have up to date. Making myself anew on the net, and forgetting all I have come to know and all of whom I have come to know. People on the net are very stressful to me. I have cared to much, and they have moved on. It is time I do as well, yet...my moving on is always much more drastic than theirs.
I would like to just be forgotten...I am so sick of people. I am sick of trying. I am sick of caring. What is the point?
I'm a bit of a smartass today. I hate myself very much right now. I'm just starring into nothing again, I have that feeling of being worthless...I have that feeling I don't matter...
I am ready to be meshed into the adult world. I am ready to lose myself in the choas they have created when they were inmind of order. I am ready to go on life without a purpous.
That's the problem. I don't think I have a purpous.
My chemistry teacher has crushed every dream I had of ever becomming any kind of scientist. She has failed me on all my tests. Her teaching method's bore me and the rest of the class. She brags about the 'A' students (no one has an A, but some people have high 'C's). Her class is impossible to pass. She told me it was my fault. I dont' pay attention, I don't follow along, I talk out of turn and such. It is not my fault. I want so much to believe the teacher is right, but this corrupted alien isn't. This woman from India holds herself so high, and she is not as great as she likes to think. I wish she would get fired.
I hurt very much right now, but I don't understand why. I feel the need to cry so much and just scream out to no one listning. But why? Why do I feel such a need? I feel like I am being ruthlessly slaughtered inside.
Kevin, I hope you read this because I don't have the strenth yet to tell you. I don't want to be your 'net girlfriend' anymore. I really don't. I don't know why the hell I ever got involved with you, to be honest. We should have be friends longer, we should be friends now. I really mean it. I mean...your behavior scares me and makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time. Sometimes your all cuddly and other times your freaking me the hell out. I'm not happy. Its not you, don't think it is. Your...the best, I guess. But like I said to you yesterday, I realized stuff about net love and last night when we were on YIM I wasn't being 100% truthful. I do love you in a way, but you make me so uncomfortabel I just am not. You deserve better than me, and if thats not enough for you then lets just be friends for a while and try a relationship once we are closer. I don't think we have anything in common, and most of our conversations are just saying how much we 'love' eachother. I won't be talking to you on the phone anymore, sorry. Thats so ******** cruel of me and I'm beating myself over it. Please forgive me, but for both of our sakes this is the best.
To be honest, I just want to be left alone. Like before, I didn't do this net relationship s**t. Its stupid to me. I mean...it just, doesn't comfort me like it used to. I'm making real friends in the real world, I'm learning real things with real people, and that makes me happy.
Reflecting on the past relationships I have had...I just...don't want to be bothered. Nor bother anyone else. I don't want to be hurt. Or live with the fact I hurt someone. I don't want hundreds of ex boyfriends like my mom has. I just want...to wait. I want to grow up and sort out things in my life. I definalty don't want a net thing though. I can't gain anything from it. I mean, I'll never meet or know these guys I hook up with so whats the point? I don't like the promise that youll "Show up on my doorstep on day and surprise me". as Kevin has said many times.
Damn...he's such a cute lil asian kid. But...we just need to work on being friends before we decide upon anything more.
Yea rolleyes thats what I said to Shadow too. Teh, I had Kev before I even broke up with him though. But Shadow was being a ******** idiot and hurtint me, so I let him go. Kev was the only safe way to go about it. I didn't use Kev, I like him alot and he's a charmin person. But for me to get rid of Shadow I had to do that so I woulodn't live with the guilt. yea, I'm a bad person. Go screw yourself and come back and then I'll tell you if I give a s**t or not; but dont' bother because I won't care regardless of how hard you screw.
Speaking of Shadow, yea, he moved on from me. Next relationship I get in, I swear if he and I break up I won't talk to him anymore. 'cause talking to Shadow hurts like hell. He already found himself a new girl and is pestering me about helping him with her. sad I believe it is a ploy to make me jealous, but I kinda know its not. In alot of way's I miss being Chris's girl, but atleast now he won't be blowin kiss's and such at me all the time which annoys the hell out of me. But he always talks about this girl and it hurts my feelings alot. If I say anything he says I'm just jealous and says I need to get over him. I ******** hate that. He assumes he's the best thing that ever happened to me and he's not. stare Him and his ******** ego and all I did was just blow it up more.
I mean, the kid reallly hurt me. He asked today if it was okay if he and 'Desiree' went out. I'm like, "I don't care kid", and he kept going on about how he was scared it would hurt me and stuff; making me look like some weak and defenseless animal he rescued and now was afriad to set free. I don't need anyone's pity. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. When he said that it did nothing but piss me off. stressed
School friend wise is okay. I actually feel like I fit in somewhere with my dorky a*****e friends. I feel like they care for me and respect how I feel. I'm not so 'eww, gross' to them as much as I used to be. I adore my dorks. 3nodding
My typing is slow today. I keep making typo's and such.
I want to just stare at the ceiling in my room and jsut think. But its not safe for me to do that. When I think to much I really start to die inside. I mean...its all about having someone. Before I ever got myself stupidly invloved with someone, my thoughts were okay. I thought about suicide but I felt I had alot to live for. Then I experianced love, and what its liketo have someone care for you. I like that feeling alot. Now I am without it, it just hurts to think like I used to. I'm so depressed when I think that all I do when it gets to the end is want to die.
I told Shadow I was erasing my net identies and never talking to anyone aghain. He said 'Okay'. Like, whatever. Thast what hurt me. The kid doesn't care...people just don't try anymore....why doesn't anyone care about me?
I must be undesirable. I mean, why else would no one want me?
...people do. I mean, teh, look at those assholes in school who flirt with me every f-kin day. I don't...I don't want them though. I want someone I mean something to. But I don't mean anything to anyone. So what am I to do?
The other day, I was crying and my mom saw me and I asked her if I could just rest my head on her shoulder and hug her, more like begged. She looked at me like I had called her a b***h or something and said "No, I'm to busy", walked away and sat on her computer. I was ******** crushed. She just said it and walked past me like I didn't exist. Mom's shouldn't do that...
Whenever I want to talk to her she is to busy, or to tiered, or doesn't feel like it.
I just broke the news to Kevin. I hope I don't ******** this up.
I better go. I want to rant so much more...but I can;t
