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I can't really say much now, me and Josh are GH partying and he has to go soon. I wanna hang out with him as much as I can before he has to go.

I dunno what to do or say anymore. If I try to express how I feel, everyone gets mad at me. Well, everyone netwise. IRL...I don't really open up ro anyone. They're so stupid...people actually think they have me figured out, and its rather intresting to see them go about me as if I'm as easy to read as a book. On this net thing, I suppose I am, I tell how and why I feel. IRL I'm open to the imagination.

Updates...um, edits soon.

Update One
We got our asses kicked in GY...both of us lag like hell (us refering to Josh and I...) and so...we're dead xp He just reloged, brb...

Update Two
Josh went to dinner so here I am. I feel empty inside and very vulnerable. I don't know why.

I know what triggered it, though. 3nodding Sephy asked to know why I was nervous and such around him. I've crushed on him for quiet sometime now...so I gathered up the guts and told him so. ....you don't know how hard it was to just type that. I couldn't think of the right things to say, I mean I wasn't asking him out or anything I was just telling him how I felt but it was just...so hard. He said he wasn't intrested. Which hurt my feelings for some reason 'cause like I said I wasn't trying to ask him out...he just asked how I felt and so I told him. I already conciously knew he didn't like me like that, and I was cool with that, but like...I dunno...to have him like say it crushed me in so many ways. Tears started welling up in my eyes and s**t IRL and I had to turn from my friends so they wouldn't see me. They'd tease me and stuff over crying about a person I've never met....anyway, he said something else. I dunno, my eyes were all blurry and I was still hiding my face from my friends. He said I was pretty and stuff, but he had two bad long distant relationships and he didn't want to do that anymore. It shouldn't of hurt so bad, 'cause I knew he didn't like me like that but it just tore me up inside...I started feeling sick and s**t and logged off and pretty much ran to the bathroom to cry....I am so damn pathetic....

...anyway, after that I was just standoffish all day. I didn't talk to anyone, or look at anyone or anything. I didn't want to think, or see, or live, or anything. I gotta get back and talk to him, I don't want Sephy to think I hate him or something. I don't hate him, and I'm not mad or anything. Its just like...rejection, I guess. You'd think I would be used to it by now...

The other day I was watching MTV2 and they had this special about Sex 2k on really early in the morning (like 2 or 3 amish....). They talked abotu Hip-Hop groupies and I watched it and learned a thing or two and sharpened my memory on some things time allowed me to forget. All the hiphop groupies were black and I tuned into it attentivly. Then they switched to an hour long Sex 2k special on internet dating services and such with all these white people and I tuned out, for some reason. If anyone reading this doesn't already know, I'm biracial--Half white and half black. So shut up and before you rant on me via PM just let me vent.

Personally, I feel more comfortable around black people than white. Black people except me more physically, financially, and emotionally. I live in the projects, I guess a pretty softcore one since only 5 or 6 people die a year, and its a black ghetto projects too. I like it, and I feel athome in a sense here. People don't stare and act stuck up like the did in the other places where white people lived did. Oh yea, I live in Columbus, Ohio--a very racist place if I do say so myself. Anyway, I had to write this poem in my art class so I could design it and stuff and I wrote it about this boy I used to like when I lived on the white side of town. He was so cute and smart, and he liked me too...I was in 6th grade. Teh, we were so friggin close...and then I met his parents. They...well...to put it lightly, they didn't like me and were quiet outraged when they saw us walking to his house holding hands and stuff. They yelled at me, and called me all kinds of bad names and he tried to defend me but they wouldn't listen and I ran home crying. Hewas white and I am mixed and his parents didn't want him dating a 'half-breed'; one of the ways they described me. I guess he didn't want to listen or something 'cause he moved after that. I dunno where, but he left a note in my locker saying sorry and stuff and asked me why I had to be so diffrent. I was shocked, he seemed so bright and innocent and then he blamed it all on me for being biracial.

Never had anyone black do that to me just 'cause I'm mixed. Only once or twice in my life have I been discrimated againist by black people. I know not all people in the world are like how his parents were, but since then I've just been...edgy. White people in general make me nervous and stuff unless its in a calm situation. Its strange, to me. The way the sterotypical media describes we all should be sscared of black people, but if I'm not surrounded by my 'kin' then I feel like I am out of my comfort zone. Its so weird to me, to be neither white nor black. What does it make me? Who do I belong to? Not even other biracial kids are very accepting because they are all trying to find out who and what they are for themselves.

