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I can't take it anymore. Everything was actually GOOD today, until something came along and threw up on it. I want to do something so bad, but I know I can't. I'm sick of talking, I'm sick of feelings, I'm sick of everything. I know I'm crazy, and that I need to be locked away, so shut the ******** up for once. Yes. It HURTS. It STINGS. It makes you feel like s**t. But thats the way things are. No one CARES about what you like, and who you are. Because THATS THE WAY THINGS ARE.
It cannot be helped. Everything happens for a reason, though the reason is sometimes never known. But for once, I feel as if I am going to do something I never thought possible. No, not self mutilation, suicide, or even murder. Worse. I am capable of anything if I put my half-baked mind to it.
Its all in my head, and no one and get it out. Go on, be pissed, blame me, TALK TO EVERYONE ABOUT MY PERSONAL PROBLEMS. I don't mind. I'm only human and my every flaw needs to be put on display for everyone to see, and eventually throw back at me on a later date. Its alright to make me cry, to make me feel like I'm not even worthy of leaving the house. Its alright. I swear.
Don't hold back, I won't. Its not a matter of holding back, its a matter of actually getting it out. But face to face is never fun. The full story cannot be told, for errors and pauses will ruin the effect. No, no, no. Its alright. Hahah. Its alright.
You're no burden, you're just a loner, all alone with no one knowing what is going on. If they knew, they'd run away. Yes.
Happy times those will be. Knowing you've gotten an inch away from the happiness you desire, the BOOM its all gone. GONE. Ah yes, all gone. It is better to have felt, than have never felt at all. But that feeling lost will leave a wound that will surely be opened again.
*laughs*
ITS FUNNY. When someone cracks everything comes pouring out, like a waterfall, never-ending, emotions crashing down, mixing around into this concotion that no one knows the contents of. Not even the owner of those feelings. Its like you want to scream, but screaming won't help. Something more. But what is this MORE? We don't know.
I speak for everyone when I say this: GODDAMMITGETMEOFFTHISRIDE.
Yes. getmeoffthisride.
You want to go about and breathe freely, but you can't. Its not possible. Only what you think in your head is possible. I want to be the ruler of the known universe, in my head. And I shall, in my head. Its all possible. In your head
My personal life is not to be put on display. My deepest flaws that I wanted NO ONE to know have been exposed. Its like being naked in front of thousands. Thousands upon thousands of people staring at your exposed skin, gawking, laughing, pointing. You feel as if you're 1,000 degrees, and rising. You feel ashamed for being who you are, and not wanting to change yourself to fit someone else's mold. Why should you? Changing for someone else, I mean. If you want to change for yourself, fine. I am an obstinate person. Yes, yes I am. You cannot change that. Nor will I. Deal with it or end it. It doesn't matter.
But ending it will make it difficult to be with friends. So I am out of the entire thing. That means Raymond comes too. But would he? For me? Doubt it. I'm not good enough for that, and why should I ruin a good thing?
I DO IT ALL THE TIME. Indeed, these things happen. It cannot be helped. Judge lest ye be judged, s**t happens amigo. YES IT DOES MY FRIENDIES.
I tried talking, all I get is crap. Talk is cheap, acting is better, I should act on impulse more often. Who knows, it might just work. WORK I SAY. WORK. Happiness comes from within and nothing shall change that.
Inner happiness? WHERE? I want it. In me. Now. Inner happiness. Silly people. Where can it be? In my pants? Who knows, in my pocket. YES. I just sat on it. So its smushed.
Well, I'm crazy, so I'll be back with some semi-logical writings.
And dammit. I wanted to read Samurai Deeper Kyo #10 at B&N tonight. But nooo... Tina went KA-BOOM.
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