Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I've been having a general, unspecified bad feeling about the future. A vague and unsubstantiated premonition that between now and the end of the year, something will happen. Something bad. Maybe it's just the time of year; things started going to s**t about now last year. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right, something bad happens somewhere to someone every day. God knows I've been under enough stress lately that it could be warping my brain, and God knows I've been out of touch enough with the real world and everyone I know to have any basis for such dire predictions. Figments of an overworked and solitary imagination, if we wanna get poetic about it.

Between trying not to reflect where I went wrong last year and getting hit with more and more and more work, I seem to have let everything lapse. Like always. I never talk to anyone and it comes down to this: I don't want to be a bother. I can't imagine I'm fascinating or entertaining enough to excuse pestering people, so I just don't. I have no idea how pathetic that sounds, or how many of the new emoticons people think I should attach to it, but it's practicality. I do not want to annoy anyone because, unlike the better portion of the internet, I don't think my problems and anecdotes are the stuff of headlines. 6.6 billion people on the planet, all that, and my access to a keyboard or a telephone doesn't necessarily mean I need to use them. So sue me, I've always been quiet. Why am I telling you this? Some stranger on the other side of the internet? I don't know. Every now and then I have a contradictory impulse to explain myself, and I guess this just made sense since I've been gone from here for a long time with no sign of immediate return. And because I'm wrong often enough that I might as well explain myself to people I don't really talk to despite having nothing against them. It's been a long two months and the next one will be as bad, but things will keep on keeping on and finally I'm almost okay with that (Not that I don't want to be alive, but that of late being alive has been tedious and routine. I need to move).

******** winter, ******** work, ******** deadlines, ******** pointless old guilt I can't seem to get rid of. It gets easier and this too shall pass, but until it does I reserve the right to be crotchety. Although I think this will be the last time I write anything here that does not specifically relate to Gaia.