A girl read my poem, and she asked if what I wrote really happened. I told her yea, and she said "Thats jacked up, just cuz your black." I shook my head and sighed. I hate when people call me white or black. I'm neither ,yet both. I wish people would acknowlege me for that. My skin tone is so light though, my friends tease me and call me white. It sucks...I need tanned so when i get old I can have skin cancer whee

...I've been very sarcastic, lately. As far as I understand, I think I made Chris mad with it. I'll admit, yea, I was trying to make him mad. I wish he would just tell me what the hell is going on in his life so I am not left to think he's just to busy or ignoring me. If he's busy then tell me so, give me some damn insight so I can maybe provide help or tips or anything to assist you or know I need to just back off for a while. I'm not asking for much, but I guess in a way I am. I can't expect a person who is used to keeping themselves private from others just to open up on the benefits for me. stare I wish he would...::sigh:: I'm being selfish, aren't I? I feel like whenever I try to do something to maybe make him happy I just fck it up so badly. I've really tried to do things just so I could feel as if I were useful to him so he won't go away like everyone else has and I can't seem to do that right either. I bet he doesn't even feel happy to talk to me now and its all 'cause I can't do anything right. sad I hate myself so much...

Update Three
...I left and cried a bit again. I just...need to stop caring. Shrink away from the world like before, I wasn't happy then but whenever I feel happy somehow i fck it up for me and everyone else included. sad

I'm trying to be postive now...I promised myself no more cutting and hating and stuff and as I'm teetring on the edge of a relapse I have to grab myself before its to late. I have to just...be strong for me. No one else is looking out for me...no one else cares if I live or die 'cause they'll just find someone else to fill a void I may leave. People get over people...no one is special...

...this isn't working...


Update Four
Ok, back again. I made a list of happy things so I hope this works right this time.

I'm getting a new cell phone god damn finally~! whee I can't wait, mom is going to buy it for me. heart This is my current phone, not much of a looker, huh? Kinda dull and ugly...I'm getting my new one on ebay. 3nodding I want a camera phone, but my friend Brad insists I just get a good phone with good signals. sweatdrop I'll leave link to the one I decide to get; it'll be a flip phone of somesort whee

Slasher...man! I miss talking to him crying Sooooo muuuuuuch! I left a message on yahoo for him, I dunno if he got it.

Shadow is stalking me on the net, and threatens to kill me and stuff. He needs to get over me, and get over himself. whee

On RO I am sooooooooooooooooooo close to being priestess!!!!! biggrin I am like....7 levels away!!!! I am so damn happy!!!!! whee heart whee heart My boyfriend is training me because he's so sweet and we're getting married soon heart redface

Yush...boyfriend redface His name is Josh, he lives far, far away in New Mexico. xp He's...just like....my gosh, relationships always start off sweet but the stuff he does is just.... redface I mean, like how he refers to me and how he takes care of me and he's soooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuute! redface I feel so happy now that I think of him. He's got all his crazy problems and so do I. whee Well...so far, all he has is anger outbursts which is scary gonk I think like if I knew him IRL he'd probably kick my a** or something. The way he describes himself he's like a classic karate kickin woman beater...but he says he'd never hurt me. 3nodding This ought to be intresting, ne? wink He's half white and half mexican I think. Biracial like me!!! surprised heart I mean, I just really like how he is. Besides when he gets mad, sad ...he leaves when he does. He did, and I got sad when he left and cried and he was just...my gosh, so sweet. He has a way with words redface And he's a lil perv like me whee heart You should see his picture he's so dreamy ::sighs dreamily:: My uber cute boyfriend~! whee heart

I hope Alche is ok. Josh and Trevor(Alche) got into a few days ago (Lik anger cussing fightining...) and I haven't seen Trevor since. sad A mild chat here and there, I hope the kids alright.

Kevin...oy gonk Josh got mad 'cause of reasons i can't disclose here and reported him on RO. Well, he was about to...I beggged him not to. He actually listened to me. biggrin I was like screamin giddy love me happy redface heart

Hey, check out my fanfic on Fanfiction.net and leave me a review, ok? whee Its called The Catalyst, 3nodding help me think of a better title~!

I'm high off these happy things I listed, so I leave you all be. whee