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Vows - "And Never Go Back" |
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From this day forward, I vow to never look back. From this day forward, I'm done thinking about what could have been or how if this or that hadn't happened I wouldn't be the way I am now. Yes, I've been through hell time and time again, but you know what? Each and every time I've made it through, even if I have left more and more of myself behind each and every time I walked through those flames. I can't control the things that happened, but I can control the torture I've been putting myself through, and I can force myself to let it all go and stop beating myself up over it.
Hell, I've been through things, so many things, that most people never would have come out of as well as I have.
Rape.
Abuse.
Lies.
Taint.
Molestation.
Mutilation.
Held at gunpoint not once but twice by someone who wanted nothing more than my death at his hand.
And yet, I've made it. That ought to say something, although I really don't know just what. most of it was pure luck with a dash of skill. But I'm still here, against what some people wanted. I'm still alive, and no one's managed to kill me yet, though some have come close. I've gone hungry, I know what true cold is, I've known fear so intense I doubt most people ever experience it. I live with their lies, with the memories, with the scars. But that's just it - I live.
I don't know what my purpose in life is right now, and I don't really know where I'm headed, but I do know one thing; I have nothing to lose by just letting it all go. I'm not perfect, and I never will be, I'll always be further away from it than most people, because I choose to live a life few would dare. I'm not afraid to look death in the eye and tell him I'm not afraid, because I'm not. Death holds no fear for me, and thus Death has no control over me.
I know, though, that there has to be more to life than acting out someone's slave, than being hesitant to show myself. There has to be more than always hiding behind this facade, and it's time to take it all and throw it all away. I refuse to keep looking back and taking the blame for things that were out of my control. I vow from now on to let it all go and to start over, because I can't deal with all this pain any more.
Yes, I don't trust easily, and I don't know that there's a single person alive now that I would say I actually trust, but that doesn't mean I can't or that I never will again, it just takes time. If someone's willing to give me that time I need to re-learn all these things again, to figure out who I really am and to figure out how to trust and have faith again, I might just surprise everyone. Because I don't think the old me is really dead and gone like I used to think, I think she's just cowering in the darkest corner of my past, afraid to let herself show.
This isn't me. I'm not this...aloof. I used to love people, I used to love being with people. This isn't me. I used to trust so easily, and maybe I can never retrieve that part of me again, but I think there's got to be a way to stop being so wary of everyone all the time. But in order to go on, something's got to change. So I refuse to look back anymore, I refuse to let the doubts from my past continue to taint my choices in my future. I think there comes a time when one has to let go, lock it all in a box, move on, and never open that box again.
That's where I'm at. As a signature of mine once read:
"We can go anywhere, nowhere, and never go back."
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