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<center> Love me, Love you
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Ever get the feeling you were all alone and nobody wanted you?
I feel like that. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. I realized why I want Shadows friendship back. He was the only person who would quit everything he was doing to talk to me-everyday. In realizing that, I decided that I will not try to get him back. I was just using him, and since I honestly do love him so much I will not even try to get him back. He has potential to be something great and although I enjoy having an obsessed fanboy waiting at my every beckoning call, I'll feel better knowing he's swooning over someone else and not me. I mean, I know he cares for me and I know he thinks about me; but he'll get over it and I'll get over him. I miss Shadow but there's something better out there for him and I.
Since our friendship deceased, I just feel dead inside. I get online without purpous now and just...sit here. There's nothing for me to do anymore, so what do I go about doing now? No fun on Ragnarok, I can't level and Kevin got his account banned for doing illegal activities.
I wonder why no one wants me. I mean, I'd want me if I were someone else. I don't mean sexually, I just mean...want to be around me. I'm a good person, I look out for my friends and anyone I care for, I protect those who can't (or don't realize) they can protect themselves, and so much more...yet no one wants me.
Why? I mean, am I just that ugly that no one even wants to bother with me? Is that what everything boils down to? I'm broken and good for nothing...
Except sex of course. With the collection of new net friends I have made the majority just wants to see how long it'll take for me to get naked on my cam for them. ******** pervs I swear to god. I see why people don't like the internet.
Everyone is to busy for me. Whenever I talk to someone they all are just...to busy. So I relate back to Shadow, he was never to busy. He always made me feel like someone wanted me; and now I don't have him anymore so now what?
They all ignore me...I want to be wanted. Its not only losing Shadow though, even he was starting to cut me out of his time. I feel so damn unwanted and it makes me cry. I wanna just crawl away and hide and after crying till I can't anymore just lay there with my mind blank and left breathing in the cold air of my own defeat. How can I feel so low, so ugly and undesirable? Sometimes I feel like I'm pretty and valued if not by anyone else, then atleast by me. Often times though 'me' just isn't enough.
I think the sex thing is getting to me again. Maybe thats what all this is? 'cause god damn it'd make my day just to be able to have my brains screwed out by some guy that I adore. I'm not talking like my fave actor or anything as ridiculous as that, just a guy I know and really like. No though, I'm bein stupid as hell and I know I am.
I'm just desprate. I want someone else to want me; and to bang my brains out. But not like a one night thing; somethin special witho someone I mean something to and someone who means somthing to me. Like I said though, its stupid of me. I just watched 40 days and 40 nights so I guess the whole romance bit I got out of it is messing with my head; besides the fact I'm ******** horny as hell.
I need a hug. I wanna lay on a couch across a guys lap with my head on a pillow and his hand on my waist, rubbin my belly. Why a guy though, you ask? 'cause after relaxin I'ma want some sex.
....
gonk What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I'm not all sad and depressed anymore but my mind is in sex mode and I don't understand how I go from feeling worthless to this.
sweatdrop I thought for a second there that maybe I was mentally thinkin of using sex to cover up my pain of feeling unwanted. gonk But I mean...now I feel like I'm cute again and I can land any guy I want. 4laugh Gosh I want a romantic night and then makin love till the morning.
redface ::sighs dreamily:: Writing made me feel better. heart
I can't wait to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force tonight~! 4laugh
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