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I find myself more and more at a loss at to what to say whenever I am talking to friends...or ex-friends now. The tension is so thick in the air that you could cut it with a knife. I'm aware that I can't babble on incessantly about random things, I am aware that I don't seem very fun.

I hate awkward moments too. I have a friend on Gaia that I used to talk to alot, but I don't know what happened. We just...stopped talking. Though this isn't a real big surprise since it happens a lot for me. So now, talking to him is awkward and I feel bad because I want to talk to him, but I dont know how. People have always told me just to let go and talk. But try as I might to relax, I just can't. And I resent the fact that I can't talk to him freely and that he has other people to talk to. I know it's selfish, but if you don't have anybody, why shoulder someone else be talking to anyone either? *sighs and curls into her corner*

And then there's...him... Evn here when I know no one else will read it, I don't want to say his name. We've been friends for a few months from a rather surprising start.He said he was looking for a job, so he can visit me, but my mind keeps wandering to the fact maybe he wasn't getting a job and was lying to me about wanting to see me.

I'm just a whole big mess. And to top it off, I made two people cry today and now my guy friend hates me. I'm on a roll tonight...*sighs*

And through all this, I blame myself. I hate myself, I hate my him and I hate him..I just hate everyone right now. Why can't someone just run me over and end my life right now?